Pat the Horse/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Pat the Horse" from season 11, which aired on December 2, 2017.

[The episode begins at Patrick's house during the night. A shooting star flies in the sky.]
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, one more book, then you go to sleep, 'kay?
Patrick: 'Kay.
SpongeBob: This one is called "You Can Be Anything."
Patrick: [blabbers as he spins over his bed] I can be anything?
SpongeBob: Oh, sure you can, pal. [opens the book and shows the page with a fireman pop-out] You can be a firefighter... [the fireman pop-out sprays water in Patrick's face; SpongeBob turns the page that shows a doctor pop-out] You can be a doctor... [Patrick whimpers; SpongeBob turns the page and shows a cowboy pop-out] You can be a cowboy.
Patrick: That's what I want to be!
SpongeBob: Cowboy. Great choice.
Patrick: No, no, no, no, no! [points to the horse pop out] That.
SpongeBob: A horse? [chuckles] Buddy, I don't think you want to be a horse.
Patrick: You said I can be anything, and—and I want to be a horse! [His eyes thump SpongeBob's eyes.]
SpongeBob: Sure, sure, you can be a horse. [tucks Patrick in his sand bed and sighs] Nighty-night, Patrick. [turns out the light and leaves]
Patrick: A horse. [snores] A horse. [his sand underwear falls off, leaving him naked]
[Bubble transition to morning and the rooster crows everyone up. SpongeBob is in his bed, sleeping. A horse neighs outside.]
SpongeBob: [groans] Not now, Gary. Give me a few more minutes. [a horse neigh is heard again; SpongeBob wakes up] What? Uh, Gary? [runs to the window]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: [looks out the window] Huh? [gasps]
[Patrick neighs like a real horse and starts galloping around. He neighs again.]
SpongeBob: Oh, horsey! [runs outside as he gel falls off his face] Patrick, you were right! You can be a horse.
[Patrick munches on grass like a horse. He looks at SpongeBob and swallows the grass. He chuffs in suspicion.]
SpongeBob: Easy there, big fella. [holds out an apple] Easy...
[Patrick sniffs the apple and eats it along with SpongeBob's arms. The arms open Patrick's mouth and reattach onto SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Ah! [chuckles as he strokes Patrick] That's a good horsey. Hmm, [to the audience] "horsey." That's not right. [to Patrick] You need a name! I think I'll call you... Patrick!
[Patrick neighs and lifts SpongeBob with his head.]
SpongeBob: Whoa! [lands on Patrick's back and chuckles while he rides] Ride 'em, cowboy!
[Patrick gallops around and shakes SpongeBob off. SpongeBob flies through the air and falls into Norton's mailbag. Patrick neighs.]
SpongeBob: [pops out of the mailbag and chuckles] Uh, bucking bronco.
[Incidental 154 grabs SpongeBob and shoves him in the mailbox. He licks a stamp and puts it on SpongeBob's nose.]
Incidental 154: Rodeo clown. [leaves]
[Bubble transition to Patrick harnessed with a saddle and reins.]
SpongeBob: Safety first. [puts on a seatbelt and clicks his tongue] Giddy up, Patrick! [Patrick starts galloping] Looking good, Ms. Sandy.
Sandy: Thank you. And the horse you rode in on?
SpongeBob: [passes by a street cleaner] Morning, old timer.
[Patrick farts and the street cleaner moans. He grabs a broom and pooper scooper and goes after them. Patrick gallops over to the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob gets off and ties Patrick to the pole. Moments later, kids come by and see Patrick as a horse.]
Kid #1: Can we pet him, mister?
SpongeBob: Sure, but be gentle.
[The kids run over and gently pet Patrick. Patrick sighs heavenly and neighs.]
Kid #2: He's so soft.
Squidward: What's all the hubbub out here? [the kids gasps] What the? [laughs] So Patrick's a horse now? Ha-ha! Your phony baloney pony's more like an old gray mare. [snorts] Sorry to say, but, uh, this one's ready for the glue factory. [slaps Patrick's butt]
[Patrick yelps and kicks Squidward with his legs. Squidward is sent flying backwards.]
Mr. Krabs: What kind of hub—[Squidward crashes into Mr. Krabs in the back] What are you doing violating me personal space? [opens SpongeBob's face and shoves Squidward inside him]
Kids: [runs over to Patrick and continues to pet him] Aw... He's really fuzzy.
[Mr. Krabs sees the kids in the form of dollars as they are petting Patrick. Then, in an instant, he comes up with an idea.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh! Horsey rides! Kids love horseys. Great idea having Patrick play pony. I'll charge these kids ten bucks a ride and cash in big time!
SpongeBob: Oh, I don't know, Mr. Krabs, I think Patrick will only let me ride him.
Mr. Krabs: [draws a sign and chuckles] Oh, nonsense. Pony rides! Ten buckaroos!
[Many kids show up for the "pony ride." Squidward pops out of SpongeBob's head. Bubble transition to SpongeBob flipping patties on the grill. The patties are shaped into Patrick, as a horse, giving SpongeBob a ride on his back.]
SpongeBob: [sadly sighs] Giddy up, Patrick. [flips the Patrick-shaped patty] Giddy up.
Squidward: Now, I don't mean to nag, so don't bridle me when I say this, but your dream horse is more like a nightmare! [laughs] Get it? Night? Mare? Ha-ha!
[The children cheers outside. SpongeBob sighs and his eyes are filled with tears. A submarine swims in his tears as a horse neighs in the background. SpongeBob runs out of the kitchen, sobbing.]
Squidward: Oh, yeah, now you're feeling your oats. [laughs] Ha-ha! I'm so good.
[SpongeBob groans and looks out through the front door. Patrick is having a hard time carrying more than one kid on his back.]
Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Four at a time quadruplicates me money. Let's try for five. [takes a kid's money and chuckles]
[Mr. Krabs puts another kid on Patrick's back. Patrick gets really angry and shakes the kids off his back.]
Mr. Krabs: Uh-oh. [catches a kid] Ooh. [catches another] Oh! [catches another] Ooh. [catches another with his teeth]
Kid #3: [hits the ground] My wittle weg!
Kids: Yay!
[Mr. Krabs rolls the kids he caught in a ball and gently flicks them away.]
Mr. Krabs: All right, next up.
[Patrick breaks lose and angrily neighs. Then he gallops away from the Krusty Krab, stepping on the injured kid in the process.]
Kid #3: My other wittle weg!
SpongeBob: [slides through the door and chases after Patrick] Horsey Patrick, come back! [sobs]
Mr. Krabs: That's me money running away! Come back!
Squidward: Oh, yes. Oh, yes, come back. I said, "Whoa, horsey Patrick." [gallops like a horse] Look at me. I'm a horse. [chuckles] Clopity, clopity, clopity. [laughs and runs into the restaurant]
[An ambulance's siren goes as paramedics take the injured kid to the hospital.]
Mr. Krabs: [chuckles and takes out a pair of reins] Clopity, clopity, clopity.
[Meanwhile, SpongeBob is searching for Patrick in a hot and dry desert. Clams in the sky circle above like vultures. SpongeBob climbs up several cliffs.]
SpongeBob: [weakly] Patrick. Patrick... [grunts] Patrick. [climbs up] Patrick! [groans as he falls flat on his face]
[SpongeBob looks up and sees Patrick galloping towards him. The sand surrounds SpongeBob and he coughs. As the sand clears away, Patrick stands proudly with seaweed as a horse's mane and tail. Patrick rears up and neighs.]
SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick? [Patrick chuffs] Hey, it's okay, boy. It's me. [Patrick neighs] Your old pal, SpongeBob. [eats an apple, but also eats his hands] Remember? [Patrick chuffs; he and SpongeBob circle around] Okay... Would you like me to whisper? [Patrick neighs] Nice Patrick. Pretty Patrick. Good Patrick. [takes out a rope and lassos it on Patrick's neck; Patrick struggles to break free] Calm down, buddy. I don't want to lose you again. [Patrick rears up, neighs, and flips SpongeBob backwards] Whoa! Ow! Ow!
[Patrick runs over a cactus field and SpongeBob gets pricked by the needles. Patrick runs over a pointy rock field and SpongeBob gets scratched by the rocks. Patrick runs over a pillow field, but the pillows don't seem to harm SpongeBob. Patrick stops running and SpongeBob swings around and around as the rope tangles Patrick's neck. SpongeBob lands on Patrick's back and the rope falls off. Patrick neighs and licks SpongeBob in the face.]
SpongeBob: Aw. And all this time, I thought I was the one breaking you, but you were the one breaking me. [breaks into pieces, puts himself back together, and clicks his tongue] Patrick horsey, giddy up!
[Patrick gallops across the desert with SpongeBob on his back. He jumps over several cliffs and gallops across a canyon. While Patrick is galloping, SpongeBob is seen playing jump rope on his back. SpongeBob surfs on a wave with Patrick as a surfboard. Patrick neighs and gallops across Goo Lagoon. Bubble transition to SpongeBob riding Patrick back to the Krusty Krab and this time, Squidward is being the horse for Mr. Krabs "pony ride."]
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: Oh, this is humiliating.
Mr. Krabs: Quiet. [shoves reins in Squidward's mouth] Horseys don't talk. Okay, kids, ten bucks a ride! Who's next?
Kid #4: Me! [gets picked up by Mr. Krabs and placed on Squidward's back] Get moving, horse! [kicks Squidward's hips with his spurs]
Squidward: Ow! Cut it out!
Mr. Krabs: [his wristwatch beeps] Ride's over. [throws the kid away] Who's next?
SpongeBob: Wow, Mr. Krabs. How'd you get Squidward to give rides?
Mr. Krabs: Hmm... [pops his eyestalk out to pull out a paper from inside his shell] Says right here in his contract. [rolls down contract] "I can work him like a horse."
Squidward: Huh? [Patrick growls at Squidward; Squidward growls back and they both huff at each other]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, get your mule away from my show pony! This here's a Thoroughbred. [nails horseshoes on Squidward's feet]
Squidward: Huh? [Mr. Krabs lifts him up]
Mr. Krabs: Look at that flank. [stretches Squidward forward] Get a load of those locks. Not to mention that loin, eh?
Squidward: Oh, yeah. I'm a real stud.
Mr. Krabs: Now look at your old pile of dog food. [laughs]
[Patrick looks hideous.]
SpongeBob: I'd put my pile of dog food up against your stud any day!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yeah? How 'bout a race, then? [holds out two delivery bags] First one to delivery a Krabby Patty to Black Devil Bay wins.
SpongeBob: You're on! [grabs the bag]
[Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs, Squidward, Patrick and SpongeBob getting ready for the "race." Sandy acts as the referee.]
Sandy: I want a clean race. No cheating! Wait for the bell. [rings the bell and the racers begin their race] Ah! [spins around and feels dizzy]
[The street cleaner follows the racers. As Squidward gallops, he leaves behind a cloud of dust.]
Mr. Krabs: Ha, ha! Eat my dust!
SpongeBob: Well, okay. [carves a piece of the cloud dust and eats it] Mmm. [carves some more and eats them] Mmm. Hey, your dust was delicious!
[Patrick neighs and runs to catch up. Mr. Krabs, who is not going to play fair, cheats by making a shortcut sign in hopes of getting SpongeBob and Patrick lost.]
Mr. Krabs: This shortcut sign should send SpongeBob and Patrick far from the finish line. [puts the shortcut sign near the tall grass and hops on Squidward's back imitating The Lone Ranger] Hi-ho, Squidward! [gallops away]
SpongeBob: Whoa! Whoa, shortcut. This could be a trick. I love tricks!
[Patrick gallops through the tall grass and grazes a path for them to walk on. However, the tall grass also leads to a cliff, which sends SpongeBob and Patrick falling on top of Mr. Krabs and Squidward. Mr. Krabs throws SpongeBob and Patrick away and cackles evilly. Patrick catches up and runs on his legs.]
SpongeBob: Whoa, whoa! [screams as Patrick runs up farther than Mr. Krabs and Squidward] Hyah! Oh, boy, we're ahead!
Mr. Krabs: No, you're actually behind! [cackles]
SpongeBob: Oh... [sees Patrick running on a treadmill with a moving projector as background] Huh? Whoa, Patrick. Whoa.
[Patrick slips and rolls under the treadmill, which sends them flying in front of Mr. Krabs and Squidward. Mr. Krabs pulls out a slingshot and shots a rock onto SpongeBob. But the rock rolls around SpongeBob's body and shots back at Mr. Krabs.]
Mr. Krabs: [gets hit by the rock] Oh! [runs in front of SpongeBob and Patrick and takes out a bottle of mustard] Have some slippery mustard, slowpokes! [sprits mustard on the ground, which almost makes Patrick slip; Patrick tastes some of the mustard] That was extra spicy slippery mustard! [laughs, but Patrick blows fire out of his mouth, making them fly past Mr. Krabs and Squidward] Oh, ratfish! [gets another idea] I've got one more trick up me sleeve. [Patrick and SpongeBob continue to gallop, but Mr. Krabs catches up and appears in a police officer while Squidward acts as a police car] This is the police! I'm pulling you over for speeding!
Officer John Slugfish: No, this is the police! I'm pulling you over for impersonating an officer!
[SpongeBob and Patrick gallop all the way over to Black Devil Bay, where their customer, an orange angler fish, is waiting for his delivery.]
SpongeBob: Here's your delivery, sir.
[The angler fish takes the bag and looks inside it. However, there was nothing inside it and he shakes the bag.]
SpongeBob: What?
Patrick: [spits out his reins] I was hungry.
[Mr. Krabs and Squidward show up and gives the angler fish the bag. The angler fish eats the Krabby Patty, lights his green light, and leaves.]
Mr. Krabs: We win! We win! [laughs and jumps off of Squidward's back] I—I had the best horsey! I had the best horsey!
Patrick: [rears up] I don't want to be a horse anymore.
SpongeBob: [slides off of Patrick's back] Okay, buddy, but remember, you can still be anything.
Patrick: [takes off the saddle] In that case, I think I'll be... [appears to have Mr. Krabs' claws as arms] a crab! Ark, ark, ark, ark, ark, ark! [leaves]
Mr. Krabs: Huh? [gasps as he sees his claws gone] Oh, no, you don't! Come back here with me claws! [runs after Patrick]
SpongeBob: [sighs] How 'bout a ride back to the old Krusty Krab, cowboy? [puts on the saddle and bends down]
[Squidward sighs and climbs onto SpongeBob's back. SpongeBob rears up and neighs like a horse. He gallops away into the sunset with Squidward on his back. The street cleaner follows them as the episode ends.]