One Coarse Meal/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "One Coarse Meal" from season 7, which aired on March 25, 2010.

[The episode begins at the Krusty Krab, inside Mr. Krabs's office. Mr. Krabs turns off the lights, lights an incense stick, turns on the radio, takes off his shirt, and bathes in money.]
Mr. Krabs: Ahh, that's the stuff. Right there. [sniffs] Somethin' don't smell right. [scene cuts to SpongeBob in the kitchen and Mr. Krabs opens the door] SpongeBob! Say, what are you burnin' out here, boy?
SpongeBob: [sniffs] Hmm... I'd say a high grade explosive.
Mr. Krabs: Explosive!? [scene cuts to outside the Krusty Krab where Plankton is flying on a glider laughing evilly]
Plankton: Ha ha ha ha! Enjoy, Eugene! [activates a bomb, which blows up the roof]
Mr. Krabs: [muffled] Plankton! [bites the wood in half hard with his teeth] I just had that roof redone last week!
Plankton: You'll be re-re-doin' it after I'm through with ya!
Mr. Krabs: Ready ammunition! [SpongeBob takes off his hat and it reveals a pea can. Mr. Krabs opens the can with his claw and he pours all the peas into SpongeBob. He then uses SpongeBob as a gun] Fire! [SpongeBob shoots peas at Plankton. The peas shoot through Plankton's air glider. But Plankton blows a bubble over himself causing the peas to be deflected. The deflected peas hit the frying pans. One of the frying pans falls and hits SpongeBob. Plankton then fires a missile at them] Take cover! [picks up SpongeBob and uses him as a shield, but the missile just falls straight to the ground] Oh, ha, ha, it didn't go off! [laughs] Another dud, Plankton.
Plankton: A dud, huh? [pushes a button which causes the missile to transform into a robotic arm and it squeezes Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, you're playin' with fire now, Plankton!
Plankton: No need to get worked up over this, Krabs, just give me the secret formula and I’ll be on my way.
Mr. Krabs: Ya ain't gettin' it.
Plankton: I implore you to reconsider. [presses the button and his arm squeezes harder]
Mr. Krabs: Go jump off a plank.
Plankton: I have ways of getting the information I need. Where’s the formula, Krabs? [tickles Mr. Krabs' posterior with a feather]
Mr. Krabs: [laughing wildly]
Plankton: Still not gonna talk, eh, Krabs? [tickles Mr. Krabs' nose with the feather causing him to sneeze and blowing Plankton to the ground] Okay, Krabs, I see you're not gonna crack. But I don't think your underling is of the same metal.
SpongeBob: I'll never talk.
Plankton: We’ll see what Mr. Feather has to say about that.
SpongeBob: Okay, okay! But I don't how to get into the safe behind the painting in Mr. Krabs' office that houses the secret formula. He won't let me near it.
[Everyone pauses]
Plankton: Clever. Behind the painting, eh, Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: [growls]
Plankton: Incidentally, what am I smelling? You got something burning?
SpongeBob: [sniffs] Smells like blubber to me.
Plankton: Bl-bl-blubber?!
Pearl: [comes in] Daddy!
Plankton: [screams] Call off your daughter, Krabs! Call her off!
Mr. Krabs: She's a big girl, Plankton, I have no control over what she does. Oh, and you better watch out. I think she's extra hungry today.
Plankton: Stay back, whale! I'm privy to what you do to organisms like me. I've seen those documentaries! [as he says this he backs up into the freezer]
Pearl: Did he just go into the freezer?
Plankton: [exits freezer and walks out the door] Don't say it!
Pearl: I prefer salad over Plankton, anyway.
Mr. Krabs: Who knew Plankton was so afraid of whales? [chuckles evilly] Pearl, me darlin' daughter, ya saved me business, and me formuler. Now get us outta this trap.
Pearl: Mall money.
Mr. Krabs: Alright, alright. You're gettin' more like your old man every day.
[Mr. Krabs gives a dollar to Pearl out of his chest like an ATM.]
Pearl: Thanks, Daddy. [pulls SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs out of the claw and puts them down.]
Mr. Krabs: Why don't ya swing by the Chum Bucket on your way to the mall? Give Plankton a scare.
Pearl: Double my mall money!
Mr. Krabs: [grunts] [to SpongeBob] Your turn to chip in, boy.
SpongeBob: Sure. [hands Pearl dollars] Here you go. Buy yourself somethin' pretty.
Pearl: Hey, this isn't money!
SpongeBob: No, it's even better! This is what Mr. Krabs pays me with. [money is shown] Mr. Krabs' Wacky Bucks!
Mr. Krabs: [to self] Oh. It's all startin' to catch up with me... [to Pearl] Please, Pearl? I'll do your homework for you.
Pearl: No way! The Chum Bucket is, like, totally gross!
Mr. Krabs: Hmmm... in that case, Pearl, I'm gonna need to borrow one of your dressers.
SpongeBob and Pearl: Hummina-hunh? Huh?!
[Cut to the Chum Bucket]
Plankton: [runs inside]
Karen: My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time?
Plankton: Krabs had a whale!
Karen: You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter?
Plankton: I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it. Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?
[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]
Karen: Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened.
[Bubble transition to Plankton taking out the trash]
Pearl (Krabs): [emerges from the dumpster] I'm hungry!
Plankton: [screams and runs back inside and bars the door, then hides at the transmutator] That should keep her out!
Pearl (Krabs): [sneaks up behind him, breathing heavily] I want plankton meat!
Plankton: Holy protozoas! [runs out of the lab] Karen, she's here! She got in!
Karen: What are you talking about?
Plankton: There's a whale in the laboratory!
Karen: Are you out of your mind?
Plankton: See for yourself!
Karen: [checks the lab] No whale in here.
Plankton: I swear! A whale was just in here. She was next to the transmutator. She was right here in this spot! Her mouth all frothy, her blowhole blowing!
Karen: Oh, that's enough, Plankton. If you'll excuse me, I have to get back to more pertinent binary functions. [rolls away]
Plankton: Karen! Karen--!
Karen: [in sing-song] I'm not listening. [hums]
French Narrator: 16 paranoia filled days later...
Karen: [off microphone] Plankton, your dinner is ready. Plankton? Plankton, do you hear me? [showing Plankton sitting on his chair with long gray hair, long beard, long fingernails, and two boxes of tissues on his feet as shoes]
Plankton: Yes, I can hear you. Can you bring it up? I can't risk stepping into the light. The whale might see me. [cries] [camera zooms out to the outside window where Pearl/Krabs looks at Plankton evilly]
Pearl (Krabs): [laughs]
[Bubble transition to night, where Plankton in his bed feeling uncomfortable.]
Plankton: [grunting and shivering] No, no! No, no!
[Plankton starts having a nightmare, being chased by Pearl and falls into her blowhole and lands in her mouth]
Plankton: Whoa! [banging on Pearl's teeth] Hey! Get me outta here!
[Pearl laughs evilly, then flings Plankton into her throat with her tongue]
Plankton: Oh, no! [screams as he falls into her stomach, where his ancestors find him.]
Grand-Dad: Hey, Plankton! Glad you could join the rest of the family!
Plankton: Grand-Dad?
Grand-Dad: Yep, and you're pretty brave standin' in that there gastric acid.
Plankton: Gastric acid?! [his body is half-burned and he screams]
Pearl: [cackles, thunder and lightning strike]
Plankton: [wakes up from nightmare and screams] I can't take it! [cries] This is drivin' me crazy! [continues crying]
Mr. Krabs: [takes off disguise and laughs. Bubble transition to morning]
Plankton: [crying] What's the point of goin' on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! [lies down] That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now.
SpongeBob: Hi, Plankton. What you doin' layin' in the middle of the road?
Plankton: Go away, Cheese head! Can't ya see I'm tryin' to get run over? In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me?
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature.
Plankton: Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself.
SpongeBob: Okay!
[Cut to the Krusty Krab, in Mr. Krabs' office]
Mr. Krabs: [erases a picture of Plankton] Goodbye, pipsqueak!
SpongeBob: Sorry to interrupt your gloating, sir. I just thought it would be pertinent for you to know that Plankton's laying in the street... forlorn.
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Really? He's a mess! [laughs]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I know you and Plankton are sworn enemies and all, but putting on a dress to frighten him? Isn't that taking it a little too far?
Mr. Krabs: Need I remind you of the fact that you disclosed the location of me safe, where I keep the secret formuler?
SpongeBob: No need to remind me, sir. I broke Rule #2 of the Krusty Krab Rule Book: Never disclose the location of the secret formula! Don't worry, sir. I can fix this.
[scene cuts to Plankton]
Plankton: [angrily] Man, what does it take to get run over around here?!
SpongeBob: Hi, Plankton.
Plankton: What do ya got, mud in your ears?! Take a hike!
SpongeBob: Ah, yes, I remember. But very quickly, I just wanted to tell that the Krabby Patty secret formula is not, I repeat not, in the safe behind the painting in the Krusty Krab.
Plankton: Why should I care? All meaning has left my life ever since I've been plagued by that blasted whale.
SpongeBob: It's okay. Everybody has a secret fear! For instance, Mr. Krabs' secret fear is... [whispers in Plankton's ear]
Plankton: Really?
SpongeBob: Mmm-hmm, and guess what else? That was Mr. Krabs in a whale suit that you've been scared of.
Plankton: You mean this entire time it's been Krabs masquerading as a whale?! [angrily] Why, that connivin' bottom feeder!
SpongeBob: Well, luckily, you wouldn't have use for such innocuous information, would you?
Plankton: Uh, of course not.
SpongeBob: Oh, all-righty, back to your self-destructive behavior, Plankton. Thanks for the talk!
Plankton: Oh no, thank you! [laughs evilly. Bubble transition]
Mr. Krabs: Whoo-hoo! This is too much fun! [puts on the Pearl costume] I think I found me second callin'. [opens the door] Plankton ain't even a challenge no more!
Plankton: Oh, is that so?
Mr. Krabs: Plankton? Oh, back for more, are ya? Oh, well, here it goes. [breathes deeply] Boo!
Plankton: Ya don't scare me, Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: I ain't Krabs, I'm... I mean... [Pearl's voice] I'm Pearl, not Krabs.
Plankton: The jig is up, Krabs! I know all about the suit, and your secret fear!
Mr. Krabs: [Pearl's voice] Secret fear? [regular voice] What are you talkin' about?
Plankton: See for yourself. [the robotic arm squeezes Mr. Krabs] Enjoy the show! [a mime is shown]
Mr. Krabs: No. No. No! Muh-muh-make it stop! Make it stop! [cries]
Plankton: [laughing evilly] Doesn't feel so good on the other end of the stick, does it, scaredy pants? [laughs] I am lovin' this.
SpongeBob: Hey, Plankton, if I were you, I wouldn't be so smug.
Plankton: Why not?
SpongeBob: Because a hungry pod of whales just showed up for its early feeding. [Plankton gasps. Whales are outside.]
Plankton: [scared] [screams] Not another feeding! Get me outta here! [removes a nail from the floor and jumps inside. SpongeBob puts a cork in the hole, turns off a projector, making the whales disappear, and gets Mr. Krabs out of the robot arm]
Mr. Krabs: Whew! Well, you redeemed yourself, boy. [to mime] Okay, you really are creepin' me out now.