Nautical Novice/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Nautical Novice" from season 6, which aired on March 29, 2008.

[Episode begins at Mrs. Puff's Boating School. Mrs. Puff is teaching her students.]
Mrs. Puff: Remember, class, there's only one way to park a boat: the safe way. You now see the importance of proper steering and a properly calibrated anchor... [SpongeBob writes it down and puts the paper inside his head] ...which brings us to the subject of rudder maintenance. [bell rings. Everyone runs outside except SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Barnacles! Just as we were getting to the nitty-gritty!
Mrs. Puff: Wait a minute, class! [everyone stops and bumps into each other then Jimmy Gus hits the back of the line the hardest and the first fish in line falls out the door] Remember, we will not be here tomorrow. We will be going on a field trip to the Boating Museum. Now run along, kids. [they all run out and Mrs. Puff goes to her desk]
SpongeBob: Wow, the Boating Museum! Maybe tomorrow if I can impress Mrs. Puff with an extensive knowledge of boating history, she'll give me a boating license on the spot! [starts laughing and "drives" his chair out the door and makes boating noises] See you tomorrow, Mrs. P.! [starts laughing again]
Mrs. Puff: Neptune, give me strength!
[Setting goes to SpongeBob at his house at night in his library.]
SpongeBob: Let's see. Ah, there she is. Whoa! [finds his boating history book and falls on the ground with the book and Gary meows] What is this, Gary? Why, it's the complete history of all boating ever and I'm going to memorize it tonight for the big field trip tomorrow. [Gary meows again] I'm perfectly capable of reading 7,400 pages and still getting my required eight hours of sleep before the bus picks me up at promptly at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get started. [Gary moves away] All right, let's see what this little pamphlet is all about. [starts reading] "Chapter 1: In the beginning, Neptune created the sail."
French Narrator: 7:59 a.m.
SpongeBob: "...but such tragedies will be avoided with the flying boat of the future. The end." [looks really exhausted from reading 7,400 pages] Time for a little shuteye before... [the camera focuses on a closeup of his bloodshot eyes with boogers, and he closes his eyes, but then his alarm rings. He opens them] Oh, Mrs. Puff, can't this wait till tomorrow? [closes his eyes again then also opens them] Hang on a minute, it is tomorrow! [runs out his door and sees the bus and runs for it] Hey, wait! Hey! Mrs. Puff! Please stop the bus! [sees Mrs. Puff through the window and knocks]
Bus Driver: What was that?
Mrs. Puff: Nothing, uhh, just keep driving. [SpongeBob knocks on the window again] Step on it!
[The bus driver puts the pedal to metal.]
SpongeBob: Wait!
Mrs. Puff: Phew. [SpongeBob's face is on the window, Mrs. Puff screams and he gets inside]
SpongeBob: No worries, I made it.
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, you look terrible.
[SpongeBob’s face looks exhausting]
SpongeBob: I assure you, I am well rested and ready to learn. Who knows, Mrs. Puff? Before the day is out you may have learned something yourself. [Mrs. Puff smells SpongeBob's odor, sprays "Shower in a Can" on him and he smells better] Hey, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I made this for you.
Mrs. Puff: Made what?
SpongeBob: [holds out a model of a tiny boat] This, the H.M.S. Pinafore, at 1 to 8,427 scale of course.
Mrs. Puff: Thank you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Do you know how many rowers it takes to propel a trireme?
Mrs. Puff: Well, that would be...
SpongeBob: Do you know which boat is fastest on record?
Mrs. Puff: Wasn't that the...
SpongeBob: Did you know in the future that all boats will be powered by dolphin manure? [screen zooms in to SpongeBob] Did you know that the H.M.S. Bluetoes was originally a racing boat before it became the royal family's private yacht? Do you know what scuttling is? What's bigger, a flotilla or a fleet? Did you know... [time passes] Ever been on a... [the bus stops at the museum and SpongeBob flies to the windshield]
Bus Driver: We're here. [SpongeBob goes out the door and notices the Boating Museum]
Mrs. Puff: Welcome, class, to the Boating Museum. This enormous vessel was once the largest in all the seas, but now that has been converted into a museum, it no longer moves.
SpongeBob: Actually, it gets taken to port once a year for maintenance.
Mrs. Puff: If you don't mind, SpongeBob, I'll be doing the teaching today.
SpongeBob: No problemo, Mrs. P. [Mrs. Puff and the rest enter the museum with a room with many boats]
Mrs. Puff: Here it is, class. The most extensive collection of seafaring history ever assembled, from giant naval vessels to more modest craft like this clamming boat.
SpongeBob: I'd say this baby can hold up to... ten clam fishers.
Mrs. Puff: Uh, sure, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Why, I bet they reel in up to 50 clams a day.
Mrs. Puff: Moving along. [they go to a big boat] Over here we have the Sandy Nub. It was a cargo ship used to bring back exotic spices from faraway lands.
SpongeBob: [laughs] With two direct-action steam turbines producing 6,500 horsepower geared up to triple screws, [snaps his fingers] it'll get your spices where they need to go.
Mrs. Puff: [in a mad voice] Thank you again, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: It's working! She's noticing my vast of knowledge! I can now taste the sweet, sweet lamination of a fresh boating license.
[Setting goes to another big boat.]
Mrs. Puff: This, class, is the Lady Scallion.
SpongeBob: ...named after the captain's strict diet of scallions, of which the crew complained and the captain's [makes a P.U. sign] odor strongly resembled. [the kids start taking pictures of him] For four years this brigantine explored distant lands discovering places unknown to anyone besides the people [Mrs. Puff expresses a furious face] who already lived there. [She growls. SpongeBob taps on Mrs. Puff] You ready to give me that license yet, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: [angry voice] Oh, you're going to get it all right.
SpongeBob: [squeals] I knew it!
[They go to more places while SpongeBob informs the class and Mrs. Puff doesn't get a chance. They go to a boat and Mrs. Puff tells them about it, but is interrupted by SpongeBob, who is looking through a telescope at the top. The kids cheer, Mrs. Puff makes an angry face. After the montage, they then walk out of the museum.]
Mrs. Puff: Okay, this is the end of the tour. Anything to add, SpongeBob? [doesn't see him] SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [turns his chair around inside the museum still] Oh boy, here it is! The main controls! Just look at all this stuff! There's the triple oscillator, and there's the hoist pulley, and there's the booby trap, and there's the long range mast knob, and there's a hot dog with extra mustard. [gasps] And there is the starter mechanism. That, right there. [points at the Air Conditioner button] A/C, hmmm...That's short for "automatic conditionata," and that's fancy fancy talk for "Let's get this party started. Like, instantly!" [presses A/C button, the fast air moves towards SpongeBob, who pushes the vent to the left] Tartar sauce..! Whew. [the fast air turns the boat on and an alarm occurs and gears and engines move then the boat moves] Man, I'm glad that's over. Oh, that's a nice touch, what a soothing projection screen. [glass ticks and SpongeBob looks behind]
Mrs. Puff: That's not a projection screen! [runs towards SpongeBob and sits on his lap] SpongeBob, stop it right now!
SpongeBob: Yes, ma’am. [turns the turbo speed on then boat goes faster]
Mrs. Puff: Oh, sweet Poseidon. Move aside. [pushes SpongeBob away] I gotta stop this ship before it plows into Bikini Bottom! Uh, uh, let's see. The first thing to turn off is the... Uh, oh, dear Neptune! I've never driven anything this advanced before. [pulls SpongeBob back] SpongeBob, I hope you know what you were talking about, because it's up to you now.
SpongeBob: Okay. [tries the steering wheel]
Mrs. Puff: We don't have much time. In a few minutes, we'll be flattening millions of innocent lives!
SpongeBob: Innocent lives?!
Mrs. Puff: And you're the only one that can save them.
SpongeBob: The only one...that can...save...them?!
Mrs. Puff: Yes! And what I want you to do [SpongeBob's face turns into a frown] is ummm, tighten the gurneys, then survey the poop deck, and...
SpongeBob: Stop! I know what to do. [pulls out a pirate hat and puts it onto his head] I read a book. Chapter 1, batten down the hatches. [all doors and windows were shut] Next, lower anchor. [the anchor lowers down, but gets stuck on railings] Oh no! [as screen shakes] The anchor is stuck. I’m going to free it manually. I'll be right back. [jumps out of the control center, flies towards the anchor and pulls the anchor with a horse gallop sound and when anchor is free, he swings back and cuts to the control center] Done and done. Thirdly, utter a hearty seaman's laugh. [laughs like a pirate but harsher]
Mrs. Puff: Oh, my gravy. He even knows the hearty laugh! He has been doing his homework!
SpongeBob: [still laughs] And finally, the coup de grace. The only way to park the largest ship ever built, [zooms to SpongeBob's face] is by performing the Reverse 720 Tailspin.
Mrs. Puff: [gasps] But that's never been attempted before!
SpongeBob: You're right, it hasn't. [says sentence with a surprise] Not until now! [the ship spins and does a backflip and spins again then returns to it's position. Cuts to a scene where Bikini Bottom is shown in the ship's windshield and stops with a tiny crash on an apartment and both SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff sighs]
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, I don't know how, [her face turns into a smile] but you did it. You saved us all. Let's get off this thing. [Cut into a scene where they get off the ship] And the way you pulled the anchor out, genius! I never thought I'd say this, but here's your driver's license. [SpongeBob screams and slowly grabs the license]
SpongeBob: Oh, boy! At long last!
Tugboat driver: What are you doing here? [SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff look] No one should be on board while I’m tugging the museum into port.
Mrs. Puff: You mean, he's not driving this thing at all?
Tugboat driver: Heck, no! [Mrs. Puff rips the license, SpongeBob saddens and pulls off the hat, looking at it; to SpongeBob] Now, don't get so down, kid! Look, for your false bravery, I’m giving your honorary Sea Legs, okay? Come on, let me buy you an ice cream. [the boat alarms softly which cuts to the scene where the headlights are on]
SpongeBob: Oh, gosh. [chuckles] Headlights are on! [runs back into the ship]
Mrs. Puff & Tugboat driver: Don't touch anything, you twit! [SpongeBob gets back on the boat]
Tugboat driver: Run! [The ship flips sideways]
Mrs. Puff: [inflates then turn to SpongeBob who pops up beside her] Good thing you studied. [Episode ends]