Much Tofu About Nothing/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Much Tofu About Nothing" from season 2, which aired on May 21, 2024.

[The episode opens with a shot of a book. A hand opens it to reveal Patrick in a bard outfit, badly playing a lute. He notices the viewer and looks shocked.]
Patrick: Huh? Oh, good day! I am Pat-Thos. [leans out of book] Wouldst thou care to join me for a song and a tale? [plays rock music] Oooooh... [the hand slams the book shut, he peeks out of the pages] OK, OK! [grunts and pushes book open] We'll skip the song. [stands on book] Let me tell thee a tale. [jumps off book] 'Tis a juicy tale, [flips page to show Hamdonia] a tale of a fabled and delicious land called Hamdonia!
[Zoom into the book to show a Hamdonian castle. Winged sausages fly past. King Pork Chop is seen on his throne.]
Pork Chop: [humming] Ooh! Today is a very special day in the Kingdom of Hamdonia. For today, my daughter, Princess Hamhock... [takes out a roll of photos] Will finally meet the man she is going to marry. [bells ring] Trumpets!
[A fanfare is played.]
Pork Chop: Prince Shmeat, enter the royal hall!
[Shmeat walks into the hallway.]
Shmeat: [thinking] Oh, all eyes on me, eh? Oh, what do you know? What do you think about that?
Admirers: [all sigh dreamily]
Pork Chop: [giggles as Shmeat approaches]
Shmeat: [bows] Milord.
Pork Chop: Ooh, what a handsome hunk of processed meat you are!
Shmeat: Thank you, milord.
Pork Chop: And now, I give you my beautiful daughter's hand in marr-i-age. [calling] Oh, Princess Hamhock!
[A fanfare plays. The hallway remains empty. Everyone pauses.]
Pork Chop: Come on down, pumpkin.
Sir Frankfurter: [comes running in, panicked] Milord! Milord! [breathes heavily, trips on floor and skids] Oof!
Admirers: [cringing] Yeesh!
[Sir Frankfurter slides on his face up to Pork Chop.]
Pork Chop: Sir Frankfurter, what is the meaning of this?
Sir Frankfurter: [lifts head up, has face squashed, it pops back to normal] The princess is missing!
Pork Chop, Shmeat, and admirers: [gasp]
Pork Chop: Holy meatballs! [panicked] Where is she? Where is she? Where is she!?
[Outside the castle, Princess Hamhock runs with her dog Greasy. Tofu Todd runs in the opposite direction.]
Hamhock: [giggles] Tofu Todd!
Todd: Princess Hamhock!
[They spin each other around and giggle.]
Todd: Oh, Princess Hamhock, I love you so. Let us be married and live happily ever after! [Hamhock drops him] Oh!
Hamhock: [whimpers] Oh, Todd, my father would never approve of you. You're plant-based! [sobs]
Greasy: [barks]
Hamhock: Not now, Greasy. Todd, I--
Greasy: [barks]
Hamhock: [drops Todd, annoyed] What is it, Greasy?
Greasy: [panting as two guards approach]
Hamhock: Huh? Oh...
Guard: [bangs axe] Princess Hamhock, you're late to your own wedding.
Hamhock: Why, you'd have to drag me back there.
Guard: As you wish, milady.
[The guard throws a net over Hamhock, Greasy, and Todd.]
Hamhock: Huh?
[They yelp as they are pulled away. Ham transition back to Pork Chop's castle.]
Pork Chop: Princess, you will marry Prince Shmeat, and that is that!
Hamhock: But Father, I'm in love with [shows him] Tofu Todd.
Todd: Hi, Your Highness.
Pork Chop: The royal princess simply cannot marry a man who isn't [bangs fist on table] pork based.
Hamhock: But Father, there must be some way for me to marry [embraces Todd] the man I love.
Sir Frankfurter: [comes running in, holding a book] Milord, milord!
[He trips and skids into the book face-first. Its ribbon drapes over him like a squirt of mustard.]
Voice: Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs!
Sir Frankfurter: My lord, [points to book] according to the Book of Baloney, there is a way for a princess to marry a plant-based peon.
Pork Chop: What!?
Sir Frankfurter: It says here, "A commoner may marry a royal if he defeats the king's chosen suitor in a series of games known as the Feats of Meats."
Hamhock and Todd: [happily] Oh!
[Todd runs up to Shmeat.]
Todd: Prince Shmeat, I challenge [pokes him] you to the Feats of Meats!
Shmeat: [pushes him away, laughs] Do you really want to humiliate yourself in front of the entire kingdom?
Todd: Well, not exactly.
Shmeat: [shakes his hand] Too late. I accept your challenge.
[Another slice of meat transitions to the grounds outside the castle. Pork Chop, Hamhock, and Greasy are spectating. The crowds are full of meat people.]
Pork Chop: Let the games begin!
Audience: [cheering, applause]
Sir Frankfurter: [inhales deeply, plays fanfare on trumpet] First event, archery!
[Shmeat and Todd show up with bows and shake hands.]
Todd: May the best food product win.
Shmeat: [thinking rapidly] Yeah, well that's not you, it's me, see. Tofu's not even a food. Is it? Is tofu a food? I don't know.
[Todd approaches the target and lifts up his legs. He pulls the arrow back.]
Todd: [thinking] Well, here I am, a boy and his bow. [grunts] And boy, oh, boy, is this bow hard to pull. [pants, grunts, tries to pull it using his legs for support on the arrow, fires it and slices himself in half]
Audience: [gasps]
Todd: Oh, bean curd.
[The arrow lands short of its target.]
Hamhock: [worried gasp] Todd!
Pork Chop: Oh, my dear, your Todd isn't half the man you thought he was, is he? [laughs]
Shmeat: I could do this with my eyes closed! [retreats his body into his can and fires the bow with his feet, which hits its target]
Audience: [cheering, applause]
Hamhock: [holds Greasy] Oh, Greasy. I don't think Tofu Todd can pull this off without a little help.
Greasy: [smiles, barks]
Hamhock: [hugs him] Sounds like a plan!
[Meat transition to Sir Frankfurter announcing round 2.]
Sir Frankfurter: [plays fanfare] Second event, jousting! Uh-oh.
[Shmeat and his horse are riding towards him. The horse neighs. Sir Frankfurter runs away.]
Sir Frankfurter: [screams]
Shmeat: [laughs, then thinks] Oh, time to make a little shish-ka-Todd. Yeah, I've got to turn up the heat on that guy, hmm?
[Todd struggles to mount his horse, and gets on backwards. He grabs the bridle and reaches for his lance, but the horse goes off without him.]
Todd: Oof! Whooooa! [lands on horse] Whoa! Golly, I think somebody gave me a backwards horse.
Hamhock: [to Greasy] OK, remember our plan.
[She drops him off the stands and he runs around the track, barking and leaving a grease trail. He shakes himself off and spills grease in Shmeat's track. Shmeat's horse slips on it and bucks him off.]
Shmeat: [screaming, crashes into tower]
Audience: [cheering, applause]
Todd: Huh? Hot dog, I just won round two!
[Bacon transition to Shmeat and Todd standing on a giant lit barbecue. Shmeat has a piece of ham and Todd has a carrot.]
Sir Frankfurter: [blows trumpet] And now, the final trial in the Feats of Meats, the barbecue battle!
Todd: [grunts, lifts up carrot] For the hand of Princess Hamhock, I challenge thee! [carrot droops] Huh?
Shmeat: [thinking] Oh, challenge me, will he? [rubs hands together] Well, I'll show him a thing or two. [slams the ham against the barbecue, making Todd wobble]
Todd: [helmet falls on his head, he lifts it up]
Shmeat: [laughs]
Pork Chop: [clapping] Most excellent! Most excellent!
Hamhock: [angry] I oughta--hmmph! [gets idea] I've got just the thing to [winks] motivate my man. [takes her hat's cloth off and a new one grows back, waves it at Todd] Yoo-hoo, Tofu Todd! [blows kiss, giggles]
Hamhock's kiss: Mwah, mwah!
Todd: [blushes] Gosh, is that for me?
Shmeat: Ah! [grabs the kiss]
Todd: Huh?
Shmeat: [eats the kiss, laughs]
Todd: For love and honor!
[He stabs Shmeat in the stomach with his carrot, making him spit out the kiss. Todd gets kissed on the cheek and blushes.]
Todd: Golly!
Shmeat: [thinking] Nobody pulls that stuff on me. I'll show you. [hits Todd with the meat] Batter up.
Todd: [flies through air] Whoa!
Hot dog caller: [next to "Ye Olde Heavy Objects" stand] Heavy objects! Heavy objects for sale!
[Todd crashes into the stand. An anvil, bowling balls, an elephant, and his helmet fall on him.]]
Hamhock: Oh!
Crowd: Shmeat! Shmeat! Shmeat!
Hamhock: [runs up to Todd] Oh, no! [to camera] This looks bad, folks!
Greasy: [whimpers, goes up to Todd and lifts his eyelids, showing the words "Out Cold"]
Hamhock: Oh, poor Todd. [looks at his helmet] Hmm? Hmm! [thinking] I got an idea. [a lightbulb pops up]
Lightbulb: [thinking] I got an idea, too. Leave me alone when I'm sleeping. No respect, I tell you. Huh! [turns itself off and poofs away]
Hamhock: [to camera] Huh? Well, golly!
Crowd: Shmeat! Shmeat! Shmeat!
[Shmeat waves to the audience and laughs. Hamhock jumps into the barbecue holding the carrot, with Todd's helmet covering her face.]
Hamhock: For the hand of Princess Hamhock, I challenge thee!
Pork Chop: Hummina-wha? Hummina-who? What's going on?
Sir Frankfurter: Why, it's Tofu Todd, returned to fight. The contest continues!
Pork Chop: Ooh, how exciting! Fight on.
Crowd: [gasps] Todd! Todd! Todd!
Shmeat: [thinking] Oh, back for a second helping, eh? [rolls up sleeves and adjusts can] Well, time to give this little twerp what for. [to Hamhock] Tofu Todd, I meet your challenge.
Hamhock: Well met. But first, look over there, behind you!
Shmeat: Huh? [turns around] Okey-doke. I don't see anything.
[Hamhock uses the carrot to grab Shmeat's can's lid and pulls it off, leaving him naked. A spotlight shines on his butt, and the words "SIRLOIN RUMP" appear on it.]
Crowd: [laughing]
Shmeat: [thinking] Oh! How embarra-skin. Talk about being the butt of the joke. It's mortifying, I tell you. Mortifying!
[Hamhock whips Shmeat with the carrot, making him come apart. She pokes him with it and he runs away yelping.]
Greasy: [drops banana peel on barbecue, snickers]
Shmeat: Whoa! [slips on banana and falls face-first on the grill, creating a cloud of smoke and turning into a piece of sushi]
Sir Frankfurter: The prince has been grilled and musubi'd. Tofu Todd is the winner!
Crowd: Todd! Todd! Todd!
Pork Chop: [clapping] I simply must congratulate my daughter's brave suitor! [walks down the stairs and shakes Hamhock] Excellently done, Tofu Todd! Most excellent, indeed!
Todd: Fret not, your lordship. [staggers and falls on his face, has dizzy clouds shaped like chickens] Oof! [looks up] Tofu Todd, your brave knight, has returned to the battle. [falls again]
Pork Chop: What's this? Two Tofu Todds? [spins Hamhock's helmet off her head]
Hamhock: [gasps]
Audience: Todd! Todd! Princess?
Pork Chop: Now, Princess, this was Tofu Todd's battle, not yours. Which means--
Shmeat: [on top of sushi] Which means you've got to marry [points to self] me!
Hamhock: [gasps]
[Fade to Hamhock in her wedding outfit, being married to Shmeat.]
Priest: In sickness and in health. [Pork Chop smiles and tears up, while Greasy and Todd are sad] Now should the marriage of Princess Hamhock and Prince Shmeat not proceed for any reason, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Patrick: [faintly] Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!
[The ground rumbles. Patrick's mouth comes up under Shmeat and swallows him.]
Shmeat: Aah!
Pork Chop: Egads! The Pointy Mouth of Doom returneth!
[The Hamdonians scream and run away as Patrick eats through the room. He eats Sir Frankfurter.]
Hamhock: Run for your lives!
[Patrick bites behind Hamhock, licks her, and chews her. The Hamdonia background fades away to show the book, and his eyes become visible. He is sitting in a giant pile of meat.]
Patrick: [imitating meat] Ah! Help us! Save us! [chomping] And then the Pointed Maw ate the whole wedding! And-and-and-- [gets hit by a lute] oof!
Squidina: [in a bard outfit] Uh-uh-uh. No more eating beloved characters.
Patrick: [spits out Todd and Hamhock into his mouth and drops them into Squidina's hand]
Hamhock and Todd: Oof! [they get up and dance]
Squidina: [to audience] Goodnight, folks!
Hamhock and Todd: [giggling]
[Iris out. Hamhock gives Todd a kiss.]
Todd: [blushes] Golly!