Library Cards/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Library Cards" from season 11, which aired on September 25, 2018.

[The episode begins with Patrick watching a cartoon that involves with a sea urchin named Sir Urchin getting pummeled by a dimwitted snail named Snail Fail. Snail Fail bashes Sir Urchin with a vase.]
Sir Urchin: Why you...!
Snail Fail: What I do? [hits Sir Urchin with a shoe]
Sir Urchin: Why you...!
Snail Fail: What I do? [hits Sir Urchin with a refrigerator]
Sir Urchin: Why you...!
Snail Fail: What I do?
[Patrick laughs hysterically and carries his television over to SpongeBob's house. Patrick bumps into the front door and gets his face squished. He pulls his face off the screen.]
TV Announcer: Wow! It's the "Sir Urchin and Snail Fail" show!
Patrick: It's cartoon time, SpongeBob! [enters SpongeBob's house] SpongeBob? SpongeBob? [looks all over the living and goes upstairs] SpongeBob? [he sees SpongeBob exit his library] SpongeRobert?
SpongeBob: Oh! It's cartoon time! I'll get our "Sir Urchin" hats. [gets pulled back by Patrick] Whoa.
Patrick: Not so fast, SpongeBob. What's in the secret room?
SpongeBob: It's not a secret room, Patrick. It's my library.
Patrick: W-what's that word mean?
SpongeBob: A library is a...playground for your mind. [pokes his brain out and pulls it back]
[Patrick daydreams about playing on the playground with his brain.]
Patrick: [laughs and grabs the television] Let's do it! It's library time! [throws the television down the stairs]
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: Ow! Ow! [crashes off-screen]
Snail Fail: What I do?
[Bubble transition to inside SpongeBob's library, where Gary is reading a "Cooking without Salt" cookbook. Patrick is laughing and kicks some pillows in a goofy fashion. He climbs on the ladder and rides around on it. He bumps into SpongeBob and lands on Gary's chair, scaring him. Gary angrily hisses at Patrick.]
SpongeBob: [straightens himself out] Oh, tender, naïve Patrick, it's not that kind of playground. It's a place to read books! See?
Patrick: Oh, I love books! [laughs and throws books around] Book! Book! [SpongeBob dodges the incoming books] Book!
SpongeBob: [whispers] Gary, I don't think Patrick knows how to use a book properly. [gets hit in the face by a book] Ow! [removes the book and grabs Patrick] Behold the books, Patrick. Each one has a story to tell.
Patrick: Whoa.
SpongeBob: Look out! Those books are cliffhangers, stories for the adventurous.
[Two books are clinging for their lives on the shelf. Patrick panics and rushes to help them.]
Patrick: I'll save you! [climbs on the shelf] Whoa! [falls down and gets crushed underneath]
SpongeBob: [pulls Patrick out and shows a log-shaped book] There are logbooks, [holds up a really large book entitled, "War and Peace"] unabridged books, [shows a pop-up book that displays London's Tower Bridge] and books with bridges.
Patrick: Whoa! [laughs]
SpongeBob: [puts a book close to his ear] Listen to the soothing sounds of the audiobooks. [hears seagulls cawing and ocean waves] I can hear the ocean.
[Patrick grabs a book and hears a toilet flushing.]
Patrick: Me too!
[SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.]
SpongeBob: Cookbooks, for the culinarily curious.
[Patrick takes a page that has a picture of a turkey on it. He puts it on a stove, fries it up, and eats it.]
Patrick: I like the pictures.
SpongeBob: [reaches in Patrick's mouth and grabs the page] Ah, but the pictures are a mere snack! [closes the book and puts it away] It's the words in the book that really feeds your brain. Let's start you off with an old book. [takes an old book that is covered in cobwebs and dust; he parachutes down and opens the book; and eerie dust bunny appears and SpongeBob sniffs it up] Ah, musty old books smell. Now, read the words, Patrick.
Patrick: Oh, read the—oh, uh..."Once...Upon a..." "Once upon a..." Once upon a what?!
SpongeBob: To continue the story, you have to turn the page. [turns a page]
Patrick: Oh. "Time." "Once upon a time!" [laughs and turns pages] That's the most amazing trick I've ever seen! I want to stare at more words!
SpongeBob: Then feast your eyes!
[SpongeBob turns the pages and Patrick goes to read. Inside Patrick's head, his brain is sitting alone on the couch, feeling bored. It picks its nose and smears it on the arm rest. It then sees Patrick looking at the words in the book he's reading.]
Patrick: Once upon a time...
[While Patrick is reading, the words "Once upon a time" fly in through his eye sockets and pile up on his brain.]
Patrick: [continues to read while SpongeBob is turning the pages] Once a— You're too slow! [pushes SpongeBob away and reads through the book]
SpongeBob: He likes it! Hey, Patrick!
[As Patrick continues to read, more words flow into his brain. The brain sniffs at the words and comes up with an idea. It gathers the words together and uses them to build a house. Once it's complete, it reads "Home Sweet Home." It enters its house, but more words pile up as Patrick continuously reads books. As Patrick continues to read, his head begins to swell up.]
SpongeBob: Ooh, Patrick, your head is absorbing all the book knowledge just like a sponge! [laughs]
[Patrick's brain is building more houses out of the words that flow into Patrick's head.]
SpongeBob: [laughs and bangs on books like drums] Go, Patrick! Get those words! Get them good!
[Patrick uses his eyeballs to page through the books in a fast pace and SpongeBob drums really hard. Patrick's brain builds more buildings. Patrick's eyes suck up all the until he starts getting tired.]
Patrick: Stop reading words! [his pupils page through the book as his head swells]
SpongeBob: Wow, what a bookworm! [sees Patrick's swelled up head] Whoa.
Patrick: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, I think that's enough knowledge for one day. Looks like you're full.
Patrick: Nonsense, dear boy. One can never accumulate too much information. [whips his face with a napkin] Ahem.
SpongeBob: Well, we're fresh out of books. Come on, I'll buy you an ice cream.
Patrick: Ah, I must confess to feeling more than slightly peckish.
SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm so proud of you! Ooh, you're a big brain now!
[Patrick attempts to leave, but his enormous head gets him stuck to the door.]
Patrick: Oh, skosh too big, it seems, eh, wha'?
SpongeBob: "Eh, wha" what?
Patrick: [laughs] Oh, no matter, my plebeian friend. I shall simply exit posthaste, posterior-first. [attempts to exit backwards, but ends up getting stuck]
SpongeBob: I got it. [pushes Patrick]
Patrick: Careful.
SpongeBob: Little bit... [pushes Patrick] Wow. You really got your melon jammed in there, didn't you?
Patrick: Oh, true, SpongeBob. Eh, but we can easily solve this problem on a quantum physics level. Take this down. If we reduce my subatomic particles by way of orbital electromagnetism, we'll create a harmonic oscillation within the molecules, resulting in a wave-function collapse, which will enable my "melon," as you so drolly put it, to slip out.
[As Patrick spoke, simple mathematics appear from his head and swirl around SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Okay, sure. Let's give it a try. [puts various parts together and creates a machine; he stick the suction plugs on to Patrick's head; then he creates sound waves to help shrink Patrick's head, but the waves bounce back and hit Gary, causing him to shrink and multiply into little snails] Gary! Speak to me. Oh... [gathers the little snails and forms Gary back to his normal self] Oh, Gary you're back. I'd know that slime anywhere. [gasps] Slime! That's it! [laughs] Slime it up, Gar-bear.
[Gary slithers slime all over Patrick's head.]
Patrick: Abominable!
SpongeBob: Yeah, that Gary grease ought to do it. Okay, Patrick, pull yourself out.
[Patrick attempts to pull himself out, but with no success. SpongeBob tries to help him, but Patrick's swelled up head sends him flying into one of the bookshelves. SpongeBob sees a book about head-shrinking.]
SpongeBob: Hey. "Head Shrinking for Beginners." [reads book] Hm...
[The fireplace builds up the fire. SpongeBob, dressed as a witchdoctor, screams like a chicken. Gary plays the drums in rhythm. Patrick's head is covered in lite candles. SpongeBob chants and dances around like he's performing a ritual. He opens the bottle, drinks the potion and spits it in Patrick's face. But instead of shrinking Patrick's head, SpongeBob's head shrinks.]
SpongeBob: [high-pitched] Oh, I give up! I'll guess we'll have to live here in the library forever, Gary.
[Gary hides behind the drums in fear. SpongeBob cries a fountain of tears and his head goes back to normal.]
Patrick: SpongeBob, your typically moronic attempt has given me the solution! Perhaps because I had to smarten up to get stuck...
SpongeBob: You'll need to dumb down to get free!
Patrick: [laughs] Who's sporting the big brain now, hm? [laughs]
SpongeBob: All right, Patrick, let's get stupid! Yeah! [gives Patrick a tongue five]
[SpongeBob puts on gloves and goggles. Patrick kicks a book in SpongeBob's face.]
SpongeBob: Electronics.
[SpongeBob collects various pieces of parts and puts them all together to make a television set. Once he's done, he places it in front of Patrick.]
SpongeBob: Whew. I hope this works.
[Patrick sighs and SpongeBob turns on the television where the Sir Urchin and Snail Fail show is airing. Snail Fail hits Sir Urchin with a vase.]
Sir Urchin: Why you...!
Snail Fail: What I do? [hits the sea urchin with a shoe]
Sir Urchin: Why you...!
Snail Fail: What I do?
Patrick: I'm sorry, dear boy, but watching this mindless drivel isn't affecting me in the least...[gets dazed and starts to drool]
SpongeBob: We've got drool! Patrick, it's working! [holds up the television]
Snail Fail: What I do?
Patrick: [his eyeballs rub against the screen] This is insulting my intelligence. [begins to laugh] And I adore it! [laughs enthusiastically]
[Inside Patrick's head, Patrick's brain hears a loud noise. He turns and sees Sir Urchin and Snail Fail destroying everything it built.]
Snail Fail: What I do? [hits Sir Urchin with a word]
Sir Urchin: [throws a chunk] Why you...!
Snail Fail: What I do? [hits Sir Urchin with a word]
[Patrick's brain runs to hide somewhere as Sir Urchin and Snail Fail destroy everything. Patrick's head shrinks down to its normal size.]
SpongeBob: We did it, Patrick! The mindless drivel is destroying your knowledge!
[SpongeBob plugs a hose in Patrick's head and sprays the words back into the books. He sprays the words onto the shelves and form brand new books for his library. The hose spits out the last remaining words and Patrick's brain.]
SpongeBob: Whoops. Here, Patrick. You may need this little fella. [puts his brain back into Patrick's head]
Patrick: Huh? Ah.
[Patrick's brain falls onto the couch in his head. It becomes bored again and picks its nose.]
SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, this is where we came in. Ready for some ice cream?
Patrick: Boy, am I ever! [sees a book on the floor] A book? I love books! [goes back to throwing books] A book! [throws books] A book!
SpongeBob: [dodges the incoming books] That's right, Patrick. [dodges a book] Play nice with the pretty squares. Gary, this is really one for the books, eh? [laughs]
[Gary meows dully in response. SpongeBob laughs, but gets a book thrown in his mouth. He turns to the screen and laughs as he shows the cover of the book entitled, "The End."]