Kooky Cooks/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Kooky Cooks" from season 12, which aired on April 9, 2021.

[The episode begins at Fancy!, where Mrs. Puff and Mr. Krabs are sitting together at a table]
Mrs. Puff: Oh, this restaurant is so fancy! Even the silverware is made of velvet. [feels the fork] Ooh.
Mr. Krabs: [laughs and tickles Mrs. Puff with his finger] Nothing's too good for my Puffykins.
Waiter: Madame and Monsieur, your menus. [hands out menus to Mrs. Puff and Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Thank you. [briefly reads menu] These prices! [the prices go up on his menu]
Waiter: And what would mademoiselle desire?
Mrs. Puff: [giggles] I don't know. What do you think, Krabsy-Wabsy?
Mr. Krabs: The water looks delicious, Puffcake.
Mrs. Puff: [laughs, pinches Mr. Krabs' cheek] Such a kidder. Monsieur and I will have the Kelp Konsuime to start.
Mr. Krabs: [gulps] Start?
Mrs. Puff: Followed by the Sargasso Salad, [Mr. Krabs' menu gets set on fire] and the Sweet and Sour Algae.
Waiter: Ah, may I suggest the Coral Jubilee for dessert? It's our most expensive item.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, yes! We must try that, Eugene. We'll take two.
Mr. Krabs: [laughs nervously] Yeah, sure. [chuckles] Of course.
Waiter: Excellent choice, mademoiselle.
Mr. Krabs: [moans]
Mr. Krabs' eyestalks: Do something, Krabs! You're gonna go broke!
Mr. Krabs: [looks around, and sees the waiter holding two soup bowls] Ah! Hee hee hee. I'll get soup all over me nice suit, and our meal will be free. [rolls small dinner roll onto floor, which the waiter slips on, but lands safely and catches the soup in the bowls]
[applause]
Mr. Krabs: I've got one last thing to try. [rapidly places an unseen object into his soup and snaps his fingers] Uh, waiter! There's an eyelash in me soup.
Waiter: Oh my dear, how revolting. [he pulls on the eyelash, revealing SpongeBob is in the bowl] Eeew.
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Oh, bonjour, Mrs. Puff! Mr. Krabs said if I came along, we'd all get a free meal!
Mrs. Puff: [angrily] Eugene! This is so [inflates, then deflates] embarrassing! [walks away]
Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Wait!
Waiter: Ahem! Your bill, sir. [he reveals the bill, which is very long in length]
Mr. Krabs: [pulls coupons out of his suit] Do you take Krusty Krab coupons? [the waiter kicks him out of the restaurant, and Mr. Krabs sees Mrs. Puff walking away. He grabs onto Mrs. Puff's dress as she walks] Oh! Oh, no, don't go sweetie Puff! Your little Krabsy is so sorry!
Mrs. Puff: [slaps Mr. Krabs] Once again, you ruined our whole evening by being cheap! I thought you cared about me!
Mr. Krabs: I do. I'll make it up to you, honey biscuit. Tomorrow night at my house, we'll have the most romantic and fancy type meal you ever tasted!
Mrs. Puff: Alright. But, it better be perfect. [boops Krabs' nose] Or else!
Mr. Krabs: [gulps and chuckles]
SpongeBob: [carrying soup and running] Mr. Krabs, you forgot your soup. '[squeezes soup out of his body and into the bowl]
Mr. Krabs: [devours soup] SpongeBob, I've got another little job for you tomorrow night.
French narrator: Zee next evening...
[At Mr. Krabs' house]
SpongeBob: [ringing Mr. Krabs' doorbell repeatedly] I love working free overtime!
Squidward: Like I love the sweet embrace of death.
Mr. Krabs: [opens the door] Get inside, you two, before Puff sees ya! [drags SpongeBob and Squidward into his kitchen] SpongeBob, you're cooking a fancy pants dinner for me and Mrs. Puff.
SpongeBob: I came prepared, Mr. Krabs. [he rips off his clothes, revealing a tuxedo and shiny black pants] Fancy pants for a fancy meal.
Squidward: Ha! SpongeBob can't cook anything but grease trap muck! He's not a gourmet like moi!
SpongeBob: Not true! I can cook fancy food! [whispering into Mr. Krabs' ear] I once made a Krabby Patty with three buns.
Mr. Krabs: You make a good point, Squidward. That's why you're gonna use your hyperlutin' knowledge to supervise him.
Squidward: Of course.
Mr. Krabs: [whistles] Pearl! You're serving the food. [holds out a small dress suit]
Pearl: [walks in] But Daddy, I was planning on staring at my phone tonight! [sighs and attempts putting on fancy dress as SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs walk into the kitchen. Pearl crashes into a wall behind her]
[in the kitchen]
Squidward: This place is ancient! How are we supposed to cook anything with this junk?
Mr. Krabs: What are you talking about? [banging on the oven] This is high quality Navy surplus here! [the oven opens, revealing a group of old pirates cooking with a campfire who run out quickly] Heh heh heh. So, maybe it's a little outdated. Now just get cooking! And that dinner better be fantastic, or else! [hears doorbell ringing] Ooh! Me lady fair is here! [dashes out of the kitchen to get the door]
SpongeBob: [climbs onto kitchen counter] Ooh! What does this do? [he pulls on the string of a small cannon located on the counter, launching out two pieces of buttered bread that land on Squidward's face]
Squidward: [moans in anger]
Mr. Krabs: [opens the door for Mrs. Puff who walks into his house] Good evening, my dear. May I say you look lovelier than a stack of twenties.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, Eugene! [Mr. Krabs kisses her arm] You know how I love it when you compare me to folding money.
[in the dining room]
Mr. Krabs: [Mr. Krabs takes Mrs. Puff to her seat] Me daughter Pearl will be our server tonight.
Mrs. Puff: [slight gasp] How sweet.
[Mr. Krabs snaps his claws as a signal for Pearl to pour the drink, to which she sighs in irritation. She takes Mr. Krabs' claw and snaps the bottle off with his claws and proceeds to pour it. Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff laugh while Pearl stomps to the kitchen, while continuing to sigh in irritation. Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff drink. Mrs. Puff gets hearts in her eyes, showing her affection for Mr. Krabs.]
Mrs. Puff: [bubbles appear in her eyes as they turn into hearts] [as she burps] Oh, the sparkling sutler is extra fizzy tonight.
Mr. Krabs: Now you just relax, Puffkins, while I consult with me very expensive private chefs. [he walks off to the kitchen nervously]
Mr. Krabs: Alright, hurry up, you cheap slob slingers! Get the dinner on the table! [walks away]
[Squidward goes to the fridge and grabs the vegetables]
Squidward: [as he puts the vegetables on the table for SpongeBob to cook] Here. Even a simpleton like you could make a sal-ad. And it better be fancy. [he throws a spatula at SpongeBob, and he catches it]
SpongeBob: [sweating] Oh, I hope I can make it fancy enough. [smacks the ingredients with a spatula. He then uses a beater to hit the vegetables. He smacks himself with a tomato, and gathers up the ingredients to finish the salads] How's this?
[close-up of the salads is shown, while a heavenly sound effect plays; Pearl groans as she takes the plates]
SpongeBob: Oops! Can't forget the salad dressing. [pours dish soap onto the salads; Pearl walks away]
[Pearl groans as she sets the salads onto the table]
Mr. Krabs: Ah! [licks lips]
Mrs. Puff: Mmm, it looks wonderful.
Mr. Krabs: Huh. It kinda does, doesn't it? [he takes a bite into his salad] Hey, not bad. [he then burps out a soap bubble, and takes away Mrs. Puff's food before she can eat it] But it's not good enough for my Puffykins! [chuckles]
Mrs. Puff: Why, Eugene, how galosh.
Mr. Krabs: I'll just go check on the course. [walks away with the plates]
Mrs. Puff: [stomach rumbling] Oh, my!
[In the kitchen, Mr. Krabs pushes out a bubble from his mouth, which pops and leaves a message in his voice]
Mr. Krabs: [from bubble] What in the name of all that's greasy are you doing in here?! [spoken] Salads ain't supposed to have bubbles! Squidward, you're supposed to be watching him! Don't ruin this dinner for me! [gives SpongeBob and Squidward their salads back and walks away]
Squidward: Just what did you [grabs soap bottle] put on that salad? [squeezes bottle] Oh, good grief, this is dish soap!
SpongeBob: [sniffs salad] I thought those salads had a fresh lemony scent.
Squidward: Go back to cooking, you numbskull!
[scene bubble transitions to Squidward pouring soup into two bowls that Pearl is holding. She takes them back to the table and groans again]
Mr. Krabs: [tries to eat the soup, but his spoon burns up] Huh? [he gasps as he takes Mrs. Puff's bowl away before she can take a bite] Not fancy enough for you! [chuckles]
[a nearby painting's ship burns down from the soup, leaving one fish on a much smaller boat. Pearl then brings two plates of sizzling food]
Mrs. Puff: Ooh. It looks beautiful!
Mr. Krabs: [Mr. Krabs' food starts creating smoke] Uh oh. [he shoves both trays of food into his mouth, which soon explode] Still not fancy enough for ya.
[Pearl brings another tray of food. Mrs. Puff picks some of it up with her fork, and the food starts eating the fork]
Mr. Krabs: [hooks the food away from the fork] Uh, still not fancy enough for me fancy lady! [chuckles]
Mrs. Puff: [grabbing onto Mr. Krabs
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, okay, I'll just go check on the main course then. [walks back to the kitchen]
Mrs. Puff: [sighs] Huh? [shrugs and eats the candle on the table]
[back in the kitchen]
Mr. Krabs: You two had better come up with something tasty, or you're both double fired!
Squidward: So, we're fired from being fired? Does that mean we're hired?
SpongeBob: Yes!
Mr. Krabs: [growls] Then you're triple fired!
SpongeBob: No.
Mr. Krabs: Just make something edible! [sighs and walks away]
[SpongeBob opens the oven to pick up a new tray of food]
Squidward: [sniffs] Hey, that actually smells tasty.
SpongeBob: [lifting the food up in the air] Hooray! [he tries to catch the food, but it lands on Squidward's head]
Squidward: [wipes away the food, and throws a bunch of oatmeal onto SpongeBob, knocking him down]
[SpongeBob throws spaghetti onto Squidward's head, who growls as he keeps as it on his head. He throws several vegetables at SpongeBob, who gasps and goes up to the cannon]
SpongeBob: Food fight! [uses the cannon to launch lettuce at Squidward, along with several other vegetables]
[Squidward, now on the oven which he uses as a makeshift ship, squirts mustard at SpongeBob. SpongeBob throws flour at Squidward, and then slips off of the cannon from the mustard. He slides into a barrel full of batter, and slides straight into the oven which Squidward had opened]
Squidward: Ah! SpongeBob! [he opens the oven door and pulls SpongeBob out, who has been cooked] Ooh, ooh! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! [puts SpongeBob on the plate, and the platter closes on top of him]
[Pearl, on her phone, takes the platter while Squidward cools off his tentacles]
Squidward: Whew. Huh?
[Pearl sets down the giant platter, and groans as she walks away]
Mr. Krabs: [chuckles, hand on platter] Just let me check the quality, my dear.
Mrs. Puff: [violently grabbing Mr. Krabs' claw] Let go of my grub, bub!
Mr. Krabs: [is thrown onto the ground] Whoa!
Mrs. Puff: [throws off the platter to reveal a cooked SpongeBob] Mmm, I'm famished!
Squidward: [whispering to the others] Psst! That's not food! That's SpongeBob!
Mr. Krabs: Argh!
[Mrs. Puff tries to stab SpongeBob, who keeps dodging]
Mr. Krabs: We've gotta stop her! [lunges at the table to grab SpongeBob]
Mrs. Puff: Where are you going with my dinner?!
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, go long! [throws SpongeBob to him]
Squidward: I don't want him! [throws SpongeBob to Pearl]
Pearl: Gross!
[Mrs. Puff attacks Pearl, which sends SpongeBob onto the floor. Like a rabid animal, Mrs. Puff dives onto SpongeBob. Close-ups of Mr. Krabs and Pearl screaming are shown, and Squidward just shrugs. Mr. Krabs and Pearl jump onto Pearl, and Squidward reluctantly climbs on top of Pearl. Mrs. Puff inflates, sending everyone else back, and eats SpongeBob whole. She burps, and reverts to her original size]
Mrs. Puff: Ooh. [slurps] That was delicious.
Mr. Krabs: Uh, Puffykins. I don't know how to say this, but...
Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Pearl: You ate SpongeBob!
[SpongeBob laughs in Mrs. Puff's stomach]
SpongeBob: [inside Mrs. Puff's stomach] Hey, a candle!
Mrs. Puff: Oh, my.
Mr. Krabs: I'm afraid you'll finally have to pass SpongeBob.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, just take me to the doctor.
French Narrator: One operation later...
[at the Krusty Krab. Mrs. Puff is now in a wheelchair, and her stomach is bandaged]
SpongeBob: [singy-songy, lifting the food platter] Dinner is served! [close-up of the large Krabby Patty is shown as a heavenly sound plays] [whispering to Mr. Krabs] Three buns.
Mrs. Puff: [eats the patty] It's perfect.
SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs: Phew.
Mrs. Puff: [stomach rumbles] But I'm still hungry. [her eyes turn into swirls as she hallucinates SpongeBob turning into the food from earlier, making her lick her lips. In her wheelchair, she heads towards SpongeBob, who runs away screaming. She chases her outside of the Krusty Krab] I just want a taste!
French Narrator: Bon appétit.
[the episode ends as it irises out]