This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "I ♥ Dancing" from season 7, which aired on July 19, 2009.

• [The scene zooms in on Squidward's house. The door opens and Squidward appears]
• Squidward: The coast looks clear... [steps outside, and closes the door to his house, and standing in front of it with his hands over it as if he does not want anyone to see him. He tiptoes away down the road and walks by SpongeBob's pineapple house just as it opens]
• SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! [Squidward grunts and keeps walking down the street. SpongeBob starts jogging toward Squidward and stops right in front of him. Squidward stops walking. SpongeBob raises his hand in the air and twirls around. He starts tapping his feet. He points near Squidward's forehead, and in the other direction as he turns around]
• SpongeBob: Today, I feel like doing some dancing! [points down, and then points to Squidward as the music stops]
• Squidward: That's funny. Even a barnacle knows you need music to dance. [SpongeBob puts his finger up to his mouth and starts shaking his butt side to side]
• SpongeBob: Oh-ho, I got music, friend... [runs up to Squidward] ...in my mind! [takes out his brain, musical notes come out of it and upbeat surf music plays. He turns a dial, and upbeat ukulele music comes out of it. He turns it again, and acoustic ballad music plays. Scene goes back to SpongeBob, still holding his brain up out of his head] Oh, I love this song! [throws his brain up into the air, and runs away. He takes off his hat with a funny face, and his brain lands back into his head. He rubs his hands together] Here I go! [starts walking back and forth and waving his floppy arms mysteriously, with a face as if he is sleepwalking. Maracas join the music. He turns, and starts moving his legs forward and in back of each other]
• Squidward: That is the stupidest dance move I've ever seen! [SpongeBob huffs and makes a face not like any other to this reaction]
• SpongeBob: Who put you on the planet? Rueegh! [The scene goes back to Squidward still walking toward the Krusty Krab, but SpongeBob is walking backwards behind him with a cheerful face. Now, at the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob lifts his leg, and uses his spatula to pick up six patties, and then hops on the wall. He flies up the wall, onto the ceiling, and the gravity forces down the patties onto one big plate with six smaller plates on it, but the patties all land on the same plate. Then, the patties all bounce onto the plate they should be on. SpongeBob walks over to the plate with his hands over his pants as if he has to pee, then he lifts his arm, then his other in a pattern, then twirls around. When he stops, the top buns are on his back. They all fly off, and onto the patties one at a time. The door swings open, and SpongeBob with a smile holds up all six Krabby Patties in one hand with Squidward still watching. Then, he throws the patties up into the air, and starts whistling, walking backwards right then left, then stops when the patties all fly on Squidward's head. SpongeBob's hands are up in the air when one grabs the giant plate. Then, he runs away skipping and varying the plate with one hand again. A scene from the cash register-boat is seen with Squidward's face flat, and then he moans. SpongeBob points to the ground closing his eyes, twirling the plate on one finger. Then, a close-up scene of the plate appears, and all the Krabby Patties fly of the big plate, still on their little ones all to the right customers. A customer receives his patty, a drink, some nachos, a sub sandwich, and then a pizza appears and lands on top of the table covering everything else. He sticks his tongue out like a dog getting ready to eat it, but a suit of armor falls on it. Then, the entire table collapses. SpongeBob is now seen in front of the door. He is still twirling the plate around on one finger, then he twirls himself around, and he starts to float in the air. He lands in front of another customer's table, and all that is left on the plate is one Krabby Patty. He starts sliding left, then he slides right, and gallops like a sea horse, and jump ropes over the patty once, and falls down. SpongeBob gets back up, and starts moving his legs, and takes his hat off, holding the plate in the other hand. He then holds the patty with two hands for a quick second, and the area where his neck is splits in half marked by the top of his shirt, and the patty slips through the opening. Then, he does that again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and then he jumps up, and uses the patty like a rope to swing back to where he was before in front of the table. He then smiles, and bows causing the patty to slide off of the giant plate, and onto the table]
• SpongeBob: Your Krabby Patty, ma'am. [raises the plate] Now eat it, swallow it, and chew it down!
• Female fish: Oh, thank you very much, darling. And your dance moves are pretty cool, too.
• SpongeBob: [bends his head back] Really? [runs up to the woman] You like my dancin'?
• Female fish: [holding a cell phone with an antenna coming out of it] That's right, kid. You got the dazzle, dazzle, dazzle. I love how you did that shuffle into the moonsault, and then stuck the landing!
• SpongeBob: [giggles] Well, that's very nice of you to say. [starts walking away]
• Female fish: Wait! I'm not finished speaking words. I'm a high-class talent agent and I want to invite you to an audition. I have a very talented client who needs a backup dancer and you got what it takes! [gives SpongeBob a card] Come down to my dance studio tomorrow afternoon. You're goin' places, kid. [she walks away. SpongeBob runs next to the cash register-boat]
• Squidward: Would you please stop dancing?
• SpongeBob: No, I can't stop dancin' now, Squidward. I have to practice for my big audition tomorrow! [holds up his card in front of Squidward whose eyes are following it]
• Squidward: You got a dance audition?
• SpongeBob: That's right! [starts moving his feet] So I gotta practice as much as I can before tomorrow. [runs back into the kitchen] Got a dance audition.
• Squidward: That idiot has a dance audition? He doesn't know the first thing about the subtle intricacies of dance! [sighs] Let him practice till he drops! He's never gonna get that part. [stops, with a mischievous smile] That's it! He'll just have to practice 'till he drops! When he does, I'll be there all leotarded up and ready to show my stuff! [jumps into the kitchen window] Oh, SpongeBob! SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob... [jumps onto the kitchen ground] ...duh, I mean, uh... [his eyelids droop a little] ... I suppose I could take you under my tutelage, you know, show you a few moves.
• SpongeBob: Under your tutelage, really? You mean it? [his mouth shrinks and Squidward puts his hand on him]
• Squidward: But, you must do exactly what I say. Got that?
• SpongeBob: [his eyes grow] I am dance-putty in your hands! [The scene appears at Squidward's house, first from the outside, then from the inside. SpongeBob and Squidward are both on the top floor with dancing outfits on.]
• Squidward: [writing on check board] Hmm... [walks behind SpongeBob, and pulls his headband, and it snaps right back, with a little flash]
• SpongeBob: Oh, what are you doing, Squidward?
• Squidward: Oh, um, just a physical assessment I do with all of my new pupils. [giggles] Yeah, I'd say judging from the condition of those flabby ankles...
• SpongeBob: Flabby?
• Squidward: That's right. You need some physical conditioning before you ever set foot on a dance parquet. I want you to run to the top of Oyster Peak then back. [points away]
• SpongeBob: [starts running] Oh, anything to get rid of these flabby ankles of mine.
• Squidward: [the scene cuts to Squidward's face, smiling mischievously] By the time that idiot gets back, he'll be too tired to dance! [starts laughing as a zooming sound sounds, and SpongeBob appears right next to Squidward, but his head is not exactly looking at him]
• Squidward: [drops everything] What are you doing here?
• SpongeBob: I'm back from Mount Oyster! [takes out a snowglobe and hands it to Squidward] Here. [the scene moves onto the snowglobe only] Got this for you at the gift shop. [as always, snow is falling from the snowglobe, and jingle bells are heard]
• Squidward: Fine! [takes the snowglobe and throws it over his shoulder and picks up SpongeBob] Let's move on to our first dance lesson. [puts him down on the treadmill and points to the treadmill] I want you to moonwalk on this treadmill while I read this entire novel! [walks away whilst SpongeBob starts moonwalking on the treadmill. Cuts to Squidward in the library, reading the novel on a blue chair with a purple lamp shining above his head]
• Squidward: [finishes his novel] Huh? Huh? What, is he still at it? [opens the door to the library] Huh? [sees SpongeBob still moonwalking on the treadmill, until it explodes, then comes to a complete stop] My treadmill!
• SpongeBob: You know, Squidward, exercising's fun and all, but when am I gonna learn some dancing? [Squidward grunts angrily crushing his tentacles]
• Squidward: All right! You wanna learn some dancing?! I'll show you dancing! [starts a record on his record player] You know what gets people going? Ribbons! [pulls out a ribbon. SpongeBob is seated in a chair. He then starts twirling the ribbon]
• SpongeBob: Whoo!
• Squidward: Now, do just as I did. [SpongeBob runs up to take the ribbon]
• SpongeBob: Like this? [starts twirling the ribbon, cracks it like a whip, and changes it into a helicopter, a dinosaur and a mermaid. Squidward spits out his drink. The mermaid picks SpongeBob up and flies him around the room. He then approaches Squidward, who snatches the ribbon out of his hand, throws it on the floor, and stomps on it angrily. SpongeBob frowns as Squidward jump stomps on the ribbon, eventually putting a hole in the floor, crashing below. SpongeBob does the exact same thing.]
• SpongeBob: Like that, Squidward? [we now see SpongeBob with a bowtie on. Squidward puts a hat on him and hands him a cane.]
• Squidward: Okay, try this. [stretches his bow tie] It's simple. [he throws the cane] And a real showstopper. [catches the cane] Pay close attention. [squats for a second, then starts marching in place while twirling his cane. He throws the cane up, slides, and catches the cane in his other hand.] Now you.
• SpongeBob: [as Squidward approaches him] Gee, I don't know. Are you sure?
• Squidward: [points at SpongeBob] You want to ace the audition, don't you?
• SpongeBob: Well, yes, but--
• Squidward: Then do it! [sticks his cane at SpongeBob's nose. He takes it off as SpongeBob walks away. He looks at his cane, throws it and catches it. He gets excited. We see Squidward frowning for a moment. SpongeBob starts squatting. He then starts twirling his cane, throws it while still twirling, and catches it in his other hand. SpongeBob continues to twirl his cane as he shows his happy face at us. He hits the cane on the ground, and then hits Squidward's nose. He takes off the top of the cane, revealing flowers. He put the flowers on Squidward's hat. Squidward sucks them up with a vacuum as SpongeBob continues to dance with his cane. He then jumps rope with the cane and we see Squidward's eye twitching. As SpongeBob continues to dance with the cane, we see different colored backgrounds. At one point, he pretends that he's horse-riding with the cane. He then uses the cane as an acrobat's swinging bar and flies away. We see Squidward frowning for a moment, walks up to SpongeBob, still dancing. But before he can do anything, SpongeBob accidentally whacks the cane on his face, revealing a huge, hairy lump ripping its way out of Squidward's skin. SpongeBob then makes more SpongeBobs appear with his fingers. They all are dancing before Squidward literally tears up the act.] Enough! Listen, you pea-brain, we are gonna keep working on your routine until you get it right! [pokes SpongeBob in the eye] And I don't care how long it takes! Now, watch closely. [the eyeball pops right back out, now Squidward does a move] And a-one... [does another move] And a-two... [jumps in the air, shakes his legs and then lands] And aha! You think you can handle that?
• SpongeBob: Yes, sir.
• Squidward: Then go and practice it, and don't stop until you've done exactly as I did.
• SpongeBob: [starts repeating the dance as Squidward did it] And a-one, and a-two, and a-- [falls on his butt] No. [gets up and tries again] And a-one, and a-two, and a-- [falls on his face and gets up] No.
• Squidward: Remember, don't stop till you've done it right. [slams the door]
• SpongeBob: Right, Squidward. [tries the dance again] And a-one, and a-two, and a-- [falls on his head and gets up] Nope. [as it switches from night to day, we hear SpongeBob continuously thudding. Squidward gets up from his bed, yawning.]
• Squidward: [smacks his lips and then scratches his head, then sighs] Better go check on the little yellow sea-monkey's progress. [takes his sleeping hat off and goes into the room, now with his dancing suit on] Well, SpongeBob, have you learned the moves?
• SpongeBob: [now really tired] And a-one, and a-two, and a-- [falls on his back]
• Squidward: [looking down at SpongeBob] Aw, come on, now. After all I've done for you? We've got one day, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: [as he gets up] Oh, you're right.
• Squidward: [as he claps his hands] Let's go, let's go! We're burning daylight. [we see a montage of Squidward instructing SpongeBob the dance that he did. An alarm clock goes by; at one point, Squidward pulls out one of his nosehairs. A tired SpongeBob also passes by a few times, the last time with his eyes closed. Scene cuts to the outside of Squidward's house, and then back inside.]
• SpongeBob: [tries the dance again] And a-one, and a-two, and a-oof! [lands perfectly, just as Squidward did; speaking slightly slurred] Is that okay, Squidward?
• Squidward: I'm still not convinced. [points at SpongeBob] Do it again. [SpongeBob kneels away and does the dance again, this time with his eyes closed]
• SpongeBob: And a-one, and a-two... [attempts the final move, but he opens his eyes halfway and starts shaking and we see Squidward with his evil smile. SpongeBob stops, closes his eyes and mumbles "a-one and a-two and a...and...: He shakes back and forth once more and then finally falls asleep; he snores loudly once. He falls to the ground and snores loudly again. Squidward claps repeatedly over SpongeBob as SpongeBob does not wake up and continues snoring loudly. He mumbles "and a-" softly and then snores loudly once more.]
• Squidward: Good night, sweet prince, and hello, stardom for yours truly. [laughs evilly; The scene now focuses at the auditorium, where dance auditions are being held.]
• Twin sisters: [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly. [hug each other]
• Agent fish: [as she claps her hands] That was very cute, girls. [the little girls both gasp with excitement] In fact, it's too cute. You're out. [points behind her]
• Twin sisters: [talking simultaneously as they walk down the stairs] I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too!
• Agent fish: [looks at her clipboard] Let's see who's next. Hmm... [mumbles] SpongeBob SquarePants. Oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! [looks behind her in the empty auditorium] SpongeBob?! I guess he's not here. It's too bad, he was good. But who could replace a dancer of such high-caliber?
• Squidward: [now in the auditorium] Only the best dancer in Bikini Bottom.
• Agent fish: Really? [points to herself] Well, I'll be the judge of that.
• Squidward: [starts laughing and then jumps on the stage] Observe a true master at work. [starts doing a dance where he only swings his legs back and forth, then stops.]
• Agent fish: Oh, sweet sassafras! Do mine eyes deceive me? That was the greatest routine since the greatest thing since sliced bread dancing routine! [gets on the stage] Congratulations! [shakes Squidward's hand] You got the gig!
• Squidward: Oh, baby, I knew it! [puts his hands on her shoulders] You won't be sorry you made this decision.
• Agent fish: I don't think you'll be sorry either, because you'll be dancing in... [we see Squilliam] ...Squilliam's show!
• Squidward: [studders] Squ--Squ--Squ--Squ--Squ--Squ--Squ--Squidawa!
• Squilliam: Well, don't just stand there! Get the sand out of your leotard and dance for me, nitwit. [we see Squidward for a moment looking around. Squilliam taps his baton a few times and then picks up a boom box. He starts playing it.] Dance! [Squidward starts dancing to upbeat ukulele music for a few seconds before getting smacked in the face with a glove] Not like that, kelp for brains! You call that dancing? Do it like this! [puts his hands together] Here I go! [does the exact dance as SpongeBob did at the beginning of the episode] Who put you on the planet? Ugh! Now, do it exactly as I did, and don't stop till you get it right! [touches Squidward's nose] And I don't care how long it takes! [starts dancing the dance that Squilliam and SpongeBob did. We see SpongeBob now seated in the auditorium with Patrick]
• SpongeBob: [puts his elbow on him] I was up for that part. [drinks his drink and Patrick eats his popcorn. Cuts to black, episode ends]