This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "House Fancy" from season 6, which aired on June 6, 2008.

• [The episode starts at Squidward's house. Squidward is humming to his favorite real estate show, the "House Fancy" theme song while doing these activities. He places some tea on the table in front of his couch, then gets a stack of cookies, then picks up the remote, then fluffs both of his pillows, then sits down and turns on the TV. A square and a triangle are moving around, Squidward sips his tea, then the shapes turn into a house. A bird flies on the house, and a sound bubble comes out of his mouth that says "House Fancy." A rainbow and a chimney appears on the house, then the scene opens like a door, revealing Nicholas "Nick" Withers.]
• Nick: Hello, and welcome one and all, to a super special episode of House Fancy. I'm your host, Nicholas Withers. [Nicholas Withers appears on the screen] Our first, very special guest on today's show will be none other than... [Squidward's phone rings]
• Squidward: Oh. [Squidward walks up to the phone. Then says hello's] Hello. Hello. Uh... [picks up the phone, and says it in a sweet voice] Hellooo!
• Squilliam: Hellooo!
• Squidward: [gasps] This isn't Squilliam Fancyson, my life long rival who I met in high school band class, is it?
• Squilliam: The same. You wouldn't happen to be watching House Fancy, would you?
• Squidward: I was, until you called.
• Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, I enjoy our chats, but my catered lunch awaits. And you know how hard being fabulous is on an empty stomach! [laughs]
• Squidward: Wait, why did you ask me if I was watching House Fancy?
• Nick: [heard through phone] Sorry, Squilliam, but we've gotta get back to the show.
• Squidward: Who's that talking in the background?
• Squilliam: Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, Nicky dear. Well, toodle loo, Squidward. [it is revealed that he is on the program] Enjoy the program.
• Nick: Okay, folks, we'll be right back after these important messages. [Squidward drops his tea cup. Scene then cuts to Nick and Squilliam] Welcome back to House Fancy. I'm Nicholas Withers. Here next to me is Squilliam Fancyson.
• Squilliam: Hello, peasants. [Squidward is angry]
• Nick: Let me start by saying what a lovely facade you have, Mr. Fancyson.
• Squilliam: Why, thank you, Nick.
• Nick: And your house doesn't look too bad either. [both laugh]
• Squilliam: Oh, Nicky.
• Nick: Camera crew, can we get a shot of Mr. Fancyson's fabulous house, please? [zooms out, revealing that it looks like Squidward's house]
• Squidward: Hey, that's no better than my house! [goes up, revealing that it is much larger than Squidward's house. Cut to the inside of his house]
• Squilliam: I bid you welcome, to my foyer.
• Nick: It's simply glorious!
• Squidward: [mocking] It's simply glorious!
• Squilliam: It truly is, Nicky.
• Nick: It's like I've died and gone to fancy heaven! [scene cuts to the opening background. The bird's head gets replaces the "O," then cuts back to Squilliam's house] Is that what I think it is?
• Squilliam: It sure is! It's a gilded door knob.
• Nick: Absolutely magical!
• Squilliam: Absolutely imported.
• Nick: May I?
• Squilliam: But, of course. [Nick turns it]
• Nick: Ohhh... Lovely.
• Squilliam: Isn't it?
• Nick: Well, I have to say, Squilliam, and I think that I'm speaking for all of our viewers out there when I'm saying this. You, are truly a fancy man.
• Squilliam: Well, all this gushing is perfectly deserved. [Squidward is mad] And now, I would like to present to you my most favorite room in the house. [Squilliam opens the door, revealing the bathroom] It's all custom. Ah, look at this, it's my jewel-encrusted toilet paper holder.
• Nick: Such class! [Squidward is even more angrier, then some houses turn into the title, then cuts to Nick and Squilliam]
• Squilliam: Come, let me show you the roof!
• Nick: An elevator?
• Squilliam: Watch your step. [Squilliam opens the elevator, then they step inside, and press the button that says "Roof"] This may take a while. Just sit back and relax. [water fills some of the elevator]
• Nick: What the!? A whirlpool bath elevator?
• Squilliam: I brought some soap. [Pours out soap. They then get to the roof] All ashore. Welcome to my rooftop garden! Romantic grotto, sparkling berry mineral soda waterfall, and my personal favorite, a 130-foot-long sculpture of my unibrow!
• Nick: It's huge, and... lifelike!
• Squilliam: If you look closely, you'll notice it's made entirely out of gilded doorknobs. [Closes in on the sculpture]
• Nick: You have the fanciest... [phone rings]
• Squilliam: Eh, what?
• Nick: You have the fanciest... [phone rings again]
• Squilliam: I have the fanciest ring? [rings again]
• Nick: No, your phone is ringing.
• Squilliam: Oh. [walks up to phone, and picks it up] [in happy sing song voice] Hello? Oh, yeah, hang on. [talking to Nick] Uh, it's for you.
• Nick: Hello. Hello. [talks on phone] Hello. [cuts back to Squidward]
• Squidward: Hello, my name is Squidward Tentacles, and my house is far fancier than that slob Squilliam's!
• Nick: Really?
• Squidward: Really!
• Nick: Okay, we'll be at your house in two hours with a camera crew. [hangs up]
• Squidward: [shocked] Two hours? But I haven't even had time to wash my hair. [screams] There's a stain on the rug! I'll just use this chair to hide it. There we go. Now I'll just... [screams again] There's a hideous hole in the wall! I'll just use this painting to cover it up. Perfect. [screams again, because there is a faded spot where the painting was] Oh, no! [looks at the time] Oh, I'll never get this place in shape in time! [notices SpongeBob in the window, who quickly disappears. Squidward runs to the window] SpongeBob! How long have you been spying on me?
• SpongeBob: Umm... What day is it today?
• Squidward: It's the day you go away and never come back.
• SpongeBob: But, Squidward, if I do that, then how am I going to help you get your house ready for the big TV show?
• Squidward: How did you know about that?
• SpongeBob: I was spying on you.
• Squidward: Do you want me to get the cops down here again? Because... [looks at the time again, then sighs] All right, fine. But one slip up and you are out of here! Comprendo? [SpongeBob is behind him]
• SpongeBob: Mucho comprendo, Señor Habanero! [Cuts to later]
• Squidward: All right. First, I'm going to give you something so simple, a person without a brain could even get it done right.
• SpongeBob: Whoo, that's good, 'cause I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend.
• Squidward: Really?
• SpongeBob: No, not really... He traded me these two chocolate bars for it.
• Squidward: I don't care! Just use this paint to cover up that faded part on the wall right there. Don't touch anything else!
• SpongeBob: Okay. [SpongeBob picks up the brush, then throws it away and absorbs the paint, then splatters the paint around]
• Squidward: SpongeBob, what was that noise? [screams] Skin me alive and drench me in boiling oil! What have you done to my living room?! I told you just to paint the faded spot!
• SpongeBob: Well, it all looked kinda faded. [Squidward hisses, then looks at the clock again]
• Squidward: Never mind! Maybe it won't show up on camera. Here, help me move this sofa.
• SpongeBob: You got it, Squiddy. Where are we moving her to?
• Squidward: Hang on, I'm trying to get the grip on the thing. Now don't move it till I say... [SpongeBob moves it on his foot and he screams in pain] Okay, it's on my foot. Now don't... [SpongeBob moves it again, causing him to scream again]
• SpongeBob: Okay. [moves it again, ripping off Squidward's toenail]
• Squidward: [screams] SpongeBob, I told you not to move it until I say... [SpongeBob drops it on his foot and he screams again] Why do you keep moving it?
• SpongeBob: 'Cause you keep saying "ow!" [Squidward screams, and lifts it up]
• Squidward: I don't need you! I can move it myself. [slips on toenail, and trips]
• SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward, you're so strong! [there is a crash] And you split your sofa in half! It'll be really easy to move now. [doorbell rings]
• Squidward: Oh, no, they're already here! Go get a vacuum and clean up all the sofa bits. I've gotta run upstairs and dress my wound!
• SpongeBob: Roger! [SpongeBob walks on screen with a vacuum] Okay, Squidward, found the vacuum! Squidward? Well, I'll just vacuum for him. [starts vacuuming] Hmm, Squidward's house is really messy. I'm going to need some extra power. [SpongeBob struggles to flip the switch, but nothing happens, and the switch breaks causing him to fly backwards.. The vacuum goes haywire, and vacuums up a rug, a plant, a sculpture of Squidward, then the sofa, then the book case, and then everything else making it's bag increase in size every time.]
• Squidward: Okay, SpongeBob, I finished... What the? [everything in Squidward's house is in the vacuum, which looks as if it's about to explode]
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward! I'll turn it off. [SpongeBob tries to turn it off, but then gets sucked in]
• Squidward: Come out of there. [doorbell rings again] Uh, hang on, please. [Squidward tries to push the bag, and the door bell rings again] Please, just one more minute, Nick! [door opens, and it's Patrick]
• Patrick: Who's Nick? Sorry, Squidward. I couldn't wait any longer, I've gotta use your toilet. No questions! Thanks. [Patrick runs into the bathroom. We hear him groan, then the toilet flushes, then he comes out] Phew! I wouldn't go in there for a couple days. Or weeks. [He leaves the house. Squidward's toilet comes out of his bathroom groaning]
• Squidward's toilet: Please, please, somebody put me out of my misery! [toilet jumps into Squidward's hands, coughing] Have mercy on my soul...! [toilet dies, then Patrick opens the door again]
• Patrick: Oh, hey, Squidward, if you see SpongeBob, can you give him his brain back? I was borrowing it for the weekend. I'll just set it, uh... here. [Patrick puts his brain on the floor] See ya! [walks away, and the vacuum then sucks it up. SpongeBob is eating the chocolate bar]
• SpongeBob: Thank you, Patrick! [The ground shakes and the vacuum says that it's on full capacity]
• Squidward: Oh, no! [The vacuums bag starts expanding in size uncontrollably and starts crushing Squidward. The vacuum then explodes and destroys Squidward's house. Scene then cuts to the House Fancy background, then to Nick]
• Nick: Hello, and welcome back to House Fancy. We're arriving at the home of Mr. Squidward Tentacles, who claims his house is far fancier than that of Squilliam Fancyson. Let's take a look. [both are shocked because of Squidward's house] Well, I, I, I... I'm not quite sure how to say this...
• Squilliam: Go ahead, say it.
• Nick: Squidward Tentacles, you seem to have ushered in an entire new era in house fanciness!
• Squilliam: Huh?
• Squidward: I have-... I have?
• Nick: What you have done here hearkens back to the illustrious post-primitive movement popularized by famous designer Saul Limpkins. Say, was he a big inspiration for you?
• Squidward: Why, yes. I've studied him for... years! [Squilliam gulps]
• Nick: I would like to announce, that Squidward's house will be featured in an hour long, commercial free House Fancy special, and Squidward will be crowned House Fancy prince of the year! An honor which was originally to be bestowed upon Squilliam, but now isn't. [Squilliam falls]
• Squidward: Yay! [Squilliam starts crying]
• SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry, Squilliam, I might be able to get Squidward to help you redecorate. He is a personal friend of mine. You know success hasn't gone to his head? He is still the same old great guy, he has not changed. [Squilliam cries harder]