This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Greasy Buffoons" from season 7, which aired on November 27, 2009.

• [Episode starts in the Krusty Krab with Squidward taking Frankie Billy's order]
• Squidward: [sighs] And did you want kelp fries with that?
• Incidental 107: Uhh...
• Squidward: [gives SpongeBob a order] SpongeBob, order... [SpongeBob stretches his hand out, and gets the order] ...up.
• SpongeBob: [is reading order] One double Krabby Patty with everything on it, one order of kelp fries, one... [looks confused at order] Squidward, what size of kelp fries are these?
• Incidental 107: Uhh...
• Squidward: Medium.
• SpongeBob: Comin' right up! [SpongeBob rubs the order ticket on Squidward's head then disappears to the kitchen. Cooks the patty with steam rising up as SpongeBob brings the kelp fries. Brings the order but SpongeBob slips in a puddle of grease, the order flies into Frankie's face]
• Incidental 107: Now that's what I call fast food! [eats on his way out]
• Mr. Krabs: [walks by] Squidward! What's all the hubberub? [Squidward's blank look] SpongeBob! What's all the hubberub?
• SpongeBob: Uh.. I'm not sure Mr. Krabs. I was bringing the customer's order, and then I slipped and fell in this grease slick. I think I may be hurt real bad.
• Mr. Krabs: Grease slick, eh? [opens the shaft door]
• SpongeBob: Ooh... what is it?
• Mr. Krabs: That, me boy, is a grease trap.
• SpongeBob: Kinda looks like nobody has cleaned out the trap for awhile.
• Mr. Krabs: You know, SpongeBob, you're right. But, that's a big job. A job that only 2 volunteer employees could do for no extra pay. [Squidward disappears]
• SpongeBob: Yeah!
• [Cut to nightfall. A tanker truck is parked outside the Krusty Krab with a tube connected to the grease trap]
• Mr. Krabs: Hmm... Nothing's coming out.
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs. Can I see that? Saw this in a movie once. [sucks the tube in order to get the grease out but nothing come out] mmm... Yeah maybe i wasn't doing it right. [grease spews out onto Mr. Krabs' face] Oh never mind! I was. [fills up the tank] Yeah.. Nothing like a long night siphoning grease to put some hair on your chest, Eh? Mr. Krabs?
• Mr. Krabs: What?
• SpongeBob: Well Now we got the ol' grease trap cleaned out, what do you think we should do with all this excess grease?
• Mr. Krabs: Hmm.
• [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs sitting next to SpongeBob, who is driving a tanker truck filled with grease]
• Mr. Krabs: Right behind there. [SpongeBob pulls up behind Chum Bucket, presses ‘SPILL’ button, and grease spills out] Alright. Let's get out of here! [SpongeBob drives away]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, are you sure that was... legal?
• Mr. Krabs: [elongated] Legal?
• SpongeBob: Yeah, legal.
• Mr. Krabs: Hmm..
• [scene cuts to the front of the Chum Bucket and then behind it. Door with ‘DO NOT ENTER’ sign opens and Plankton walks out, humming, and carrying a garbage can]
• Plankton: [slipping on grease] Wyaagh! [Plankton falls on greasy ground] What the? [Trash can falls, scaring Plankton] This is the most bizarre precipitation I've ever slipped and fallen in. [sniffs grease] Eeeaugh! It reeks! [tastes grease] But it tastes delicious! [looks at greasy ground] Darn it, I almost had an idea! [sits and sulks] Oh, I do. I do have an idea! [maniacal laughing]!
• Karen: Plankton!
• Plankton: Coming dear.
• [there is a long line going to Chum Bucket and Mr. Krabs is behind it from Krusty Krab's window.]
• Mr. Krabs: Somethin' is terribly wrong, Squidward!
• Squidward: And it's taken you this long to figure that out?
• Mr. Krabs: Plankton has had a line of customers... all mornin'!
• Squidward: So?
• Mr. Krabs: So I'm gonna go find [slaps fist in hand] out what that rascal's up to! [goes to Chum Bucket] Excuse me! Excuse me! Comin' through! [walks by three chewing fish. Stops by the sign] What the? [puts on reading glasses] Try Plankton's... new delicerous... Chummy Patties... now with edible flavor? [sniffs air] Clearly somethin' crabby is goin' on here.
• Plankton: [in Chum Bucket] Next Chumstomer, please. [sees Mr. Krabs and is a little surprised] Well, well, Eugene Krabs!
• Mr. Krabs: Save the formalities for your mother-in-law, Plankton! Yeh stole my Krabby Patty Formuler, and I want it back!
• Plankton: Oh, sorry to disappoint, Krabs, but I've done no such thing. I'm simply using a gift somebody left me to make my chum taste good.
• Mr. Krabs: A gift?
• Plankton: Sheh! It's almost as if I had a personal visit from the Flavor Fairy!
• Mr. Krabs: [stunned, but then a little aggravated] Be that as it may, Plankton! It takes two to tango.
• Plankton: Wha?
• [scene cuts to Krusty Krab's kitchen]
• Mr. Krabs: [opens door] SpongeBob! Stop what you're doing!
• SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, I'm not doing anything!
• Mr. Krabs: Never mind that now, I've got some new directions for yeh. From now on, I want you to fry up [pulls two patties from behind back] two patties for every Krabby Patty we sell! [drops one patty on grill] One for the patty itself, and the [drops second patty on grill] second, just for the grease! Then, [picks up second patty and starts scraping it of with spatula] slather the grease from the second patty onto the first one and [tosses second patty away] Voalora! It's a deluxe Krabby Patty with extra flavor! [SpongeBob burns eye from grease coming on it]
• SpongeBob: [holding eye] Mr. Krabs, do you think it might be kinda... unhealthy to be feeding people all this grease?
• Mr. Krabs: Unhealthy? Boy, didn't anyone ever tell yeh?
• SpongeBob: Tell me what?
• Mr. Krabs: Questions are a danger to you... [holds out spatula] and a burden to others. [hands SpongeBob's spatula and walks away]
• Mr. Krabs: Lil' lower! Lil' more! More! Lil' more! Okay, a little to the left now! Up a bit! Okay wait, that's too far. Alright, alright, perfect, right there!
• Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I hope whatever you're yelling about is something more important than my mid-morning nap!
• Mr. Krabs: Just hangin' a new sign, Squidward! [worker unveils sign that says ‘Now Serving! DELUXE Krabby Patties!’]
• Squidward: Deluxe Krabby Patties. [in sarcasm] Juuust what the world needed.
• Mr. Krabs: Shh! Okay, a little higher now!
• [scene cuts to the front of the Chum Bucket]
• Incidental 40: Hey, look at that!
• Incidental 41: What?
• Incidental 40: There! Right up there!
• Incidental 41: Where? I don't see anything!
• Incidental 40: A little to the right...
• Incidental 41: Okay, I see it!
• Incidental 40: [to crowd] There's an new sign up at the Krusty Krab! It says they're serving something called a Deluxe Krabby Patty!
• Incidental 41: That sounds delicious!
• Incidental 40: You're telling me, I'm gonna try one! [runs to the Krusty Krab and then whole line of fish runs to Krusty Krab]
• Plankton: Next Chumstomer in line, please! [zoom out of empty Chum Bucket] Hello? [seat falls over]
• [scene starts in Krusty Krab, and the screen darts to the right]
• cidental 107: These are delicious!
• Rechid: Right! I can't imagine what makes them taste so good! [bites into deluxe Krabby Patty]
• [we see huge eye]
• Plankton: [puts down telescope] Well, well, well, now I actually do see what Krabs meant when he said two could play that game. But he's a bigger fool than he realizes if he thinks old Plankton is gonna take this one lying down! [looks down, and stands up] Uhhh... Meh.
• Harold: Man am I stuffed!
• Dave: Me, too! But that Deluxe Krabby Patty was so swimmin' good, I'm gonna get another one!
• Harold: Sounds like a plan!
• Nat: Hold it, what's that sign say?
• Dave: It looks like it says, "NEW: ULTRA CHUMMY PATTIES PACKED WITH QUADRUPLE GRILLED GOODNESS!" [all three fish look at each other, then get out of their tables and run to Chum Bucket]
• [there is a long line at Chum Bucket, and the scene darts to the right, with Mr. Krabs standing in front of Krusty Krab]
• Mr. Krabs: Quadruple goodness?! [mumbles] We'll see about that. [in the Krusty Krab, we see SpongeBob, sweating and cooking Krabby Patties] Keep the grill goin' nonstop to crank out as much grease as possible!
• SpongeBob: Okay, Mr. Krabs. I never turn the grill off, but I can turn it off even less than that if you want.
• Mr. Krabs: Uhh... I already see ehat the... [slips on grease] Whoa! [clattering sound] Mermaid's mollusk! [picks up greasy bun] Eeeagh! What in the name of Neptune is this?
• SpongeBob: Sorry Mr. Krabs. I accidentally dropped some buns into our vat of extra grease. They've been soakin' there for about an hour. [Eugene smiles]
• [sign outside the Krusty Krab that says: "New! Yummy Bunz over an Hour of flavor in every bun"]
• Plankton: Yummy Bunz, huh? Well you're gonna have to try a lot harder than that Krabs, once the hungry public hears about my newest creation.
• Karen: Creation? My scanner shows that's nothing more than a burnt grease crumb.
• Plankton: You're right, and it's packed with flavor!
• [cut to a sign outside the Chum Bucket that says "Crispity Crunchities Fried grease crumbs packed with flavor." Cut again to the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs walks by Squidward with pure grease on a plate]
• Squidward: P.U, Mr. Krabs!
• Mr. Krabs: Huh?
• Squidward: Don't you usually flush that stuff down the toilet?
• Mr. Krabs: This is our latest product! It's pure grease on a paper plate!
• Squidward: I'll give you points for honesty.
• [cut to a sign that says, "New! Wow! Soup only at Krusty Krab." Cut again to SpongeBob in the kitchen preparing some soup]
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Get those seven orders of Wow soup out to table 3 pronto! We gotta keep these customers happy or Plankton will steal them back!
• [SpongeBob walks out with the soup to find that the entire Krusty Krab is covered in grease and the customers look horrible. Dave walks by SpongeBob covered in grease.]
• Incidental 42: Are you going to eat that?
• SpongeBob: It was supposed to be going to table 3.
• Incidental 42: Okay.
• Mr. Krabs: [startles SpongeBob] SpongeBob! [SpongeBob flips the plate over and the grease lands back on the plate]
• SpongeBob: Sir yes sir!
• Mr. Krabs: Are you gonna get that soup served to table 3 or are you gonna wait til it gets up and walks there itself?
• SpongeBob: Actually, Mr. Krabs, I've been thinking. And well, don't you think maybe this whole grease thing has gone a bit too far? [Mr. Krabs laughs]
• Mr. Krabs: You know what I think SpongeBob? I think you should be thinking about not thinking and get back to work! [Patrick stumbles in fat and grease-covered]
• Patrick: Gotta... Have... Crunchity... Munchities... [Patrick falls over and SpongeBob runs to his side]
• SpongeBob: Patrick! Oh no! Not my best friend, too! [He gets an assertive look on his face. Cut to a health inspector riding in on the truck. He finds the entire area is covered in grease.]
• Mr. Krabs: [gasp] Oh no! Did somebody call the health inspector?!
• Plankton: Oh no! Did somebody call the health inspector?
• Health inspector: Did somebody call a... health inspector?
• SpongeBob: [comes over] It was me, sir. I just wanted to tell you that... Well, for the past two weeks, Plankton and Mr. Krabs have been... [short pause] they've been feeding people grea -- He's cut off as Mr. Krabs picks him up and throws him inside a trash can in an attempt to shut him up; he pops out] They've been feeding people -- [Plankton closes the lid]
• Health inspector: What's going on here?
• Mr. Krabs: Nothing, Mr. Inspector.
• SpongeBob: [pops out of trash can] They've been feeding people -- [Mr. Krabs kicks SpongeBob away]
• Plankton: Just a friendly competition between old...
• Mr. Krabs and Plankton: F-f-f-f-f-
• Plankton: Friends?
• Mr. Krabs: Friends, right.
• SpongeBob: [rolls off the cliff and speaks out loud] They're feeding people grease!
• Health inspector: [despite the distance his words are heard, as Plankton and Mr. Krabs frown at being exposed.] Well! I thought I recognized this horrible stench, but I thought that maybe just one of you two hadn't showered in a while.
• Plankton: Uh, Officer! Officer, I would just like to state for the record that umm, [points to Mr. Krabs] this was all his idea! All of it!
• Health inspector: Oh, really? Well, in that case, you'll be happy to know I'll be ordering both your restaurants to be closed down until the two of you slime balls can clean up your act! [climbs in his truck] Good day. [as he leaves, he gets grease all over Mr. Krabs and Plankton]
• Plankton: Well, I'm taking a bath. [he walks off as SpongeBob walks in with his hat in his hands and a sad look on his face]
• Mr. Krabs: I guess this is it, boy. The end of an era.
• SpongeBob: No, it's not the end, Mr. Krabs.
• Mr. Krabs: It is, unless I can find a way to get this grease soaked up. [SpongeBob gets an idea]
• SpongeBob: Wait a minute. Did you say soaked up?
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, what difference does it make?
• SpongeBob: [with a giddy look on his face] You'll see!
• [cut to Mr. Krabs sleeping in front of the Krusty Krab. He wakes up to find the grease gone]
• Mr. Krabs: Ah. It was all a dream! [SpongeBob appears full of grease]
• SpongeBob: No it wasn't, Mr. Krabs! I soaked up all the offending substances from the surrounding area and I'm gonna go dispose of them properly. The Krusty Krab is grease free! [Patrick, who is fully recovered, runs up to him and sees that he's full of grease and he starts licking him] Patrick, no! [he ignores this and licks his hand]
• Patrick: Mmm. Crunchity Munchities!
• SpongeBob: Stop it! Stop it! Go away! No! No! [runs away with Patrick in tow. Mr. Krabs has a look on his face]