This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Bottle Burglars" from season 11, which aired on April 13, 2018.

• [The episode begins at the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob and Squidward are cleaning Mr. Krabs' office.]
• SpongeBob: [being used as a scrub brush to clean the window] Ooh— [gasps] Ooh— [gasps] Yeah! Don't you just love cleaning day?
• Squidward: [wrings SpongeBob in the mop bucket] We're so lucky.
• SpongeBob: Aww. Mr. Krabs' first dollar. [sprays the picture frame, pulls his face off and scrubs it clean before putting it back on; however, the dollar is reduced to two quarters] Whaa? [he sprays the picture frame again and scrubs it clean with his head; this time, it reduced into a penny] Huh? [he sprays the picture frame again and scrubs it clean with his back; this time, the picture frame is completely blank; SpongeBob takes out a dollar, licks it and pastes it onto the picture frame]
• Mr. Krabs: Don't forget to clean the safe, boys. And keep your eyes on the Krabby Patty secret formula! [leaves]
• Squidward: Hey, we need the combination!
• SpongeBob: I got it covered. [turns the lock, goes to open it, but breaks his arm]
• Squidward: Nyah!
• SpongeBob: [hums as he pulls a piece of rolled-up paper from his broken arm] Doink! [snaps his arm back in place and chuckles as he reads the paper before turning the lock] Mm. Mm-hmm. [opens the safe] Voilà!
• Squidward: [garbage falls out from the safe] Ahh—ooh! [pops out from the garbage]
• SpongeBob: See? This is fun!
• [Meanwhile, outside the Krusty Krab, Plankton is once again devising his latest scheme to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula.]
• Plankton: [laughs and holds out a strange helmet] Krabs will never see me coming! Presso-inviso! [pushes the button on the helmet and his body turns invisible; he hums as he walks to the restaurant, but trips over] Ahh! Can't see my own feet.
• [Back in the restaurant, SpongeBob is taking care of the secret formula like he's caring an infant.]
• SpongeBob: [wraps a diaper around the bottle] Mm-hmm. [hums as puts the formula on a blanket and gives it a teddy bear and a baby bottle; then he wraps it with the blanket]Don't you go anywhere while I clean your homey-womey.
• [As SpongeBob dusts the safe, Squidward dumps trash in the trashcan with the secret formula still inside. He then goes to dump it out through the window.]
• Squidward: Out of sight...[Plankton laughs as he goes to the window] Out of my mind. [dumps the garbage on Plankton]
• Plankton: [pops out from the garbage] Hey, watch it! [he sees the formula next to him and blubbers in surprise] Hommina—wah? The secret formula! Must be one of Krabs' tricks. [grabs the formula and makes a run for it] He'll pop out any second now. [stops in front of the Chum Bucket] Well?! [silence] Nothing. All right. [turns around and heads back in the Chum Bucket] I really did it! [goes to the kitchen where Karen is mixing chum with the grinder] Hey, Karen, guess what?! I finally got the Krabby Patty secret formula! How do you like me now?
• Karen: [scans the bottle until her screen says, "Secret Formula equals Genuine"] It's genuine. Come here, you big hunk of aquatic organism! Ooh, I knew you could do it![hugs Plankton and kisses him] Just don't blow it this time.
• [Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is finishing up cleaning the office. He notices the Krabby Patty formula is gone from the trashcan.]
• SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! Ahh! [looks all over the office] Hey, Squidward, have you seen the Krabby Patty secret formula? [lifts the desk and drops it] Ohh! [pulls out from underneath] I put it right here in this circular file cabinet.
• Squidward: That's a trash can, you nitwit. [SpongeBob looks at the item closer while Squidward sits back but suddenly what SpongeBob just said gets scared] The formula?! [cuts to them looking for the formula outside] Face it, SpongeBob. [gets trash thrown in his face] The formula—
• SpongeBob: Don't say it!
• Squidward: Is gone.
• SpongeBob: [teary-eyed] Oh, I asked you not to say it... [unscrews his eyeballs and cries a fountain of tears] Why would you ever do that?
• Squidward: [comforts SpongeBob] Come on. [throws him in through the window; cuts to them back in the office] Now let's see if the security cameras picked anything up. [pushes the button under Mr. Krabs' desk and a keyboard comes out] Hmm. [types on the keyboard and turns on the television while SpongeBob gasps in amazement]
• Patrick: [on screen as he opens a trash can] Hi! I like to order—hmm—half a Krabby Patty, please! [digs in the trash can and pulls out a half-eaten Krabby Patty] Oh, thank you. [laughs then eats it]
• [SpongeBob giggles and Squidward types on the keyboard to go to another footage. The footage shows Bubble Bass reading a Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic book while eating a Krabby Patty. Squidward pans out the footage, only to show that Bubble Bass is doing all this on the toilet in the bathroom. SpongeBob and Squidward both exclaim and groan in disgust. Squidward types on the keyboard and goes to the next footage. The footage shows the Krabby Patty formula outside the Krusty Krab.]
• SpongeBob: Ah! It's alive!
• Squidward: Hold on. [types the keyboard and zooms in on the footage to reveal Plankton holding the formula] Plankton?!
• SpongeBob: Ahh! [his face falls off his body and falls over; he gasps] What are we gonna do?
• Squidward: [grabs SpongeBob and breathes in and out of him like he's a paper bag.] Okay. All right. We'll just pretend everything's normal until closing time. Then we'll steal the formula back from Plankton! Yeah!
• [Back at the Chum Bucket, Plankton is struggling to remove the cork from the bottle in hopes of reading the formula.]
• Plankton: Come on! Open up! [tries to open it with his teeth but fails] Ahh! [tries to saw it open and stomp on it, but they also fail; posing as a genie from "Spin the Bottle"] Open Sesame? [tries to burn it with a flamethrower, but it also fails as he ends up getting burned himself; he tries to blow it up with explosives, but it also fails as they blew up part of the Chum Bucket] It's no use, Karen. It won't budge.
• Karen: Of course not, Einstein, it has a time lock. [points to time lock on the cork] It won't open until tomorrow morning.
• Plankton: Well, I've waited this long. [opens the safe and puts the formula in it] What's a few more [closes the safe and talks loudly] excruciatingly long [calmly] hours? [turns the lock]
• [It is now nighttime at the Krusty Krab and Mr. Krabs is locking the doors.]
• SpongeBob: [nervously] Night, Mr. Krabs. Sleep tight.
• Squidward: [nervously] Don't let the bed urchins bite.
• Mr. Krabs: Eh, sure. You, too, you two. [climbs in his boat and drives away home while SpongeBob and Squidward laugh nervously as they wave good-bye]
• Squidward: Okay, let's go get that formula.
• SpongeBob: Ooh, we are gonna pull [imitates Plankton] a Plankton on Plankton! [laughs]
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward sneaking behind the Chum Bucket. Squidward goes to the front doors, but a meow sound startles him.]
• Squidward: Nyah! Whaa?
• SpongeBob: [appears in a cat costume] Sorry. [laughs] Stepped on my tail.
• Squidward: What are you wearing?
• SpongeBob: I'm a cat burglar! [purrs and meows around Squidward and stops] Okay, I'll change. [rips off his cat costume]
• [SpongeBob and Squidward go to the front doors. Squidward attempts to push them open, but it is locked.]
• SpongeBob: Hang on. [slips in underneath] Ooh.
• Squidward: And just how am I supposed to get in? [SpongeBob grabs him by the legs and pulls him in underneath, accidentally ripping his eyes out] Ooh! [grumbles as he grabs his eyes and puts them back on his face]
• [SpongeBob peaks through the sewer lid and sees nothing around. He pops out and slides behind the Chum Bucket's menu. He slithers down from the wall, leaving two dents on his body. He and Squidward hide under a table. Squidward bashes SpongeBob on the nose to straighten his head out. Plankton is seen watching a scary old movie.]
• TV Monster: [growls]
• TV Actress: Ahh!
• Plankton: [slurps on soda and eats some popcorn] Yeah, yeah, now eat her brain! [sighs] I love a good romance. [turns off the TV and yawns]
• [Plankton hops off his chair while SpongeBob and Squidward hide under the table. Plankton scratches himself and goes into the bathroom. SpongeBob and Squidward follow him. Plankton flosses his teeth with his antenna. His machine brushes his teeth and pours mouth wash in Plankton's mouth. Plankton gargles the mouth wash and swooshes it up in his mouth. His machine places a hair curler on his antennas. He spits the mouth wash in a cup the machine is holding for him. Plankton dips his eyeball in the mouth wash, causing it to burn. The machine sprays eye drops in his eyeball to make it feel better. SpongeBob and Squidward made it to the bathroom where they almost got caught as Plankton exits through the small door. Plankton goes to the elevator and goes up.]
• SpongeBob and Squidward: Phew.
• Plankton: [exits the elevator] Good night, honey. [blow kisses to Karen]
• [Karen snores as she sleeps in her bed. Plankton hops onto his bed, claps his hands to turn off the lights and goes to sleep. SpongeBob sneaks into the bedroom through the doorknob. He slithers past Karen and goes to check on Plankton.]
• Squidward: [whispering] What are you doing?
• SpongeBob: Making sure he's asleep.
• [SpongeBob opens Plankton's eyelid and sees his eyeball snoring. SpongeBob gives Squidward a thumbs up, letting him know that Plankton is sound asleep. Squidward groans. The screen cuts to SpongeBob and Squidward tiptoeing all over the laboratory as they search for the formula. SpongeBob's pants and torso walk off, leaving SpongeBob's head and arms in tact in midair. SpongeBob hears a growling noise.]
• SpongeBob: Yeesh! [runs over to Squidward as he torso and upper body reattach themselves] Squidward!
• [SpongeBob and Squidward scream as a monstrous shadow roars at them. They run around in panic until something pounces onto Squidward. It was Plankton's pet amoeba, Spot.]
• SpongeBob: Aww, it's Plankton's little pet, Spot. He wants to play!
• Squidward: [Spot is licking him all over] Will you get him off of me?! [tries to shake Spot off his legs]
• SpongeBob: Hmm. Ahh! [grabs a fuel rod, which zaps his body as his skeleton is shown, and whistles] Get the stick, boy! [Spot sees the fuel rod and barks happily] Fetch! [throws the fuel rod and Spot goes after it through the front doors; SpongeBob then morphs into a hand and locks the doors shut]
• Squidward: Look out!
• [A sleepy Karen rolls in behind SpongeBob.]
• Karen: Diodes... zebras... Make a new batch of chum...[snores]
• SpongeBob: It's okay. She's in sleep mode.
• Karen: Oh, dear, the chum is escaping. [grabs SpongeBob and Squidward, stuffs them in the chum grinder and grinds them both into chum; she snores as she rolls away]
• [SpongeBob and Squidward, now grinded up into a pile of chum, slithers away. Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward hiding in empty toxic waste cans and rolling themselves over to the safe where Plankton is keeping the formula. They pop out of the cans and walk over to the safe.]
• Squidward: This must be it.
• [SpongeBob pushes the buttons on the doors. The alarm goes off and an electric eye looks down on them.]
• Electric eye: Remain still for retina scan.
• Squidward: Now what'll we do?
• SpongeBob: Good thing I brought this! [pulls out a criminal picture of Plankton] They really captured the cute little dimple on his chin.
• Squidward: Looks like they captured the rest of him too!
• [The electric eye scans the picture and approved it. The electric eye closes itself up and opens the doors. The safe is at the far end.]
• SpongeBob: Oh!
• Squidward: I'll take it from here. [pushes SpongeBob aside]
• SpongeBob: I'm fine.
• [Squidward goes for the safe, but he steps on a tile, setting off a booby trap. A giant boot squishes Squidward flat.]
• Squidward: You go first this time.
• SpongeBob: Hmm-mmph. [goes for the safe, but steps on a tile setting off another booby trap]
• [A hammer slams onto Squidward.]
• SpongeBob: You okay? [steps on another tile, setting off a third booby trap]
• Squidward: No! [gets incinerated by fire underneath him]
• [SpongeBob moves over to a different tile, but sets off another booby trap. A pair of robot arms gives Squidward a wedgie. SpongeBob runs around in panic, stepping on more tiles and setting off more booby traps. A bowling ball crushes Squidward's foot.]
• Squidward: Ow. [gets slapped in the face repeatedly by a robotic arm]
• SpongeBob: [stands on a tile and doesn't move as it sinks down into the floor] I'm standing still! I'm not even doing anything!
• [Squidward gets electrocuted by the electrical bolts. Then he gets crushed by a piano followed by a spiked-ball and a boat that resembles Titanic. Squidward is now reduced to liquid and slithers over to SpongeBob.]
• SpongeBob: Heh...sorry. [gathers Squidward up and puts him in a bucket.]
• [SpongeBob walks over to the safe and revives Squidward back into his normal form. He turns the lock on the safe.]
• SpongeBob: Ahh. [the safe opens to reveal the secret formula; he laughs] I can't believe that actually worked! [touches the bottle and the alarm goes off]
• [The tile below SpongeBob and Squidward sends them flying into a rocket. The rocket closes before the 3-2-1 countdown and blasts out from the Chum Bucket with a screaming SpongeBob and Squidward inside. The rocket crash lands in the back of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob and Squidward roll out from the rocket and are completely singed and injured. It is now dawn and Mr. Krabs drives up to the front doors. He goes to unlock the doors and sees SpongeBob and Squidward.]
• Mr. Krabs: Good morning, Krusty crew! Ready to cook up a new batch of Krabby Patties? Er...[sees SpongeBob and Squidward singed and injured] Why are you two smoldering?
• SpongeBob: We're sorry, Mr. Krabs!
• Squidward: [covers SpongeBob's mouth] No, he's delirious! He doesn't know what he's saying.
• SpongeBob: [pushes Squidward away] No! Mr. Krabs deserves the truth. We accidentally threw away the Krabby Patty formula and Plankton found it! We tried to steal it back, but we failed! [sobs]
• Mr. Krabs: [gets raging and smoke steams out of his eyestalks] You did what?! Plankton stole me formuler?!
• Squidward: [he and SpongeBob nod their heads] That's what he said. Yeah.
• Mr. Krabs: [calmly] Then I'll just have to steal it back. [walks over to the Chum Bucket] Hmm. Uh-huh. [punches a hole through the wall and grabs the secret formula from inside] Oh. [kisses the bottle] Don't worry. Papa's here.
• [The scene changes the next morning with the scallop making its rooster call to Bikini Bottom. Plankton, now awake, goes to the safe.]
• Plankton: Oh, yeah! [looks at himself with his pocket mirror] Who's the man? You are! Eh, man.
• [Plankton throws the mirror away. He turns the lock on the safe. He opens it and instead of the formula, it reveals Spot with the fuel rod barking happily at him. The hole behind Spot was the same hole Mr. Krabs made when he retrieved the formula. Spot jumps onto Plankton with the fuel rod and licks him while in doing so, zapping his body and showing his skeleton.]
• Plankton: No, no, no! [growls furiously] Krabs!
• [Bubble transition to daytime back at the Krusty Krab.]
• SpongeBob: [sighs] I'm sure glad the formula is back in the safe where it belongs, Mr. Krabs.
• Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Me, too, boy-o. And to make sure you two don't ever take your eyes off it again, I have a surprise for you.
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward being stuffed in the safe.]
• Mr. Krabs: You're me new security system. [closes the safe and laughs before he leaves]
• SpongeBob: Yay!
• Squidward: [frightened] Wait! I'm claustrophobic!
• [The episode irises out.]