Allergy Attack!/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Allergy Attack!" from season 13, which aired on October 30, 2023.

[The episode opens with an exterior shot of the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs is standing on a crate as a crowd is gathered around the establishment. Krabby Patty balloons are strung, and a banner that says "KAZILLION" is placed over the Krusty Krab.]
Crowd: [overlapping chatter]
Mr. Krabs: [as a news truck drives onto the scene] Come one, come all. [pulls down slide depicting SpongeBob with his spatula in front of a pile of Krabby Patties] Don't miss my expert fry cook, SpongeBob, cookin' his one kazillionth Krabby Patty. [lets go of slide, holds up cash register with white arrow] Entry fee is only five clams. [register opens to reveal money, arrow turns green]
Crowd: [cheers and applause]
Perch: [on mic] Perch Perkins here, live at the Krusty Krab, [opens Krusty Krab door, enters] bringing you the play-by-play on this momentous day! Whoa!
[Two spotlights shine on the kitchen door, and SpongeBob comes out in a pillar of smoke. He appears wearing a white cloak, which he takes off.]
Perch: [off-screen] The fry cook of the hour...
SpongeBob: [jogs in place, boxes hands, jogs in place again, catches breath]
Perch: [holding mic up to SpongeBob] Mr. SquarePants, [SpongeBob does jumping jacks] how do you feel?
SpongeBob: Oh, I can't believe it's really happening. This is the biggest day of my fry cook career!
Perch: [walking over to Bubble Bass] Let's meet the lucky customer who gets to eat the marvelous patty, Bubble Bas-- [Bubble Bass snatches his microphone] uh--
Bubble Bass: I'm sure the patty will be mediocre, but I must be first at everything.
Perch: [snatches microphone back] Give me that!
Squidward: Get a life, people. It's just a patty.
SpongeBob: [kisses Squidward on the forehead] Mwah, isn't it amazing, Squidward? If I'm making the kazillionth patty, then [pokes Squidward's forehead] you've written a kazillion orders.
Squidward: Ugh, [picks up pencil] don't remind me. [close-up shot of his throbbing tentacle]
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, [picks up SpongeBob] you're distractin' SpongeBob. [tosses SpongeBob into kitchen, walks away]
Perch: We now take you live to the Krusty Krab's kitchen [steps on Squidward, enters kitchen] for the main event.
Squidward: [groans, then screams as several customers crowd the register to watch SpongeBob]
Crowd member: Wow.
Other crowd member: Ooh.
SpongeBob: [stretching]
Perch: SpongeBob prepares himself for the task ahead. [vegetables fly into the air, then SpongeBob chops a tomato into jellyfish shapes] He's chopping the veggies like a [SpongeBob chops an onion into a crab shape] master sculptor. [SpongeBob stretches a bun] He's testing the bun's elasticity.
SpongeBob: Hmm. [flicks bun, making it wobble, then opens the freezer]
Perch: [off-screen] [SpongeBob eyes the frozen patties and picks one with a hammer and nail] He's picking a patty with the least amount of freezer burn.
Crowd: [off-screen, all oohing]
Perch: [in freezer, freezing] Look at it sparkle!
[SpongeBob throws the patty in the air, then puts it down on the grill.]
Perch: [off-screen] The patty is in play! [emerges beside the grill] I repeat, the patty is in [flutters upward] play! [SpongeBob twirls his spatula] What a fantastic display of fry cook skills.
Squidward: [emerging] Will you hurry it up already? [leaves]
SpongeBob: [flips the patty] Hmm? [spontaneously grows hives] Hmm? [scratches hives, patty bounces off spatula, screams, then tries balancing the patty] Whoa!
Perch: [off-screen] Hold on. SpongeBob seems distracted.
SpongeBob: Phew. [more rashes appear on his body] Uh. [sneezes, launching the patty onto the grill]
[SpongeBob sniffles, rubs his eye, and begins scratching himself. He then uses his spatula to scratch himself, which causes even more hives to appear. He scratches harder with the spatula, making him puff up and fall to the ground.]
Perch: [off-screen] Something's wrong, folks. [in a trash can, watching SpongeBob try to build the patty] The fry cook has broken out in some kind of rash.
SpongeBob: [holding a ketchup bottle and putting the patty together] Must fini--f--finish. [sneezes, squirting ketchup onto the patty, then sneezes again, spraying ketchup all over the crowd, disgusting them]
Crowd member: Disgusting!
Bubble Bass: [looks at his watch] Hmm. [looks up in surprise]
SpongeBob: [now with a nasally voice] Here you go, Bubble Bass. [sets down the hideous patty onto the table] My kazillionth Krabby Patty, hot off the grill. [sneezes onto the patty and sniffles]
[A woman is heard screaming as a close-up of the grotesque patty is shown.]
Bubble Bass: [screams] Yuh! I can't [points to the patty] consume this! [throws the patty onto the ground and leaves] Bleh!
SpongeBob: [picking up the patty] Oh, you poor Krabby Patty. [sneezes, inflating the patty and making it explode all over everyone]
Crowd: [groans in disgust]
Crowd member: This is so unsanitary.
Crowd: [leaving] That's it, I'm outta here.
Crowd member: No, no.
SpongeBob: Wait, don't go. [slips on patty slop] Whoa! [falls down]
Mr. Krabs: [walks over to SpongeBob, groans] Sorry, boy-o. I don't know what's goin' on with you, but you're ruinin' me business. [steps foot onto floorboard under SpongeBob, launching him out of the building]
SpongeBob: [screams, bounces back into his house through the wall] Uh, oh. [walks over to mirror, hives go away] If I can't cook Krabby Patties, then [looks at hands] who am I? Curse this blasted rash! [looks at mirror] Huh? My rash! [rubs face] It's gone! [laughs, tosses mirror and runs back to the Krusty Krab] Mr. Krabs? [enters Krusty Krab, laughing, making Squidward lose balance as he tries holding patties on a tray]
[One Krabby Patty lands perfectly onto Squidward's tray, and the other's ingredients land on his face in a face-like manner.]
Squidward: Hmm.
SpongeBob: [approaches Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs, I'm [jumps] cured. [sneezes, allergy comes back]
Mr. Krabs: Uh, [points claw at SpongeBob] you don't look cured to me, son.
SpongeBob: [steps outside Krusty Krab, allergy goes away, then steps back inside] I'm cure-- [sneezes, allergy comes back]
Mr. Krabs: [saliva dripping from body] Nope.
SpongeBob: [steps outside again, allergy goes away, then steps back inside] I'm cure-- [sneezes, allergy comes back again]
Mr. Krabs: [yelling, pointing outside] Out! Out, out, out, out!
SpongeBob: [picks up patty from Squidward's tray] I'm gonna miss you, Krabby Patty. [sniffs] What's... [sneezes, slouches on table] happening to me?
Squidward: Isn't it obvious? You're allergic [points to patty on tray] to Krabby Patties.
Perch: [appears] This just in: SpongeBob's allergic to Krabby Patties.
Mr. Krabs: [walking over, gasps] Allergic to Krabby Patties? [using megaphone] Is there an allergist in the house?
[Two allergists raise their hands at their tables.]
Allergists: I'm an allergist!
Purple allergist: [points to other allergist] Dibs!
Green allergist: Aww.
Purple allergist: [runs over to SpongeBob with a popsicle stick, which he sticks up his nose] Say...
SpongeBob and allergist: Ah.
Purple allergist: [lets go] Choo! [laughs] Allergist humor. [honks SpongeBob's nose] Hmm, [takes out SpongeBob's hive-ridden tongue] the constant exposure to Krabby Patties has caused a hypersensitive [lets go of tongue] immunological reaction.
SpongeBob: [nasally] Say what now?
Purple allergist: [writes on clipboard] Krabby Patties make you itch. [puts arm around SpongeBob] But don't worry. I can cure you!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's mouth being pried open with instruments. Several dangerous-looking tools surround him.]
Purple allergist: [laughs evilly while holding tool, thunder crashes]
Sandy: [gets in front of allergist] Hold it! [gestures to SpongeBob] SpongeBob just needs to be isolated from the allergen. In this case, Krabby Patties. And I know just how to do it.
Purple allergist: Aww.
[Bubble transition to Sandy setting up a giant suit for SpongeBob to wear in the kitchen.]
Sandy: My old divin' suit's a [closes suit] little bulky, [uses drill on suit, then closes the hatch] but it'll keep you safe from any stray patty particles.
SpongeBob: Thank you, Sandy. [presses button, making horn in the suit blow, laughs]
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob using the suit in the kitchen. He turns his suit arm into a spatula.]
SpongeBob: [nervously puts spatula onto patty on grill] Uh, here goes nothing. [winces, then feels himself] Ah! [to Squidward, who is reading a book] Isn't it wonderful, Squidward? [places face against suit] I can cook Krabby Patties again.
Squidward: Whoop-de-diddly-doo.
SpongeBob: [flips patty too high, making it break through ceiling] Whoops. Whoa. [several ingredients fly around in the kitchen] Okay, here we go. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Some of this. [an onion hits Squidward in the head] Got it.
Squidward: [groans]
SpongeBob: [slices buns] Whew! [places patty on kitchen window] One Krabby Patty with double pickle, hold the kelp-sup. [blows horn, getting steam all over Squidward]
Squidward: [moans, face burning]
SpongeBob: Sorry. [places another food tray] Two patty singles with an order of curly coral bits. [hits Squidward with spatula]
Squidward: [groans]
SpongeBob: [keeps hitting Squidward]
Squidward: Hey!
SpongeBob: Whoops. I'm gettin' the hang of it!
Squidward: [gets hit again] Ow!
SpongeBob: Sorry.
Squidward: Mr. Krabs? [gets hit again] Ow!
SpongeBob: Whoops. Sorry.
Squidward: I can't work like this.
SpongeBob: [hits Squidward again] Sorry.
Mr. Krabs: [walking by, counting money] Learn to duck, Mr. Squidward.
SpongeBob: [keeps hitting Squidward] Whoops! Sorry. Whoops, sorry.
Squidward: Aah! [rubs head, watch beeps] Quittin' time. [gasps, dodges another hit from SpongeBob, then jumps out of register] Finally! [runs off]
SpongeBob: Aw. Just when I was gettin' this [snaps fingers with suit] suit figured out. [suit legs suddenly extend through ceiling] Whoa! [legs retract, loses balance and runs into door frame] Whoa, whoa. Uh-oh.
Mr. Krabs: [approaches SpongeBob, points to him] What's goin' on in here, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I can't take this suit off and I can't go home. [places face against suit] What'll I do, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Sorry, SpongeBob. You'll have to bunk in the kitchen from now on. [walks off]
SpongeBob: Hooray! Work sleepover! [gets off from door frame]
Sandy: [comes through kitchen window with bag] Don't worry, SpongeBob. I figured you might have a little trouble [opens suit hatch] getting back to your homestead, [tosses bag into suit, several supplies start floating around in it] so I brung along some supplies.
SpongeBob: Huh? Yeah!
Sandy: And I couldn't forget [takes Gary from bag] this little feller.
Gary: Meow.
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Several days later...
[SpongeBob's suit is now a murky green, and several items are floating around in it.]
Gary: [murmuring, slithering around suit]
SpongeBob: [whistling while cooking patties]
Squidward: [holding four large trays of patties, grumbling, then loses balance] Whoa! [falls down, and one patty lands onto a customer's table]
Customer: Mmm. [is about to eat the patty, then has an allergic reaction, and scratches hives] Oh. [flailing arms, screaming] Whaa! [puffs up, falls over]
[As Squidward walks by with a patty, all of the customers start having allergic reactions.]
SpongeBob: Oh, no, the customers are allergic to patties, too! [turns suit arm into vacuum, then reaches it out from kitchen]
Squidward: [yelps]
SpongeBob: [sucking up old lady] Quick, get inside the suit! [sucks up customer scratching back on table] You'll be safe in here.
Customer: Whoa!
[Several customers run around screaming as SpongeBob uses the arm vacuum to suck them all up.]
Customers: [inside suit, groan]
[Suddenly, the customers' allergies go away.]
Customers: [chattering]
Customer: My rash is gone!
Other customer: Whoa.
Other other customer: Totally cured.
Squidward: [yelps, bangs on office door] Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: [opens door, money all over him, unimpressed] Yes? [eye stalks get grabbed by Squidward into kitchen] Oh!
Squidward: SpongeBob lost his marbles! He sucked all the customers into that crazy contraption!
SpongeBob: The patty allergy's spreading, Mr. Krabs. The customers are allergic too.
Mr. Krabs: Calm down, lad! I'm sure you're just exaggerat-- [has allergic reaction] hmm? [screams, then gets sucked in vacuum]
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I'll save you!
Squidward: [runs away]
Mr. Krabs: [enters suit, allergy goes away] That's better.
Squidward: [continues running away, screaming]
SpongeBob: [walking towards Squidward with vacuum] Squidward, get in the suit! Don't let the allergy get you!
Squidward: [defending himself] Oh, no, I'm not living in that tin can, especially with [points to SpongeBob] you inside it. [dodges vacuum attack, runs out of kitchen, slamming door behind him]
SpongeBob: [busts out of kitchen] Hurry, Squidward! Before it's too late!
SpongeBob and Squidward: [both screaming as SpongeBob chases after Squidward]
[Both run along a ceiling beam and jump down.]
SpongeBob: Come back!
Squidward: [hides behind register, which gets sucked up, screams]
[SpongeBob's vacuums suck up various parts of the Krusty Krab as Squidward continues running away from him.]
Squidward: [panting, slips on patty that ricochets off suit, then finally gets sucked into the suit]
Sandy: [enters] Just checkin' in to see how [looks at the chaos] y'all are doin'? [looks around] Whoo-doggy! Looks like a cattle drive came through here. [jumps onto table] Y'all okay in there?
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Squidward: [tentacles appear] No, I am not! [emerges, fans tentacle] This suit smells revolting! [pulls out cologne] Good thing I have my new cologne, [sprays cologne] Cephalopod Spice.
SpongeBob: Huh?
[Everyone else starts coughing, then have an allergic reaction.]
Sandy: Ugh, y'all weren't sneezin' from patties. [points to Squidward] You're allergic to Squidward's cheap cologne!
Squidward: Hey, I'll have you know that my eau de toilette is [sprays cologne] tres pricey. [customers puff up] Huh?
Sandy: Uh-oh, the suit's concentrated the allergen! [alarm goes off on suit, suit rapidly inflates] Y'all's rashes are goin' critical! [yells, runs away]
[The suit's whistle blows, and its helmet pops off, releasing everyone that was inside.]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Much later...
[SpongeBob serves a patty to a customer.]
SpongeBob: One Krabby Patty...
Customer: [laughs]
SpongeBob: Allergy-free. [kisses patty, releasing pink heart] Mwah.
Customer: [chuckles]
SpongeBob: [moves back, serves two patties to two customers, laughs, bouncing backwards]
Customers: Wow.
Squidward: [pouts, holds cologne] At least I still have my cologne. [sprays cologne, sniffs it, then violently sneezes, making his head explode into confetti] Achoo! Typical.