The Big House/Transcript

(The episode's scene opens up with a butterfly flying in the sky, Didi strolls Tommy along the sidewalk, a barred gate is shown followed by the sound of beeping, as the butterfly flies past the gate, the security camera follows the butterfly as it beeps faster before lowering down to where Didi and Tommy have arrived, Didi pushes the buzzer by the gate, the gates open automatically, Tommy gasps)

Didi: Tommy, you're going to love this place.

(The gate starts to slam shut as Didi approaches a steel door at a red house-like building, Didi opens the door, a young woman with a blonde crew cut named Sandra stands at the doorway)

Sandra: Ah, Mrs. Pickles. Welcome to Golden Apple Daycare, where our motto is, "an apple a day keeps the children at bay". (looms closers to Tommy): And this must be Thomas.

Didi: Uh, Tommy, actually.

Sandra: (walks to the screens): Allow me to introduce you to our guidance specialists. (two screens turn on showing two men, Jonathan and Bob) I'm Sandra. I'll be Tommy's playtime counselor. I carefully monitor psychological development and social adjustment.

Jonathan: I'm Jonathan. I'll be Tommy's nutritional coordinator. (holds a bar of "Tofu Cakes") I serve only organically grown, fat-and-cholesterol-free, macrobiotic foodstuffs.

Bob: I'm Bob. I change the diapers.

Didi: It's nice to meet you all. Your facilities are so... (uneasily): ...secure.

Sandra: Why, thank you, Mrs. Pickles! You know... (goes evil-like, echoes): There's never been an escape from Golden Apple Daycare.

Didi: (nervously): Well, uh, I guess that's it, then. (kisses Tommy): I'll see you at 5:00 sweetie.

(Didi leaves, a baby is shown sitting on the floor sobbing echoing the room, Didi waves to Tommy and closes the door, Tommy goes sad and desperately bawls)

Tommy: WAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sandra: Oh, Tommy-Wommy, don't cry. Oh, look, Tommy, a bally-wally! You can play with this.

(Sandra hands Tommy a ball, Tommy stops crying and smiles)

Jonathan: (from Sandra's radio): One-Sandra-niner, one-Sandra-niner, toilet incident in sector five. Do you copy, over?

Sandra: One-Jonathan-six, this is one-Sandra-niner. I'm proceeding to little girl's room, over.

(Tommy dribbles the ball, a strange baby is playing with a school bus and sees Tommy)

Wiseguy: Psst! (Tommy hears him and looks around) Over here.

Tommy: You talking to me?

Wiseguy: Shh! You don't want them screws to hear, do ya?

Tommy: Screws?

Wiseguy: You know, grownups.

Tommy: Oh.

Wiseguy: You new around here, ain't ya? Everybody 'round here calls me Wiseguy on account of I know everything what's going' on.

Tommy: Hi, Wiseguy, my name's Tommy Pickles.

Wiseguy: Sure, sure. Listen, if you're going to make it in this place, you got to know what's what.

Tommy: What?

Wiseguy: Right, you see that kid over there? (a big chubby baby walks over to another baby in blue pajamas suckling on a bottle) That's Big Justin. He's kind of the boss around here on account of he's the biggest. (Big Justin takes the bottle away from the other baby and suckles on it) You see that girl over there? (points at a girl building wooden blocks) They call her the Builder on account of she's always playing with blocks. And look over there. (the screen pans to a baby playing with red Play-Doh and yellow bits of clay all over him, he sculpts the Play-Doh into a pit bull) They call him Doughboy. He can make anything out of Play-Doh.

(Doughboy sculpts the Play-Doh into a cat, suddenly, Tommy and Wiseguy hear a baby crying very loud, a shot of inside his mouth is shown as Sandra and Jonathan arrive)

Tommy: What's wrong with that kid?

Wiseguy: Oh, don't worry about him; he's faking it.

Tommy: Faking it?

Wiseguy: Yep, that's Crybaby. (Sandra and Jonathan try to calm Crybaby down) He can make himself cry even when nothing's bothering him.

(As Sandra and Jonathan turn away, Crybaby stops crying and smiles for a moment then resumes back to crying as Sandra and Jonathan take out a rattle and stuffed teddy bear)

Big Justin: Hey. (Tommy and Wiseguy turn to Justin) Who's the new kid?

Wiseguy: (stammers nervously): Oh, hi, Justin. This here is Tommy Pickles.

(Tommy smiles at Justin)

Big Justin: Nice ball, kid. Give it to me.

Tommy: (pulls it away): No!

(All the babies stop playing and turn seeing this)

Big Justin: What'd you say, kid?

Tommy: It's my ball, you can't have it!

Big Justin: Look, you're new around here, and maybe nobody told ya, I'm Big Justin and I run this place. (pulls his suspenders in a snap) Now, GIVE ME THE BALL! (grabs the ball)

Tommy: (pulls it back): NO!

Big Justin: I said GIVE IT TO ME!

(Big Justin and Tommy get caught in a tug-o-war with the ball, Wiseguy and Crybaby watch this)

Crybaby: (holds a cookie): Betcha a cookie Justin gets the ball.

Wiseguy: (gives Crybaby another): You're on.

(Big Justin and Tommy continue fighting over the ball until Tommy lets the ball slip out of his fingers and ends up falling into a wagon, which rolls across the room, knocks over Builder's block structure, crushes Doughboy's clay cat sculpture, and rams into a wall, Tommy see Doughboy stare at what happened as the Funeral March plays in the soundtrack)

Tommy: (gasps): Sorry.

Doughboy: (tears well up, bawls): WEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

(Sandra comes in and sees what has happened, she is accompanied by Jonathan and Bob)

Jonathan: Diagnosis?

Sandra: Destructive overreaction syndrome. Procedure?

Jonathan: Positive reinforcement denial?

Sandra: (shakes her head): Uh-uh.

Jonathan: Withdrawal of snack gratification?

Sandra: Uh-uh.

Bob: (takes out a fresh diaper): Fresh change of diapers?

Sandra: No. (points at Tommy, echoes): Time out.

(The babies gasp in shock one by one)

Wiseguy: They're going to give him the pen!

(A single pen is shown by the corner of the room, Sandra rushes Tommy to the pen with Jonathan and Bob following)

Bob: I still say a nice change of diapers might cheer the little fella up!

Jonathan: How long?

Sandra: (holds five fingers): Five minutes.

Jonathan: Five minutes?! Don't you think that's a bit... harsh?

Sandra: (sternly): Do it.

(Jonathan does so, the timer is heard ticking as Tommy goes nervously still)

Builder: Whoa, five minutes!

Doughboy: Those screws just keep getting meaner and meaner.

(Tommy lowly stays still in the pen as he watches the cat clock on the wall, Tommy sees a toy jug and strides it along the wooden bars of the pen)

Sandra: (confiscates the jug): No, no, Tommy. (smiles) Noisemaking is not part of... (echoes): ...time out.

(Sandra leaves, the clock continues ticking, three minutes left, Tommy uses an abacus to keep track of the time, Tommy paces around, two minutes left, Tommy moves another abacus bead, he looks at the clock as his eyes appear to get bloodshot, Tommy goes totally nervous with only one minute left, Tommy gasps as the minute is almost up until the second hand hits "12" and the timer beeps)

Sandra: Well, Tommy-Wommy, I think we're feeling a whole lot better now, aren't we?

(Sandra picks him up out of the pen and puts him down before leaving)

Wiseguy: Boy, five minutes! I seen guys crack after two.

Big Justin: I got to admit, Pickles, you're a lot tougher than I had guessed.

Wiseguy: They had snack time while you were in the pen. (takes out a cookie for Tommy): I saved this for you.

Tommy: Thanks, Wiseguy. (eats the cookie): Ugh! (spits it out)

Wiseguy: It's one of them health food cookies. (Tommy puts the cookie in his diaper) It's the only thing they give us here!

Tommy: Listen, I did some thinking while I was in the pen.

Wiseguy: Yeah?

Big Justin: We're listening.

Tommy: (huddles with Big Justin and Wiseguy): I got an idea we could bust out of here. (Big Justin and Wiseguy gasps in horror) What's the matter?

Wiseguy: Well, a lot of guys have tried it, and...

Big Justin: (consoles Wiseguy): He had a buddy who tried to break out.

Wiseguy: (pushes Justin aside, sadly): I can tell it! He tried to climb out the window. They caught him before he even reached the bars!

(The screen zooms further away from the three babies to the barred windows)

Tommy: What did they do to him?

Wiseguy: (as sad cello music plays) First, they put him in the pen, just to soften him up. Then, they made him put away all the toys in the playroom, by himself! (as the music gets more dramatic) Then, they... c-CALLED HIS MOM!! (starts bawling)

Big Justin: (comforts Wiseguy): They transferred him to Happy Valley Day Care. We never saw him again.

Tommy: Well, my plan's different. We're not going to get caught, and we're not going to get transferred neither. We're just going to get out.

Wiseguy: (stops crying): Uh, I don't know.

Tommy: Look! I can't promise you much, but if we get out of here, there's a few things I can promise you. (Wiseguy and Big Justin look at each other, shows his fingers): No more naps, no more healthy cookies, no more screws. And best of all, no more time out!

Big Justin: (smiles with Wiseguy): No more time out.

Tommy: But I just need to know one thing. (Wiseguy and Big Justin gasp) Are you with me?

(Wiseguy and Big Justin smile as they along with Tommy put their hands together)

(Scene cuts to the cafeteria, Jonathan serves lunch to the babies)

Jonathan: And here's a spinach puree for you, and here's one for you, and for you, and here's one for you...

Crybaby: (whispers to Builder): New kid wants to meet behind the swings at playtime. Pass it on.

Builder: (whispers to Doughboy): Meet behind the swings. Pass it on.

Doughboy: (whispers to another baby): Behind the swings. Pass it on.

(Scene cuts to the playground, the whole playground seems deserted until the screen pans to all the babies in a circle with Tommy)

Tommy: The first thing we got to do is get the screws' attention. Crybaby, that's where you come in.

Crybaby: Don't worry about me, Tommy. (eyes well up with tears): Tears is my business.

Tommy: Good! Next, we're going to need to make something big and tall. Builder, that's what we need from you. You think you could, do it?

Builder: No problem, Tommy.

Tommy: Next, we got to open the lock. Doughboy, can you make a key out of Play-Doh?

Doughboy: Double-bolt or single?

Tommy: Huh?

Doughboy: Never mind, I can do it.

Tommy: Okay, here's the plan.

(The babies whisper in a circle, Sandra and Jonathan watches them from inside the window)

Jonathan: Hmm, that young Tommy Pickles is quite popular for a first year.

Sandra: Yes. Perhaps, too popular.

(The screen pans to the clock striking 2:00 until the scene switches to an alarm clock at 3:30, Jonathan marching inside the room as the babies' nap in their little beds, as Jonathan leaves, Tommy, Big Justin and Wiseguy open their eyes as Jonathan shuts the door)

Wiseguy: I sure hope your plan works, Pickles. Happy Valley's a tough joint.

Tommy: Don't worry, it'll work.

Big Justin: What are you going to do when you get out, Pickles?

Tommy: Me? I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own crib. How 'bout you, Wiseguy?

Wiseguy: I got a bottle back home with my name on it.

Big Justin: Yeah. There's a girl back home waiting for me. I call her "mom".

Tommy and Wiseguy: Yeah...

(The three babies shut their eyes as Jonathan paces past them, the clock ticks, it is now 4:30, the babies are playing as Jonathan whistles and leaves the room, Tommy gives Crybaby a thumbs up, Crybaby does the same and begins to bawl very loudly)

Jonathan: (quickly comes in): One-Sandra-niner, one-Sandra-niner, we have a crying situation! Repeat, we have a crying situation, over!

Sandra: Is it Morgan again, over?

Jonathan: Yes, it is, and you better get over here fast. We've got a full-fledged tantrum situation. Bring Bob, too, over.

Sandra: Roger, I'm on my way. (puts her radio away)

(The three adults gather around Crybaby, still feigning his tantrum, Tommy turns to Wiseguy with three other babies and gives him a thumbs up, Wiseguy does the same and takes a couple of wooden blocks, passing them over to the other babies where Builder builds a tower to reach the door, Tommy turns to Doughboy, who is building a Statue of Liberty with yellow Play-Doh, Tommy gives him a thumbs up, Doughboy molds the Play-Doh into a key and gives it to Wiseguy, who gives it to Big Justin, Big Justin climbs up to the door to the lock, he looks down at Tommy and the other babies and takes out the Play-Doh key from his diaper, Big Justin reaches to the lock)

Big Justin: It's too high! I can't reach it!

Wiseguy: What're we going to do?

Tommy: Maybe if I stand on his shoulders, I could just about reach it.

(Tommy climbs up the block tower to help Big Justin, he climbs on to Big Justin's head, they almost lose the key, but Tommy catches it and attempts to reach the lock, the babies watch)

Tommy: (strains): I... I... I think I can do it! (he puts the key into the lock until it gets smooshed with a wet squishing sound) It's too soft! I can't turn it!

Wiseguy: Hurry, Tommy! I don't think Crybaby much longer!

(The three adults still try to comfort Crybaby, suddenly, the door opens, it was Didi as she and Tommy gasp seeing each other)

Didi: Hello, sweetie! Did you have a lovely day? (picks Tommy up): Mommy missed you so much. (hugs him and carries him to the stroller)

(Wiseguy and Big Justin watch Tommy and Did leave the building)

Wiseguy: I guess he made it.

Big Justin: But what about the rest of us? He said we'd all get out. (disappointed): I trusted that baby.

Big Justin's Mom: (off-screen): Justin, sweetie!

Big Justin: (happily): MOMMY!!

(Big Justin runs to his mom as they embrace each other)

Wiseguy: I knew Tommy'd keep his word.

(Scene cuts to Didi strolling Tommy to the gates as Tommy coos happily)

Didi: Oh, look, Tommy. (points upward): A butterfly!

(The security camera sees the butterfly flying to the sky, the shot of the neighborhood is shown pulling away ending the episode)