A Visit From Lipschitz/Transcript

(The scene opens with what looks like water lowering with the sounds of slurping and a baby's babble, a yellow-orange tunnel is shown as the water lowers, the screen pulls away showing that the water is actually milk from a clear baby bottle being held by Tommy, who stops sipping and lets out a small burp, Tommy is in the living room with Chuckie and Stu)

Didi: (singsong): Stu! (walks in with a bag): You'll never guess who's coming to dinner!

Stu: Sidney Poitier?

Didi: Better--LIPSCHITZ!

Stu: The Lipschitz?! The baby expert?

Didi: That's the one. He was signing his manual at Book World today. And something inside me said, "Didi, invite Lipschitz over for a goulash dinner". So, I invited him and he accepted!

Stu: Sorry, Deed, but pop and I already got tickets to the ball game tonight.

Didi: Oh, Stu, please, this is a great man! We can learn from him. Lipschitz knows about being a mommy than anyone in the world.

(Stu and Deed leave into the kitchen)

Tommy: Hey, Chuckie, ya hear that?

Chuckie: Yeah, the Lipschitz is coming to your house.

Tommy: Chuckie, ever since I was little, I always heard my mommy say, "the Lipschitz says this", or, "the Lipschitz says that". And I never knew what the Lipschitz was. But now I know--it's a mommy!

Chuckie: Wow!

(The doorbell buzzes)

Didi: Oh, my gosh, that must be him! (as Stu and Didi get the door, the two babies crawl to a potted plant and watch, opens the door): It's such an honor to have you, Dr.-- (shrieks): AAAHH, CHARLES!

Chas: (yells back): OH, DIDI! (comes in)

Didi: I'm sorry, Charles, I thought you were a famous psychologist.

Chas: Nope, just another faceless bureaucrat coming over to pick up his son. (walks to the living room)

Stu: (sarcastically): Didi's in a bit of a frenzy with this Dr. Lipschitz coming over and...

Chas: (stops hearing this): Lipschitz?! THE Lipschitz?!

Didi: Why, yes. I didn't know you read Lipschitz.

Chas: (happily): Read him?! I've got his twelve-volume complete works, the books on tape, and the brand new how-to video guide!

Grandpa Lou: (walks in): You mean that guy who's always telling people how to raise their kids? (Tommy and Chuckie listen in on them) I can't believe you people take that crackpot seriously!

Dr. Lipschitz: (off-screen, German accent): Crackpot?

(The adults gasp and see Dr. Lipschitz outside the doorway)

Stu: (chuckles nervously): He meant a very skilled, intelligent, brilliant crackpot.

Dr. Lipschitz: Ja, ja, ja. Now, now vere's the goulash.

Didi: It'll be ready soon, Dr. Lipschitz. Please, come in.

Dr. Lipschitz: (flatly): You're too kind. (leaves his bag to Didi, who holds it up)

Chuckie: That's the Lipschitz? It doesn't look like a mommy to me.

Tommy: 'Course it is, Chuckie.

Chuckie: But it's got fur on its chin.

Tommy: Lots o' mommies got fur on their chin.

Chuckie: They do?

Tommy: Yeah, like the lady who works at the dry cleaners. And look! (points at the bag on the armchair): The Lipschitz has a purse! I bet if we check in its purse, it'll have lots of mommy stuff.

Chuckie: Uh... I don't know.

(Tommy climbs to the arm of the chair to check out the bag until Didi takes him)

Didi: Now, come on. It's dinner time.

(The scene cuts to Didi carrying a pot of goulash and slices of bread, everyone is at the dinner table)

Stu: (holds Tommy): Here we go, champ.

Dr. Lipschitz: (notices this): Uh, you realize, Mr. Pickles, ven you lift ze child--uh, oh, I never mind I shouldn't... butt in.

Didi: No, no, Dr. Lipschitz, please continue.

Dr. Lipschitz: (takes out his book from his jacket): Vell, in my zird book, "Taming Your Toddler"--$19.95 from Las Vegas University Press--explains zat ze infant should be lifted by his vaist, not his armpits.

(Tommy plays with his food with his spoon)

Chas: Here's your bib, Chuckie.

Dr. Lipschitz: Careful. I'm sure you realize zat tying ze bib is a highly symbolic act. (takes Chuckie's bib): If you tie it too tightly, you deprive ze child of his emotional freedom.

(Grandpa Lou goes bored)

Chas: Oh, my!

Dr. Lipschitz: But... tie it too loosely and you deny him ze firmness of your love.

Chas: Yikes!

Dr. Lipschitz: Either way, ze damage could be irreparable.

(Tommy flings his baby food at Dr. Lipschitz's eye and giggles)

Grandpa Lou: Bulls eye!

(The scene cuts to Didi and Chas taking their babies to the playpen)

Didi: There. It's better if you kids stay in here during dinner. Now, play nice. (leaves)

Tommy: Okay, now's our chance. (gets out his screwdriver from under the pillow): Let's get out of here, get the Lipschitz's purse, and find out if it's a mommy.

(Tommy unlatches the playpen as he and Chuckie go to the armchair where the bag is)

Dr. Lipschitz: Have I told you about my groundbreaking research on ze... (continues)

(Tommy and Chuckie take the bag down)

Chuckie: How'd you open it, Tommy?

Tommy: I don't know. (Tommy and Chuckie punch and kick the bag open revealing diapers and a bottle, rummages through): Ha! I was right!

Chuckie: What is it, Tommy?

Tommy: Chuckie, it's mommy stuff! (holds a bottle and a diaper with Lipschitz logos on it)

(Chuckie gasps, Dr. Lipschitz continues his lecture, Grandpa Lou is bored, Didi smiles, Stu is sleeping with his head in a bowl of goulash, his snores are heard bubbling)

Dr. Lipschitz: And so, by imitating ze foolish characters he sees on ze television screen...

(Didi elbows Stu waking him up, Stu's face is caked in dripping goulash)

Stu: Huh?! I'm up, I'm up! I'll make breakfast!

Didi: Uh, perhaps we should move into the living room for coffee and desert.

Dr. Lipschitz: (amused): Dessert?

(The scene cuts to Tommy and Chuckie heading back to their playpen)

Chuckie: Nuh-uh, Tommy, the Lipschitz can't be a mommy. He just can't be.

(Tommy closes the playpen as Chuckie locks the latch with the screwdriver)

Tommy: Why not, Chuckie? My mom said he was. And, besides, he does everything the mommies are supposed to do.

Chuckie: (hides the screwdriver underneath the pillow): Like what?

Tommy: Like, put on your bib.

Chuckie: Well...

Tommy: And cut your vegetables.

Chuckie: Well...

Tommy: AND he's got bottles and diapers in his purse. He's the mommy, Chuckie.

Chuckie: Well...

Tommy: Hey, Chuckie, maybe he's gonna be your mommy!

Chuckie: My mommy?!

Tommy: Yeah! What if you're getting a new mommy?

Didi: (off-screen): Now, smile!

Tommy and Chuckie: Huh?

(The two babies see Didi take a picture of Dr. Lipschitz, Chas, Stu and Grandpa Lou with her camera)

Dr. Lipschitz: Ah, ze playpen. (sees the babies with a pop-up book): Oh, my goodness! You know zese pop-up books foster delusional behavior. Zey should be taken away immediately!

(Dr. Lipschitz snatches the book away, Tommy gasps as he and Chuckie pout and bawl, Chas and Didi pick their babies up)

Didi: Oh, Tommy!

Chas: Chuckie, what's wrong?

Dr. Lipschitz: No, no, no, let me should you a wonderful relaxation technique zat I call "quiet time". (he takes the babies and places them on the ground, scene transitions to the adults gathering around as the two babies continue crying) Now, everyone sit down, and close your eyes. (takes out a tape and recorder from his bag and plays the tape) It's quiet time. Quiet time. (the adults close their eyes) Zink about ze ocean. (Stu scratches his chin, Grandpa Lou opens his left eye for a brief second) Listen to the waves. (Tommy and Chuckie stop crying hearing the sounds from the beach) The water, the sound of the whales. (Tommy gasps seeing a pen from Dr. Lipschitz pocket from his jacket) Quiet time. (sighs, Tommy crawls to Dr. Lipschitz and takes the pen from his pocket and squirts ink out at his jacket, Tommy giggles, panics) Hey, vat?! Vat?! (protests in German)

Didi: Oh, Tommy! Oh, Dr. Lipschitz, I--I'm so sorry. He's usually so well-behaved.

Dr, Lipschitz: Uh, right...

Didi: Here, uh, let me clean you up. (she and Dr. Lipschitz leave the room)

Grandpa Lou: (whispers): Now's our chance, boys. Let's go to the game.

Stu: I got the tickets in my wallet. Come on, Chas!

Chas: But, but what about Lipschitz?

Grandpa Lou: Be a man, son.

Stu: (to Tommy and Chuckie): Sorry, fellas, you gotta stay here.

(Stu leaves as Tommy and Chuckie look at each other, Stu waves and shuts the door with echoing sounds, Tommy and Chuckie run to the door and pound on it with their fists)

Tommy: Chuckie, they left us with the Lipschitz!

Chuckie: Tommy, I don't want it to be my mommy! It looks all scary and it puts my bib on funny and it cuts my "vegables" all wrong and, and... I, I just don't like it.

Didi: (off-screen) I'm so sorry, Dr. Lipschitz.

Tommy: (gasps): Quick, hide!

Didi: I wouldn't worry, though. I don't this polyester stains. (the babies hide behind the sofa, Dr. Lipschitz wipes the pen ink off his jacket with a white cloth) Hey, where's Stu? Where's Tommy? Where'd everybody go? (goes cross in realization): Oh, no! They must have gone to that silly baseball game! (goes to the window): I can't believe it! (Dr. Lipschitz sits on the sofa) It's so... irresponsible of him!

Dr. Lipschitz: Vell, clearly, he lacked proper discipline during ze early oedipal stage. Uh, by the way, are there anymore eclairs? Um...

(The babies crawl away)

Didi: I'm so sorry, Dr. Lipschitz. The whole evening is ruined.

Dr. Lipschitz: Let me give you some advise, Mrs. Pickles: if you vant your husband to stop treating you like a second-class citizen, you must stand up for your rights!

Didi: You really think he doesn't respect me?

Dr. Lipschitz: (laughs): Ha-ha-ha! No! Oh, Mrs. Pickles, you make me laugh. Can you possibly be zat naive? If I vere you, I'd get in my car, drive to that baseball game, find that husband of yours, and bring him back to zis house.

Didi: (determined): Dr. Lipschitz, you're right! I'm going to take a stand! But are you sure you'll be okay?

Dr. Lipschitz: Oh, don't worry about me, Mrs. Pickles. (laughs) I can just sit here and, uh, read one of my books until you return.

Didi: Oh, Dr. Lipschitz, you're a lovely man. Please, help yourself to anything you want. I'll be back in no time. (leaves out the door)

(Didi drives off as Dr. Lipschitz watches outside the window smirking)

Dr. Lipschitz: She fell for it, hook, line und sinker. (snickers and leaves)

(The babies watch out the window)

Chuckie: Oh, no, Tommy! Your mommy's gone, too!

Tommy: That means... (gulps)

Chuckie: The Lipschitz is gonna be both our mommies!

Tommy and Chuckie: (screaming): YAAAAHHHH!!!!

(The scene cuts to Dr. Lipschitz in the kitchen getting food from the refrigerator)

Dr. Lipschitz: It looks like you hit ze jackpot. (chuckles)

(The scene cuts to the two babies running in the living room)

Tommy: Hide, Chuckie!

(They hide under the armchair, Dr. Lipschitz comes in humming and sits on the armchair, the babies are startled from the seat's weight caving in, the two babies crawl away)

Dr. Lipschitz: Mmm... Oh, this is quality corned beef. (snickers) Now, where's ze remote?

(The two babies run into the bathroom)

Tommy: The Lipschitz'll never find us in here!

(The babies hide behind a bathrobe, scene cuts to Dr. Lipschitz's empty food tray, he sighs as he picks his teeth with a toothpick, the TV shows a commercial of a woman in a bubbly bathtub)

Woman on TV: So luxurious, so soothing. There's nothing like a nice, warm bath with Chemzyne bath products.

Dr. Lipschitz: Hmm... Now that sounds like a good idea.

(He gets up and heads in the bathroom and takes off his jacket, he sighs as he turns the bathtub water on, the two babies watch as Dr. Lipschitz puts the Chemzyne in the water, he hums as he takes his clothes off and gets in the tub, Tommy and Chuckie tiptoe away)

Dr. Lipschitz: (sighs in the bubble bath): Ah...

(Chuckie opens the door, which lets out a loud squeak getting Dr. Lipschitz's attention)

Chuckie: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Tommy: YAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Dr. Lipschitz: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (the two babies are heard crying, runs out with the bathrobe on carrying them): Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! What to do! What to do! (takes them to the parents' bedroom): Be quiet, babies, be quiet! (puts them on the bed): You vant your uncle Lipschitz to show you a funny face? (makes a funny face, the babies cry still) Now, zink, Werner, zink! Remember, you're an expert! (snaps his figners): I know! How about some of my patented Lipschitz baby formula? (the two babies continue bawling as Dr. Lipschitz runs out the door and down the stairs then comes back up with two bottles) Here it is! I'm coming! (the two babies continue crying, frowns): You don't like it? How about a nice diaper? (he runs down the stairs again and comes back up with diapers) Let's see, let's see! Here's one! (Tommy and Chuckie continue bawling, panics): Oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness! (falls to his knees): What do you want from me?! Vat?! VAT?! VAT?! (rolls over and sobs immaturely)

Tommy and Chuckie: (they stop crying noticing this): Huh?

Chuckie: Hey, Tommy, what's it doing?

Tommy: I don't know, but it sure isn't acting like a mommy.

Chuckie: Yeah, it's acting more like... a baby. Hey, Tommy, the Lipschitz isn't a mommy; it's a baby!

Tommy: Let's go play with it!

(The two babies climb down the bed and sit on Dr. Lipschitz's back and giggle)

Dr. Lipschitz: (stops sobbing, sees this): What? That's what you want? To play? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!

(Dr. Lipschitz and the two babies laugh as Dr. Lipschitz rides the babies on all fours, scene cuts to the front door opening, the four adults have arrived)

Didi: Dr. Lipschitz!

Dr. Lipschitz: Shh! Zey're sleeping.

Stu: (glares and points): Hey, buster, that's my robe!

Dr. Lipschitz: Huh? Uh, it's a long story. (Tommy and Chuckie are seen napping on the sofa) I've had quite a busy evening with ze children.

Didi: (whispers): Oh, doctor. I hope they haven't been too much trouble.

Dr. Lipschitz: Please, Mrs. Pickles, no apologies--it is I who owe you gratitude. Zanks to your little rugrats, I have completely revised my zeories.

Chas: What?

(Didi and Chas pick up their babies)

Dr. Lipschitz: That's right. Ze so-called "early Lipschitz" is now merely an historical footnote. From now on, I will follow ze French school of child-rearing.

Grandpa Lou: (half-sarcastic): Oh, let me call the papers.

Dr. Lipschitz: And you, my fine friends, will be ze first to receive copies of my new manual.

Didi: (amazed): I'm speechless!

Chas: One last picture, please, Dr. Lipschitz?

Dr. Lipschitz: Why, certainly!

(the Pickles and the Finsters gather around with Dr, Lipschitz for a picture)

Didi: Pop? Do you think you could take the photo?

Grandpa Lou: Oh, all right. (gets his camera ready): Say cheese!

Dr. Lipschitz, the Pickles and the Finsters: Cheese!

Dr. Lipschitz: Cheese? Where?

(As Dr. Lipschitz turns around, the camera flashes getting the picture, which also captures Stu's eyes closed and Didi looking stunned, the picture is shown on an album's page ending the episode)