Paternal Egg-Stinct/Transcript

Scene I: The Zoovenir Shop[]

In the darkness of the Zoovenir Shop, Skipper pops out of the head of an orange monkey shirt and looks around.

Skipper: All right, boys. The coast is clear. Let's move.

The others Penguins pop out of various shelves. Kowalski pulls out a grappling hook, launches it, and is pulled away. Rico and Private jump out. Private lands in Rico's hands and is thrown forward. Skipper leaps out of the orange monkey shirt. Kowalski descends from the ceiling on a rope. Suddenly, the lights come on causing the penguins to jump into their combat ready positions. It turns out to be Marlene, standing on top of a barrel full of monkeys, whom switched the lights on.

Marlene: Hey, guys!

Marlene jumps down off of the barrel. The penguins loosen up slightly. Skipper runs up to Marlene to speak to her.

Skipper: Jumbo shrimp! Doesn't a stealthy rendez-vous mean anything to anyone anymore?
Marlene: A stealth... No. Why? Should it?

Sensing something, Skipper quickly puts his flipper over Marlene's mouth to silence her.

Skipper: Shhh!

Now everyone is standing around Marlene, who stands still with her mouth being covered. Skipper looks around the shop. There was no one there. Skipper removes his flipper from Marlene's mouth.

Skipper: All clear. But stay on your toes.

Rico nods, taking the command literally, and stands on his toes. Marlene looks at them with a blank stare.

Marlene: Riiiiight. Well, anywho, guess what I've found in my habitat today.

Marlene pulls an egg from behind. Rico moves in for a a closer look and Private stares happily.

Private: It's... It's...
Kowalski: An egg?
Marlene: Yes! And you are birds, soooo... (waves the egg at them suggestively)
Skipper: Soooo, what?
Marlene: (after a first surprise shock on her face)Back at the aquarium, the daddy penguins handle egg-duty.
Skipper: (With a patronizing look on his face) Marlene, we're an elite force, not nurse maids.

Kowalski takes the egg from Marlene and examines it closely.

Kowalski: Actually, Skipper, incubation is a guy thing for penguins. It's natural instincts.

Excited, Private takes the egg from Kowalski and holds it.

Skipper: You too, Kowalski? We can't give in to every gushy urge nature's burdened upon our species.

However, the men are playing with the egg. Private rocks the egg back and forth. Kowalski plays peek-a-boo with the egg, coochie-coochie-cooing at him. Rico is waving at the egg.

Skipper: Oh, come on, you marshmallows! Think manly thoughts, like, uh... MONSTER TRUCKS! OOH-RAH!

The others ignore Skipper and continue to cuddle egg. Skipper softens up and lets out an affectionate sigh.

Skipper: Ahh. Isn't that just the cu-- (Snapping out of it) NO CAN DO. We can't possibly take this mommy mission.

King Julien, Maurice and Mort pop out of another barrel of animals.

King Julien: Of course you can't, silly penguin. Because the egg is MINE!

The lemurs jump down, out of the barrel of monkeys.

Skipper: Where did you... I thought we had this area secured!
Marlene: (incredulously)You laid an egg?
Kowalski: (examining Julien) That's highly illogical for a mammal, unless... (examines Julien's tail) Are you part platypus?
King Julien: What did-- (pushes Kowalski away, offended) You are a party puss! But I, I am KING of things! (Maurice nods) Longly, I have waited for the spirits to give me a proper heir to my throne. Clearly, that is why they sent me this egg.
Marlene: Sent you?
King Julien: Yes! Indirectly. I shall call him Julien Jr., J.J.! I will raise him to be just like me. Handsome, brilliant, and most of all... humble!

Annoyed, Skipper facepalms.

Skipper: (To Marlene) We'll take him.
Private: Yay! Resume coochie-cooing, men!

Private has the egg under his feet. The boys continue coochie-cooing the egg. Julien is jealous and begins rubbing his hands together, discussing his plans for the egg loud enough so that everyone hears him.

King Julien: (In a "whisper") Well, we'll see who's coochie-cooing when I-

The Penguins all turn to face King Julien with angry expressions on their faces.

King Julien: Hey. I was muttering to me, not you, silly penguins. Now carry on.

Scene II: Penguins HQ[]

Skipper has created a schedule with a crudely drawn mugshot of each of the Penguins at the top of each column and points to it with a drumstick.

Skipper: We'll take shifts, the egg will have round the clock supervision and training.
Private: Training, Skipper?
Skipper: That's right, Private. By the time this rookie hatches he'll be ready for action.
Private: But sir!

Skipper is holding a kitchen timer.

Skipper: The clock is ticking. Commence operation... (he sets the timer)... hard-boiled!

Skipper is seen setting up a small contraption looking very similar to the children's board game, "Mouse Trap". Private walks in when Skipper is adding the final touches to the device.

Private: Oooh, lovely! You're playing a game with Eggy!
Skipper: (Patronizingly) Oh ho whoa, this is no game, Private.

Skipper picks up Eggy as he talks.

Skipper: This tiny obstacle course trains tiny soldiers.

Skipper places a white King on a red "X" and salutes it. He then positions Eggy at the top of one of the slides and lets go of him. Private gasps in fear.

Skipper: Go!

Private walks forward to help Eggy, but Skipper sticks out an arm to stop him, evidently annoyed.

Skipper: You'll get your little play time when it's your shift, Private.
Private: Oh dear.

Private watches in fear as Eggy continues through the obstacle course. Eggy narrowly avoids a hammer, is flung through the air, lands and slides down another slide, avoids a mouse trap which sends a Knight flying through the air, which lands on a see-saw knocking a cage onto the now black King. Private lets out a gasp of relief and Skipper picks up Eggy to prepare to send him through the course again.

Skipper: Not bad! But you'll never make officer with a time like that. Let's get in it to win it! Go!

Later...

Kowalski is wearing a pair of 3-D glasses as protective eye wear. He is examining Eggy closely. He uses a pair of pliers to gently lower Eggy into a pillow filled glass box. Private walks up and looks in.

Private: Oh! You've built a crib for Eggy!
Kowalski: No, it's an intelligence-intensifying incubation chamber.

Kowalski pushes buttons on a panel that is connected to the chamber with wires. Private looks apprehensive.

Kowalski: From egg to egg-head in one gigajolt.

Kowalski turns around holding two electrified spoon heads and presses them together, as if they were medical paddles. Private cowers upon seeing them.

Private: You can't!
Private then jumps over the container, protecting Eggy.
Upon contact with the "paddles", Private is shocked and begins making a gargled scream. Kowalski rushes over to turn the machine off. Private is now glowing green and smoking.

Kowalski: Private!
Private: (Salutes and speaks quickly in a monotone) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.

Private rolls off the chamber onto the floor. He is no longer green but is still smoking.

Private: Oh. What just happened?

Scene III: Top of the Penguin Habitat[]

Rico is flying a kite. He is making airplane noises as he steers the kite different directions. Private walks up behind him.

Private: Please tell me you're just flying a kite.

Private looks around for Eggy and gasps when he realizes what Rico is really doing.

Private: (Angrily) Rico! Where's Eggy?

Rico smiles nonchalantly and points to the kite.

Rico: Uhh-uhh! (Up, up)

The kite is revealed to be carrying Eggy.

Private: (frantically) Eggy can't fly! Bring him down, bring him down!

Private grabs the kite string out of Rico's hands and yanks on it in an attempt to bring Eggy down. The kite heads into a nose-dive straight for Rico and Private. The kite crashes into Rico, knocking him off screen. Private rushes over to look for Eggy. Private turns the kite over and notices that Eggy is missing.

Private: (Scared) You lost Eggy!
Rico: (Shaking his head) Hmm... nuh-uh.

Private stares at Rico, perplexed. Rico then regurgitates Eggy. He holds him out and Eggy is covered in a green slimy substance, causing Private to cringe in horror.

Private: Guuuh!

Scene IV: The Lemur Habitat[]

King Julien is watching as all this unfolds while drinking a coconut. He leans back into his throne and sighs sadly.

King Julien: Look at them with the vomiting of my J.J. (Angrily) That is no way for a royal lemur egg to be treated! He should be at my side, my left side, right about here.

He breaks to song. Julien is seen with Eggy and a coconut with two straws, putting a crown on it, having their picture taken behind a cardboard cut-out of a beach scene, and sitting on it. Eggy begins to hatch and two small ring-tail lemur legs pop out of both sides. Eggy then grows to "king size". Julien then plays a guitar, looks at Eggy, and dances on the words to the song he is singing as Eggy bounces by. Finally, they bounce together on the "Royal Bouncy" and Julien pushes him in a swing. The song ends with Julien sitting next to Eggy on a hill watching the sun set.

King Julien: (Singing) Me and my J.J, with me he will stay-ay, and then we can play-ay, all night and all day-ay. From this lemur egg my prince will rise, his little lemur legs growing to king size! He'll be regally, he'll be legally mine! Oh look at how cute he is. Me and my J.J, with me he will stay-ay, and then we can play-ay, from June until May-ay. He'll be regally, abso-legally, MIIIIIINNEEEEE! Yeah!

King Julien appears to be talking to himself during a daydream.

King Julien: Heheheh. Why yes J.J. Of course you can kick Mort.

Maurice taps King Julien on the shoulder.

Maurice: Your highness?
King Julien: (still dreaming) No no, he likes it.

Maurice pulls himself level with King Julien.

Maurice: (Yelling) YOUR HIGHNESS!
King Julien: (Angrily, waking up) Maurice! You totally ruined my J.J. day dream! It had music and everything!
Maurice: (Concerned) Uh, you know. Maybe you should let go. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure whatever’s in that egg, well, it ain't one of us.
King Julien: Oh really, mister smarty-booty. And where do you think J.J. will hatch from, if not from an egg?
Maurice: Well, mammals usually come from…

Maurice whispers about where mammals usually come from into King Julien’s ear, causing King Julien to spit his drink all over Maurice in disgust.

King Julien: (Angrily) Do not gross me out with nonsense Maurice!

King Julien sips, then eyes the coconut, removes the straw, and smiles.

King Julien: I think… I am getting an idea. Yes! It is definitely an idea, and I have it! Me! Hahahaha!

Scene V: The Penguin HQ[]

Private is seen looking down affectionately at Eggy nuzzled between his feet.

Private: You’re in safe hands now, Eggy. Well, safe feet.

Skipper walks up behind Private.

Skipper: Private, what are you doing with the egg? It’s not your shift.

Skipper takes the egg from Private.

Private: Grrr! (Angrily) Obstacle courses? Gigajolts? Hang-gliding? You’re all pushing too hard! You, you don’t know EVERYTHING, Skipper!
Skipper: (Turning around, shocked) Private!

Private, realizing his folly, clamps his mouth shut with his hand. Rico, apparently hang gliding under water, slams into the window.

Private: I’m sorry Skipper, it’s just that I—
Skipper: -- Think you know what’s best for this new cadet. (staring above Private with a glazed look in his eyes) But you’re just a boy yourself, a dreamer! What could you possibly know about raising him?

The kitchen timer goes off and Private gasps happily.

Private: I’ll show you! It’s my shift!

Scene VI: The Penguin HQ[]

Private is seen with Eggy cradled in his arms. Private slowly rocks him back in forth, talking soothingly to him. Baby music plays in the background.

Private: Everything’s okay now, I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.

Eggy shakes and a smiled-shaped crack forms on the shell. Seeing this, Private puts Eggy between his legs and waddles top side to show the others.

Scene VII: Top of the Penguin Habitat[]

The other three Penguins are standing around, apparently doing nothing when Private emerges.

Private: (Excitedly) Skipper! Skipper! I felt him kick and then he smiled at me!

Rico, Kowalski, and Skipper all give Private a reproachful gaze.

Private: (confused) What?

Skipper points towards Private’s feet. Private looks down, realizes the egg has been replaced with a coconut, and gasps. Mort appears.

Mort: I’m an egg. Arf arf!
King Julien: Ho ho, yes! (Gloatingly) Who is your daddy now? (Begins juggling Eggy) Not me, because I am J.J.’s daddy, and aahhoowoo—

King Julien loses his grip on Eggy and sends him soaring through a sea of feet. Eggy rolls along the ground. Private and King Julien look on in fear as Eggy narrowly avoids being squashed multiple times.

Private: (Extremely shrilly) Gahhhhh! My baby!

The penguins spring into their combat ready positions and jump into action. They slide after Eggy but must duck under a bench in order to avoid detection. Eggy bounces off a curve and a brick wall, making a noise similar to a pinball machine on each impact. King Julien lands in front of Eggy and picks him up.

King Julien: (Like someone scolding a dog kindly) Fool me once, J.J.

Eggy’s feet poke through the shell and kick King Julien in the face.

King Julien: Owww! My eyes!

Scene VIII: The Otter Habitat[]

Eggy jumps down and runs away past Marlene’s habitat causing her to double take.
Marlene: (Skeptically) Wait was that just … no.
Ducks: Quack! Quack.
Marlene: (Comprehension dawning) A duck?

Marlene jumps off the wall back into her habitat. Mother Duck is seen emerging from the bushes, followed by four ducklings.

Marlene: A mother duck!
Mother Duck: (Despairing) Oh, keep looking kids!
Marlene: Uh, hey, excuse me, are you missing your...
Mother Duck: -- My egg! Do you have my egg?
Marlene: Um, kind of, but no, no. But I sent it to the best Eggy-sitters. Come on!

Scene IX: The Zoo[]

The Penguins are holed up in a bush looking for Eggy. Kowalski has binoculars.

Private: (Sadly) Eggy’s gone, and it’s all my fault! I am a bad daddy.
Skipper: (Reassuringly) No moping on duty, Private. This is not over.
Kowalski: (Turning) Target spotted, sir!

Private rushes forward and grabs the binoculars out of Kowalski’s flippers.

Private: Let me see!

Private gasps as he looks into the binoculars and sees Alice preparing to eat an egg. Private turns and faces the others.

Private: What are you waiting for?

The penguins slide over beside the bench Alice is sitting on and gasp in horror as she eats the egg. Private gasps and faints, Kowalski shudders, and Rico covers his mouth and gags. Skipper catches Private.

Skipper: A moment of silence to honor our fallen. Just think of monster trucks.

Rico and Kowalski begin sobbing then they look behind them and see that King Julien is seen chasing after Eggy.

King Julien: Yoo hoo! Here, J.J.

King Julien bends over and slaps his hands on his knees as though Eggy is a dog. Mort shows up behind him with the coconut top stuck on his head.

King Julien: Come here boy!
Private: (joyfully) Eggy! He’s alive!

Eggy continues blindly running, but gets a foot stuck in a chunk of chewing gum on the ground. Seeing this, King Julien runs towards Eggy with his arms outstretched. Mort follows, but the coconut on his head causes him to lose his balance and begin rolling. Mort causes a man pushing the popcorn cart to trip, pushing the popcorn cart directly at Eggy. Private gasps in horror as the cart rushes towards Eggy.

Private: Quickly men! Operation Stop Pop! Go go go!

Private and Skipper hoist Kowalski and Rico onto the top of a nearby light pole. Rico regurgitates his kite and Kowalski and Rico use it as a hang glider. Skipper throws Private whom catches onto the string and snatches Eggy out of the way of the popcorn cart.

King Julien: My J.J.!

The popcorn cart slams into a wall.

Julien: Whoa!

A pile of popcorn lands on King Julien and Kowalski and Rico fly high with Private, holding onto the string and Eggy.

Scene X: The Zoo[]

The penguins (Kowalski, Private, and Rico have landed) and King Julien are seen under a bench, looking over Private’s shoulder at Eggy, which he is cradling in his arms.

Private: (affectionately) You’re safe now. And you have little feet! Oh yes you do!

Skipper thwarts an attempt by King Julien to snatch Eggy back.

King Julien: I demand custody! Look at all the danger you have heaved upon my J.J.!
Skipper: (Indignantly) We heaved? You’re the heaver, mister! Eggy was aces until you pilfered him!
King Julien: But I pilfered “J.J.” while he was on your watching! That makes you responsible for my irresponsibility!
Skipper: (Angrily) I’ll slap you into the middle of next week!
King Julien: (Angrily) How dare you, sir!
Skipper: I’m not responsible for your irresponsib—
Private: (Yelling) QUIET! Both of you! You’re upsetting Eggy!

Everyone looks at Eggy affectionately as he begins to hatch. Eggy hatches and looks up at Private.

Eggy: Mama?
Private: (Gushing) Ahhh! He thinks I’m his—
Mother Duck: -- Mama’s here!

Eggy hops down and runs into Mother Duck’s wings as the penguins and Julien look stunned.

Marlene: See I told you they were natural born hatchers!
Mother Duck: You were good for the sitters? (to the penguins) The baby didn’t give you boys trouble, did he?
Skipper: Well, now that you mention it – OOF... (Private elbows him) Happy to serve, ma’am.

Eggy hops forward and the four salute him. Private is fighting back tears. Eggy returns the salute, and gives Private a hug.

Mother Duck: Aww, that’s precious. But, time to get in line kiddo.

As the ducks walk off, the Penguins all look sad.

Skipper: (consolingly) Monster trucks men, monster trucks.
King Julien: Whoah, wait! (sadly) Does she get to keep all of these J.J.s?

Scene XI: The Penguin HQ[]

Private, Rico, and Kowalski are already in their bunks as Skipper walks up, preparing to turn in.

Skipper: Night, boys.

Skipper pops up beside Private.

Skipper: (Proudly) You did good today, Private.
Private: It’s just instinct, Skipper.

Rico ducks down from an upper bunk, a smile on his face.

Rico: Awwww!
Private: Skipper, do you think Eggy will remember us? (Skippers gives a smile)

Scene XII: Lake in Park[]

Four ducklings and Eggy are standing next to each other on a rock and Mother Duck pecks at another rock.

Eggy (taking up Skipper's move) Cute and cuddly boys. Cute, and cuddly.