This is a complete transcript of the episode Which Father Knows Best?.
Transcript[]
(in the lab)
Donald: Well, Bree, you smashed your chip so badly, it's useless. But! I was able to replicate my brother's original chip and like my face, it's flawless.
Leo: Forget the chip. We need to get this dude a mirror.
Bree: Wait, so I'm actually going to be bionic again?
Donald: Yep.
Bree: Yes! (gratefully hugging Donald) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Donald: Your chip's almost ready.
(chip fabricator dings)
Adam: Ooh! Snacks are done!
Donald: For the last time, this is not a microwave! It's a chip fabricator.
Adam: Call it whatever you want. I'm still making my mini pizzas in here.
Donald: Okay, Bree, hop in your capsule when you're ready for your new chip.
Leo: You know, Big D, if this works, maybe you can make a chip for me.
Donald: Please, your body can't handle high-fiber cereal.
(Bree steps out of her capsule)
Donald: So? How does it feel?
Bree: Like a piece of metal just got jammed into my neck and fused to my nervous system!
Donald: Whoo hoo! Success! Alright, now, give it a try, see how it worked.
Bree: Okay.
(Bree attempts to use her super-speed and ends up on the ceiling for a few seconds, destroying some pipes and ends up on the floor)
Adam: Well, she's still more useful than Chase!
(theme song plays)
...
Donald: You know, technically speaking, your bionics are working...
Bree: (low tone) You call this working?! (high tone) I can't control my vocal manipulation! I can't control anything!
Donald: I'm so close. It just needs a few tweaks!
Chase: (pulls Adam aside) Dude, we're in big trouble if he can't fix her. We need her speed and agility for missions!
Adam: Well maybe we'll just find someone to replace her.
Chase: We can't just replace her!
Adam: You're right. Let's just forget about her and move on! She's dead to me! (makes a sour face)
Chase: What's wrong?
Adam: I miss Bree! (bawls)
Leo: No offense, Big D, but if your brother's the one that created her original chip, then maybe we should just call him--
Donald: No! Forget about it! I never want to see that waste of space again.
Chase: But he's our only hope, and he's not all bad. He did save us from Krane.
Donald: Yeah and you know what else he did? He blew up the lab, kidnapped you, and stole all my money.
Adam: All I'm hearing is adventure and excitement.
Donald: Look, I do not need any help from Douglas. I will fix this, okay? Give me a little credit. I happen to be a tech genius. (To Bree) Okay. Let's give it another go.
(Bree attempts to use her super speed, but runs backwards and crashes)
Adam: Oh, Mr. Davenport, you are not good at your job...
...
(in the living room)
Adam: Good news, Chase. I found a way to replace Bree's super-speed. Come on in!
(an old lady walks in(
Adam: I found her outside of a supermarket. She couldn't remember where she parked, so she's ours now.
Chase: You wanna replace Bree... with an old lady? More importantly, you stole an old lady?
Adam: No, no. It's not stealing if she thinks you're her grandson. No it's perfect, she's so old, no one would ever suspect she's bionic.
Chase: Dude! Quiet!
Adam: No, don't worry. She can't hear a thing. Come on, Chase. Picture It.
(daydream of Adam and Chase sitting in chairs in the lab starts)
Adam: Oh bionic grandma, I'm cold!
(old lady arrives at super-speed, hand-knits a blanket at super-speed and covers Adam)
Adam: Hmmmm... toasty! But now I'm hungry!
(old lady super-speeds upstairs and returns in seconds with cookies)
Chase: Sugar-free with chunks of carob? My favorite!
Adam: Hey, dude, you're ruining my fantasy. Thanks, bionic grandma! (high-fives the old lady)
(the daydream ends)
Chase: Look, it doesn't work like that. You can't just give super-speed to a random person.
Adam: But she's my Nana!
Chase: There's no substitute for Bree's speed! The best we can do is find a way to get to missions faster.
Adam: Fine, I'll take her home! (to the old lady) Hey, Nana, do you remember where you live, 'cause I have no idea.
(the old lady nods and enters the Davenport kitchen)
...
(in the lab)
Leo: Did you try--?
Donald: Yes, I tried that.
Leo: Maybe you--
Donald: Maybe you should stand over there so that your peanut butter breath wouldn't distract me and I could think!
(Donald touches the chip and a short circuit scares him back)
Donald: Ow! You know what? I need a break. That's it! I just need a break! (starts smiling hysterically) That's all. Whoo! Break time! (walks away, laughing from stress)
Bree: Wow, I have never seen him like this.
Leo. I have. Remember last Christmas when he gained two pounds? Those fluffy sweaters weren't fooling anybody.
Bree: I'm scared, Leo. What if he can't fix my chip? I had a gift and then I just threw it away. By destroying that chip, I destroyed our team.
...
(in a park)
Leo: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking for a guy named Douglas. Have you seen him? Short, creepy, porky-pine hair.
Douglas: (in body of lady Leo was talking to) I wouldn't call it porky-pine hair! (presses a button on his throat and morphs into Douglas) It's more like a spiky lions mane.
Leo: Douglas? You can be anybody with that cyber-mask, why would you go with... that?
Douglas: Two reasons. Hides me from Krane, and... scares the pigeons away. How did you find me?
Leo: Well, I could make up an impressive story about a high-tech satellite search thing, narrowed down your exact coordinates, but the truth is... you butt-dialed me. Look. We need your help. Bree wrecked her chip.
Douglas: She what? It took me years to perfect that thing!
Leo: Yeah, well, it took her three seconds to destroy it. The bigger problem is, Big D can't fix it.
Douglas: Of course he can't. (laughs) I win again! (laughs) Oh, I can't wait to shove his face in this one.
Leo: It's not about you beating your brother, he doesn't even know I'm here. But I had no other choice, you're the only one who can help Bree.
Douglas: I wish I could, Leo, but I don't even have a lab anymore.
Leo: I'll sneak you into ours while Big D's out.
Douglas: I don't know.
Leo: Please? Dad?
Douglas: I'm not your dad!
Leo: Well, you're everybody else's dad! I thought it might work! Look, now is not the time for egos or grudges, Bree's my sister, and I have to fix this! She needs your help.
Douglas: Okay. (morphs back into disguise) Guess I'll just have to be the bigger man.
...
(outside the front door)
Adam: Ta-da!
(Adam pulls off sheet and powers on football apparatus)
Chase: You're... gonna teach me how to catch a football?
Adam: No, I'm trying to fix the Bree problem, not do the impossible.
(the football launches offscreen, crashes, and a woman screams)
Adam: Sorry, Mrs. Rosenblatt!
Chase: How is this going to get us to missions faster?
Adam: Oh, it launches footballs at high speeds, so I figure, you make it bigger, do some type-y type-y, and it will launch us to missions. Any questions?
Chase: Just one. Did it sound stupid when you said it? Look, I have a better idea. Mr. Davenport's motorcycle goes 250 miles per hour. If I soup it up, I can make it do 350 easy.
Adam: All right, super bike. I like-y.
Chase: All I have to do is open up--
Adam: Eh! Eh! Eh! I don't need to know how the sausage gets made. Just call me when the dog's on the bun.
...
(in the lab)
Leo: Big D's gonna be back any minute. Do something!
Douglas: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear ya. Could you say it a little louder?! (typing on console) There. It's as close to the original design as I can get.
Leo: (eating from the food cart) If your micro chips are as good as your pita chips, I think we're in good shape.
(Bree walks in)
Bree: Leo, what is he doing here?
Leo: It's okay. I brought him. He's the only one who can help you.
Bree: I don't know about this.
Leo: We don't have a choice. Do you wanna be bionic or not?
(bell dings)
Douglas: Ah, chip's ready if you are. (sniffs chip) Why does it smell like pepperoni?
Bree: Okay, fine. But this better work. Wait. You're not gonna, like, turn me evil, are you?
Douglas: I already tried. Didn't take.
(Bree takes her chip and steps into her capsule)
Leo: Don't worry, Bree. I think we can trust him. What bad guy makes baba ghanoush this good?
Douglas: Got a really good feeling about this.
(Bree's chip is implanted back into her neck)
Douglas: Okay, go ahead. Test it out.
(Bree super speeds out of the room)
Leo: Yes! You did it!
(Bree super speeds back in and out)
Bree: I can't stop!
Leo: I thought you knew what you were doing!
Douglas: I'm a little rusty, okay?
(Donald walks in)
Donald: How did he get in here?
Leo: I let him in. But...before you get mad, you've got to taste this. (holds out food)
(scene changes and Bree super speeds back in and out)
Bree: Help me!
Donald: I specifically told you not to contact him. How could you betray me?
Leo: Hey, in my defense...I'm just a little boy.
Douglas: Oh, lay off the kid. He was just trying to help.
Donald: Help her? She's worse off than she was before. I was this close to fixing this.
Douglas: I saw our chip. You were not close.
Donald: (mocking) You were not close.
(Bree super speeds back in and out)
Bree: Do something!
Donald: Bree, do you mind? The adults are trying to have a conversation. We're never gonna be able to fix that chip unless we can get Bree to stay in one place.
Leo: Well, how are we supposed to stop someone running at the speed of sound?
Douglas: (snaps fingers) Spike strip?
Donald: (laughs sarcastically) Sure, why not? It worked for Wile E. Coyote.
(Bree super speeds back in and out)
Bree: Help!
Donald: Look, maybe we can construct some sort of giant air bag.
Douglas: Oh, yeah, 'cause that's not cartoony at all.
Donald: Spike strip-- where'd you get that idea, your hair?
Douglas: Where'd you get the air bag idea-- your belly?
Donald: (gasps) I'll have you know I lost that Christmas weight--
Leo: Ballistic gel!
Donald & Douglas: What?
Leo: You know, the gel that forensics labs use to test firearms.
Donald: That's not a bad idea.
Douglas: I thought it wasn't a bad idea before you did.
Donald: Spike strip.
Douglas: Air bag.
(scene changes and Leo has set up a block of ballistic gel)
Leo: Okay, it's set. Next time she runs through here, she'll get stuck in there like a rat.
(Bree super speeds in and gets stuck in the block of gel)
Bree: Yes!
Leo: It worked!
Donald & Douglas: I know, I'm a genius. (whispering) I'm a genius.
...
(outside the front door)
Chase: Hey, check it out. I gave it a boost. All I had to do was swap in a high-volume fuel pump, mount the exhaust--
Adam: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sausage. Let's ride.
(they both grab their helmets and put them on)
Chase: I don't know why Mr. Davenport didn't do this sooner. This bad boy's gonna hit 400, no problem.
(they both reach to get on the motorcycle)
Chase: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Adam: Uh, I'm driving.
Chase: You're not driving. I souped up the bike, I'm driving.
Adam: Oh, everyone knows big guy rides in the front, children in the back. You know, for their safety.
Chase: Look, I'm not just gonna sit there with my arms wrapped around you.
Adam: Yeah, well, you wouldn't be able to with those scrawny little sticks.
Chase: There's gotta be a way for the two of us to ride that's not completely embarrassing.
(scene changes and Adam is sitting on the motorcycle with Chase lying on his back)
Chase: Not working, not working. It's-- It's not working. Put me down.
Adam: Aughhh.
(scene changes and Chase is lying on the motorcycle with his feet off the back while Adam sits on top of him)
Chase: Well, this isn't it.
(scene changes and Adam is sitting normally while Chase sits in front of him with his feet dangling off the front)
Chase: Nope.
(scene changes and Adam is sitting normally while Chase sits in front of him, facing him)
Adam: Well, it made sense in my head.
(scene changes and Adam and Chase are sitting normally, Adam driving while Chase holding him from the back)
Adam: It's a classic for a reason.
(they start to drive, but are immediately flung off the motorcycle)
Adam: What happened?
Chase: It's out of gas. It goes 400 miles per hour but apparently only gets 12 inches to the gallon. Now what?
Adam: Already on it. (takes out phone) Myrtle, Adam Davenport. You're back in the mix. (louder) I said you're back in the mix. Stop hitting the buttons.
...
(in the lab)
(Bree is suspended in the air in a harness while super speeding)
Bree: Can someone please do something!?
Leo: Her heart rate's at 200 and rising, and while I'm not a doctor, I feel that's unsafe.
Donald: (to Douglas) This is all your fault! You overloaded her chip!
Douglas: My fault? It was your chip I was trying to fix, which was flawed, much like your original nose.
(Donald gasps)
Bree: Get...this chip...(yelling) out of me!
Donald: We can't remove your chip while your bionics are in use, but we can program it wirelessly with this. (attaches device to her neck)
Leo: Hurry, she's redlining! If we don't do something, her heart could--
Bree: My heart could what?!
Leo: (to Donald) What's another word for 'explode'?
Donald: I'll enable a diagnostic app that will help us isolate problem areas in the code.
Douglas: We don't have time for that. (pushes Donald away from the keyboard) I'll fix the code.
Donald: (pushes Douglas away) Oh, you've fixed enough, I've got it.
Douglas: (looks up) Oh no, what's wrong with her head?!
(Donald looks at Bree, Douglas pushes him away again and they start fighting)
Leo: Stop! (high-pitched yelling) We're running out of time!
Douglas: Wait... This line of code hasn't been debugged!
Donald: That's why her neural array keeps re-indexing.
Leo: What does that mean?!
Donald & Douglas: I solved the problem! (starts typing on console) Complex asterisk B equals no, value equals 1!
Donald: Here it goes.
(Donald & Douglas each press a button, Bree's legs slow down)
Leo: Yes! Her heart rate's going down. It's headed for normal.
Bree: (exhausted) Yay..!
(Donald & Douglas shake hands and perform a ridiculous duo-dance)
Bree: I wish my heart exploded before I saw that.
...
(in the living room)
Leo: Hey, guys, guess what?
Bree: (super-speeds to them) I'm back, losers.
Chase: You got your speed back! (hugs her)
Adam: Well, that's uh, too bad, 'cause we already moved on. (sniffs)
(Donald & Douglas enter)
Douglas: Hey boys.
Chase: Douglas? What's going on?
Leo: He fixed her chip.
Douglas: Actually, we fixed her chip. That's right. The Davenport boys, together again.
Donald: Yeah, not quite. Look, I'm grateful for your help, and I couldn't have done it without you, but I can't forgive you for what you've done to this family. You should go.
Douglas: Oh.
Chase: You can't throw your own brother out on the street.
Adam: Why not? I'd do it to you.
Donald: He's tried to hurt us too many times.
Bree: But he's also saved our lives. Twice.
Leo: Plus, dude can cook.
Douglas: Speaking of, you've eaten 60 bucks worth of my food. Pay up
Leo: You heard the man. Out!
Adam: Come on, Mr. Davenport, let the guy stay.
Chase: Give him a chance.
Bree: This isn't fair.
Douglas: Guys, it's okay. He's right. I messed up. I'll see ya around.
(Douglas leaves)
Bree: Thank you, Leo. I mean, if not for you, none of this would have ever worked out. (to Donald) And... I promise I will never do anything that stupid ever again.
Donald: It's okay. We all make mistakes. And everybody deserves a second chance.
Bree: (looks at the door where Douglas left) Everybody?
Adam: Oh, snap!
...
(in the park)
Leo: Hey, Douglas.
Chase: I don't think that's Douglas.
Adam: Yeah, she has much bigger hands.
Leo: Trust me, guys. This is no lady
Lady: Get off me!
Leo: Come on, Douglas. Ditch the mask. Where's the button on this thing?
Lady: I'm warning you, kid. Stop poking me, or you're gonna meet the wrong end of these tongs.
(Douglas pops up from behind the short wall)
Douglas: It's okay, Greta. They're with me.
Leo: Aaah! So that's Douglas.
Greta: Uh-huh.
Leo: And you're a real lady?
Greta: Uh-huh!
Leo: Help me!
Douglas: What are you guys doing here?
Donald: Uh, we...we're going on a family job. You know, Leo gets winded on the last mile, so we all have to carry him. Can't go alone. Bye.
Bree: Oh, no, you don't.
Donald: Okay, I may have been a little harsh yesterday.
Douglas: A little?
Leo: Don't push it. You're sleeping in a bush.
Douglas: Continue.
Donald: I realize that everybody deserves a second chance. Even you. So as soon as you apologize for all the things you've done to hurt our family...and say that I'm better than you, maybe you can come stay with us for a while. If you don't want to, you don't have to.
Douglas: No, no, it's...clear that you need me. So...I'm sorry. And thank you. Now let's go home.
Donald: Okay. I only brought the motorcycle, so you're gonna have to ride on back.
Douglas: That's okay. I'll just drive it.
Donald: Drive my motorcycle? I don't think so. Everybody knows the big guys rides in front.
Douglas: I'm not just sitting there with my arms wrapped around you.
Donald: I'm not crazy about it myself.
Douglas: I'm not touching your tummy!
(Donald and Douglas walk out of frame arguing)
Chase: Wow! So immature.
Adam; Yeah. Who acts like that?
...
(in the living room)
Adam: Hey, Chase, you want a snack?
Chase: Sure.
Adam: Oh, Myrtle.
(Myrtle super speeds in and hands Adam a plate of cookies)
Chase: Whoa! What did you do?
Adam: Now that Mr. Davenport fixed Bree's chip, I made a copy and stuck it in Myrtle. She thinks it's a pacemaker.
Chase: You put a chip in an old lady, and it works? Mr. Davenport is never gonna believe this.
(Chase runs out of the room, Myrtle morphs into Bree, who was wearing a cybercloak)
Bree: Did he really think you were smart enough to do that?
Adam: I'm as shocked as you are.
References[]
1. Show Me the Monday
2. New Season 3 Promo