- Tom: For those of you who don't know what VR is, I will now attempt to explain it without the aide of a teleprompter. You put a computer on your face and it's like this whole world man, it's crazy. I dated a chick who's little brother had one. Just nuts.
- Meg: Gentlemen, the going rate is $20 a game over here. Who's got a pair of stones big enough to challenge The Mighty Meg!?
- [Meg bothers a random guy, challenging him to a game of billiards]
- Meg: My money's on the table.
- Guy: Can you please get out of my way?
- Meg: Come take my money.
- Guy: [pissed off] MY HAND IS BLEEDING AND I NEED TO WASH IT SO IT DOESN'T GET INFECTED!
- [The guy leaves]
- Meg: Oh, okay. He's scurred. Everybody's scurred over here. Damn bunch of pansos over here.
- Meg: I've got my mind on my mustard and my mustard on my mind.
- Bruce: Listen, Meg. I gotta run. A special needs boy got his hands on a rum and coke and he's absolutely destroying the arcade!
- Seymour: Hey, if you've really got nothing going on I could...really use a ride home.
- Meg: Pfft. Yeah, like I'm really gunna let some...[notices how attractive Seymour is]...hot piece of ass in my car! How the Hell are you doing, boy?
- Meg: I'm Meg but everyone here calls me "Thrash".
- [A guy passes by]
- Guy: Hey, Meg.
- [Peter uses a Marvel VR headset]
- Peter: Aw, cool. Virtual Reality The Hulk.
- Joe: What's going on? What's happening?
- Peter: I don't know. It's weird. It keeps stopping and rebooting. Eric Bana, smash! Edward Norton, smash! Okay, here we go, Mark Ruffalo.
- Quagmire: Are you smashing?
- Peter: No, I'm mainly just updating my Twitter avatar to raise awareness about fracking.
- Quagmire: Oh, that's lame. Try getting angry.
- Peter: [pretentious] Oh, I don't get angry. I vote...I vote.
- Seymour: Just moved here from Philly.
- Meg: Oh, right on. I love Philly!
- Seymour: I hated it...
- Meg: Kind of a dump.
- Seymour: ...When I had to leave.
- Meg: Great town! Maybe I'm thinking of Dallas.
- [Meg struggles to open a packet of mustard]
- Meg: Sorry for all the packet racket. These things can be a little tricky.
- [Meg rips it open]
- Meg: There we go.
- [Meg drinks the mustard]
- Meg: Hoo-ha! It's that tang that gets me!
- [Seymour pulls a gun out to rob the 7-Eleven]
- Meg: I'll just do sex. You don't need that.
- Quagmire: ...[hiccup]...[hiccup]...[hiccup]...
- Joe: What's up with those hiccups?
- Quagmire: I don't know. [hiccup] I think I said "Giggity" [hiccup] too fast when the guy was [hiccup] explaining how the goggles [hiccup] sit on your face.
- [Meg comes downstairs for breakfast, after spending last night with her new boyfriend]
- Lois: Well, look who's finally up.
- Meg: Oh, I'm up alright.
- Lois: How do you want your eggs?
- Meg: Hundred and twenty miles an hour on the razor's edge between life and death.
- Lois: Okay, I'll just do like a cheesy scramble.
- Peter: Hypnosis helps with all sorts of stuff. This guy even helped me recover a traumatic repressed memory.
- [Cutaway gag to Peter buying tickets to a concert]
- Peter: One front-row ticket for Nickelback, please.
- [Back to scene]
- Peter: The music was great, but I split my black jeans during "Photograph". The bouncers had to carry me out with a napkin over my ass.
- Cleveland: My mama always said that hiccups are a sign that The Devil's got ahold of ya. If anything can drive them away, it's Reverend Lucius and like all black priests, he's Whitney Houston's uncle.
- [Peter sits in a black church with a massive church lady hat]
- Peter: He's doing hiccup stuff. I'm doing hat stuff.
- [The ladies around him all fan themselves and Peter's hat get blown up into the air, carrying him with it]
- Peter: Easy with the fans, ladies. Easy with the fans!
- [Meg puts her retainer in]
- Meg: I have to wear it or my teeth will shift.
- Seymour: That's smart. Mine have shifted. See?
- [Bored white guy goes in for a B-12 shot]
- White Guy: Hi, I'm a bored white person, looking to waste $60.
- Doctor: Well, I have a certificate from a probably like, 3 day course, which says I can inject people with stuff.
- [The doctor takes out a syringe of B-12]
- White Guy: That needle's clean, right?
- Doctor: You bet it is.
- Who Else But Quagmire? Guy: [crying at Quagmire's funeral] Ooooohohohooooo. Who else but Quagmire?
- [Chris tries to burn an ant with a magnifying glass]
- Chris: Burn! Why aren't you burning!?
- Ant: Uh, Black Irish, Chris. I never burn, only tan. Uh, hey, Kel. How's that cocktail coming along?
- Chris: Let's have a look at the sex toy drawer.
- [Chris opens Meg's sex toy drawer and it goes out very far]
- Chris: Wow, big sex toy! [breaking the fourth wall] And big savings. That's Hitachi.
- [Peter guards Jeffrey Epstein's jail cell and a couple of Russian mobsters come up]
- Russian Mobster: We would like to see prisoner.
- Peter: On who's authority?
- Russian Mobster: Your mother.
- Peter: [grouchy] Ehhhh.
- [Seymour gets back from robbing a Ross Dress for Less]
- Seymour: That store is a disaster! The ropes are next to the hand weights, [laughs] I mean, come on!
- Meg: You're not ... just using me, are you?
- Seymour: What would give you that idea?
- Meg: I don't know...Just used to being hurt, I guess.
- Seymour: Meg, in addition to being the most kick-ass getaway driver I've ever seen, I think you're the most amazing person I've ever met.
- Peter: Hey, you gotta fricking watch where you're going, ma...Chris!? What are you doing out here!?
- Chris: Uhp. You...You caught me. I uh,...I stole your car and went on a joyride. Yeah!
- [Quagmire escapes the trunk of Peter's car]
- Peter: Chris, I am very disappointed with you and you are grounded and we will talk about this after I kill my best friend.
- Lois: Well, Peter, I'm glad the gun jammed and Quagmire's still alive.
- Peter: Yep, the gun definitely jammed and I didn't miss him with all six bullets. That's for sure.
- Chris: What are we gunna do about Meg? She's upstairs having very loud sex with her imaginary boyfriend.
- Meg: [offscreen; singing] Suddenly Seymour!
- [The entire episode turned out to just be a simulation in Seymour's VR headset]
- Seymour: Wow, that Family Guy simulation was really freaky. It's like I was in the episode!
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Hard Boiled Meg's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 19 | Family Guy Season 20 | Season 21 >> | ||||||
| #01 | LASIK Instinct | #08 | The Birthday Bootlegger | #15 | Hard Boiled Meg | |||
| #02 | Rock Hard | #09 | The Fatman Always Rings Twice | #16 | Prescription Heroine | |||
| #03 | Must Love Dogs | #10 | Christmas Crime | #17 | All About Alana | |||
| #04 | 80's Guy | #11 | Mister Act | #18 | Girlfriend, Eh? | |||
| #05 | Brief Encounter | #12 | The Lois Quagmire | #19 | First Blood | |||
| #06 | Cootie & the Blowhard | #13 | Lawyer Guy | #20 | The Jersey Bore | |||
| #07 | Peterschmidt Manor | #14 | HBO-No | |||||