Beans Are From Mars/Transcript

Episode[]

Lumpus: Okay, Bean Scouts. Today we're going to cover first aid training.
[Raj groaning]
Lumpus: I know it's hot but bear with me. I'm going to go over this step by step.
[Lumpus throws the nail buffer]
Lumpus: I'm a professional, so I know this by heart. So... Ahem. Know this by heart.
[Slinkman swaps the paper]
Lumpus: First, I need one of the scout cabins to show me their knowledge of first aid.
[Camera pointed at Dave, Ping Pong and Lemmings]
Lumpus: Pinto Bean cabin?
[Lazlo came in front]
Lazlo: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Jelly Bean! Jelly Bean!
[Camera pointed at Chip, Skip and Samson]
Lumpus: Kidney Beans?
[Lazlo came in front again]
Lazlo: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh! Jelly! Jelly, Jelly, Jelly, Jelly, Jelly!
[Lumpus groans in annoyance]
Lazlo: Oh, Jelly Bean! Jelly, Jelly! Jelly Bean!
Lumpus: All right, Jelly--
Lazlo: Jelly Bean cabin reporting for duty, Sir.
Lumpus: OK. Bean Scout Bernie has a stomachache. What do you do?
[Lumpus gives the doll to Lazlo, Lazlo then cried]
Lazlo: Someone call 911!
Lumpus: It's just a stomachache.
Lazlo: Oh. Um, yeah. Clam, elevate his legs. Raj, check for dilated pupils.
Raj: Aye, aye. [shakes the pupils]
Raj: His puplis are dilated... And Googly.
Lazlo: [gasps] I'd better to do the Heimlich! Clear! [punches the doll abdomen, causing the head to be detached and fly, later accompanied by ice cream music]
Bean Scouts: Ice cream! [ice cream man comes out of the woods] Ice cream man!
Chip and Skip: Yuminy, Yiminy! Ice cream man! [run toward a wall] Unh! Ice cream man! Ice cream man! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!
[Camera cuts towards Dave, Ping Pong and Lemmings running to get the ice cream]
Lumpus: Wait a minute. Hold it. Slinkman, will you please? [Slinkman pushes the chair towards the Bean Scouts] Where do you think you're going?
Dave: We're just getting some ice cream.
Lemming: It's so hot, Scoutmaster. Couldn't you just--
Lumpus: Back, back, back. No one gets ice cream until first aid is over.
Lazlo: Oh, Scoutmaster Lumpus?
Lumpus: Uh, Slinkman... [Slinkman turns the chair around] Yes? What is it?
Lazlo: We did it! I think he's gonna be OK.
[Camera pointed toward the doll as his pupils fall off]
Lumpus: Keep practicing.
[The scene cuts to Acorn Flats as the Squirrel Scouts are enjoying the ice cream]
Patsy: Ahh. There's nothing like a little bit of ice cream to help cool off on a hot summer's day. Mmm! Mmm!
Nina: Affirmative, Patsy, and nothing goes better with ice cream than a fine piece of classic literature.
Chip and Skip: Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! [Their tongues attach at the back of the van] Unh, oof! [The van drives off] Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!
Patsy: Miss Mucus, why are boys so weird?
Nina: Yeah.
Gretchen: [Belch] And gross, too.
Miss Mucus: Because they're from Mars.
Nina: Mars? [runs and quickly reading the book]
Patsy: Miss Mucus is just teasing us.
Miss Mucus: You girls can believe what you want, but I have yet to meet a man that I knew for a fact wasn't completely from another planet.
Nina: I don't know, Patsy. The evidence is quite compelling. Most if not all of the male characters in my statistically male dominated science fiction collection are aliens.
Patsy: Well, Lazlo is no alien. [draws Lazlo]
Nina: Looks can be deceiving, Patsy. Beneath that seemingly passive and zen-like monkey exterior might lie [Patsy draws alien helmet on Lazlo] a strange visitor from another planet. Face it, Patsy. Facts are facts.
Gretchen: I bet his kisses send you into orbit. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Patsy: [Patsy throws ice cream at Gretchen] Can it, Gretchen. Well, you're both wrong and I'll prove it. 3 of us are going to pay Jelly Cabin a visit tonight, and we'll settle whether or not boys are aliens once and for all. Squirrel Scout's honor!
Nina and Gretchen: Squirrel Scout's honor.
[Inside Jelly Cabin]
Lazlo: OK, Jelly Cabin. You heard Dr. Lumpus. We've got to get it right. Quick, Dr. Raj, Diagnosis.
Raj: I--I do not know. He looks very hot. Maybe he needs some water.
Lazlo: [gasp] He's got heat frustration. Code red! Code red! Clear the trauma ward! [soaks the doll in the water]
Lazlo: Patient still appears aquatic and unresponsive. [The doll's head falls down] Patient is flat-lining! Quick, Dr. Raj, call obstetrics and prep for surgery!
Raj: But I have not even scrubbed yet. [The doll hits Raj] Eee! Aah!
Lazlo: Ready for shock therapy. [rubs the shoes against each other, creating static electric shock] Clear! [defibs the doll causing the eyes to googly] [Sigh] Patient's eyes are googly again.
Raj: Oh, yes. Very well done, Dr. Lazlo.
Clam: Well done! Well done!
Raj: Hey, Lazlo, how did you do that sparkly thing?
Lazlo: Easy. You just get some friction going. [rubs the shoes] And Volia! [hits it at himself] Ta-da!
Raj: Wow!
Clam: Heh heh heh!
Raj: You mean like this?
Clam: And this?
Raj and Clam: Ooh! Aah! [Camera zooms out showing Patsy, Nina and Gretchen sneaking towards the cabin]
Patsy: All right. This looks about right. Let's settle this once and for all. Gretchen, your nail file. [Gretchen hands her nail file to Patsy who cuts a hole under the cabin]
Gretchen: OK, Neckerly, you're up. [Nina goes into the totem pole, looking at the electrocuted Jelly Beans]
Raj: Ooh!
Lazlo: Aah! [Nina gasps]
Patsy: What is it, Nina?
Nina: They can't be!
Gretchen: Who can't be?
Nina: The Bean Scouts. They're--
Patsy: They're what? Nina!
Nina: Electroid Space Borgs. They've come to blow up the earth, just like in my book.
Patsy: Electroid Space Borgs?
Gretchen: Cool! Let me see.
Patsy: Me, too! Me, too! [Gretchen and Patsy went into the totem pole and the Jelly Beans are flying]
Lazlo, Raj and Clam: Ooh! Ooh! Ahh!
Patsy: Lazlo's an alien! [cries]
Gretchen: Patsy, calm down! And get your foot out of my nose. [Patsy, Nina and Gretchen crash and fall off the totem pole]
Raj: What was that?
Lazlo: I don't know but... Let's recharge! [The scene cuts to Acorn Flats' tower as Patsy is crying]
Patsy: [crying] I never thought my Lazlo could be... an alien. [continues crying]
Nina: But Patsy, he's not just any alien. He's a... "an electroid space borg that feasts off the host planet's population." [Patsy slaps the book out of Nina's hands]
Patsy: That's enough! OK. OK. I can accept that Lazlo and the Beans are aliens, but I'm a Squirrel Scout, and what is the one thing that Squirrel Scouts won't accept?
Nina: Uh... Getting their brains eaten by electroid space borgs?
Patsy: Let's get 'em, girls! [The Squirrel Scouts then kidnap Lazlo, Raj and Clam]
Raj: Help!
Raj: Who are you?
Clam: What do you want?
Lazlo: [sniffing] And why do you smell so nice?
Patsy: Hee, hee, hee!
Gretchen: Shut your traps.
Raj: How--how can they smell so nice and be so mean?
Gretchen: [turns on a flashlight] Tell us your plans, you disgusting aliens.
Lazlo: Aliens? We don't know what you're talking about.
Patsy: Do you think we're gonna fall for that?
Gretchen: We're too smart.
Nina: You said it, Gretchen. Uh, ahem. I mean, number 3.
Lazlo: Aah! Squirrel Scouts!
Clam: Hey, Squirrel Sc-- [Lazlo blocks Clam from speaking]
Lazlo: Let me handle this. I have a plan.
Gretchen: I heard that! What plan are you talking about?
Lazlo: Our plan to take over the world, of course. [Squirrel Scouts gasp]
Gretchen: I knew it!
Lazlo: And we will begin by eating everyone's brains.
Nina: Our brains? We love our brains.
Gretchen: You better call off your invasion because we're keeping our brains.
Lazlo: No one can call off the plan except... the leader!
Squirrel Scouts: Aah!
Gretchen: Hey! Give me that! [passes the flashlight to Patsy and then Nina]
Nina: Take us to your leader. Ha! I have always wanted to say that. [The Jelly Beans comes back to the cabin, constructing the leader and giving the music atmosphere]
Squirrel Scouts: Yah! It's the alien leader!
Lazlo: Hee hee hee! [makes the electric shock and passes it to the leader]
[The Squirrel Scouts scream]
Lazlo: Oh, fearful leader.
The Leader: Who dares approach me? [imitates the leader's voice]
Lazlo: It's just me, Lazlo the alien.
The Leader: State your business, or I'll melt your face off!
Lazlo: Bag ladies from earth have discovered our plan.
The Leader: No matter! We will still carry out our plan to take over the world, and we'll start by eating the brains of... the bag people! [The Squirrel Scouts scream]
The Leader: Because they smell so good.
Nina: [crying] But I like my brain! I like it!
Patsy: I love your brain, too! [crying] [Gretchen throws the bag mask off]
The Leader: Hey, who's out there?
Gretchen: We're just Squirrel Scouts.
Patsy: With unflavorful Squirrel brains.
Nina: Isn't there anything else that would appease your hunger?
The Leader: Well, there is one thing. [Snickers]
[Lazlo laughing and in the next morning]
Jelly Beans: Mmm, mmm!
Raj: It is even better that I imagined it would be. [slurping]
Lazlo: It's so cold, I can see my breath. [exhales] Hey, what's wrong with Clam?
[Camera pointed towards Clam as he got brain freeze]
Raj: Oh, ho, ho! He has what we call the brain freeze. [he also got the brain freeze] Mmmph! Mmmph!
Lazlo: Ha ha ha! Brain freeze! [Lazlo also got the brain freeze]
[The Squirrel Scouts laugh outside]
Gretchen: Be careful.
Nina: Your faces could stick that way.
Patsy: Especially since you just ate 16 gallons of frozen glue.
Nina: And, uh, everyone knows that aliens don't eat ice cream.
Lazlo: Oh, yeah? Let's recharge. [recharges himself]
[The Squirrel Scouts scream as the scene fades to black]