Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Matt Vogel: Constantine, Floyd Pepper, Sweetums, Pops, Robin, Lew Zealand, Crazy Harry, 80's Robot, Camilla, Uncle Deadly
Photos
Quotes
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Constantine : My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!
Dominic Badguy : You mean our names, right?
Constantine : Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.
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[Constantine is watching tapes of Kermit to study him]
Jim Henson as Kermit : [from The Muppet Show] It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest, Lynn Redgrave! Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!
[pauses the tape]
Constantine : Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-esss!
Jim Henson as Kermit : [from Sesame Street] Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here...
[pauses]
Constantine : Hi-lo, Kyer-mit thee Frog heere.
Jim Henson as Kermit : [from The Muppet Movie] The lovers, the dreamers and me-e-e-e!
[pauses]
Constantine : Thee louvers, thee dreemers and chee-e-e-e-e-se!
[smirks]
Constantine : Nailed it.
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Constantine : [Pretending to be Kermit] A heartwarming lesson about sharing or waiting your turn or the number three.
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Constantine : It's time to light the lights.
[Detonates explosives]
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Miss Piggy : You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!
[beats up Constantine]
Miss Piggy : [in between punches] NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!
Constantine : [dazed] What a woman...
Kermit : Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!
[smacks Constantine with his mole]
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Fozzie Bear : [after they discover 'Kermit''s true identity, they scream in horror] We gotta get outta here!
Walter : Yeah!
[But as they attempt to leave, Constantine is right in front of them]
Constantine : Not so fast...
Walter : Where's Kermit?
Fozzie Bear : Wh-wh-what do you want?
Constantine : You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.
[He prepares to attack them karate style. But then Animal attacks Constantine from above]
Animal : Bad frog!
Fozzie Bear , Walter : Animal! Good shot!
Animal : Thank you.
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Miss Piggy : Ich bin ein berliner.
Floyd Pepper : More like "Ein frankfurter".
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Sam Eagle : Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!
Constantine : We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?
Constantine : From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!
Sam Eagle : Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?
Constantine : My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Monsieur, we know you did the crime!
Constantine : I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!
Sam Eagle , Jean Pierre Napoleon : Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!
[Gonzo enters to be interrogated]
Sam Eagle : Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?
Gonzo : I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?
Gonzo : I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.
Sam Eagle : The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.
Gonzo : If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Madame, are you willing to corroborate?
Camilla : Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!
Sam Eagle : Will someone get this chicken out of here?
Gonzo : Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!
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Constantine : It's not easy being mean.
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[Fozzie climbs on top of Floyd Pepper]
Floyd Pepper : Hey, watch the hair, bear!
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Dominic Badguy : [passing Constantine off as Kermit] Flawlessly executed. Bravo.
Constantine : What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two?
Dominic Badguy : Yeah, I know. You're number one, I'm number two. I think you mentioned that before.
Constantine : Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, phase one of our plan is complete. We are now positioned to carry out greatest...
[mumbling]
Constantine : ...burgle... blurgh-el... burgle...
Dominic Badguy : Burglary.
Constantine : Yes. Of all time and pin it on those gullible Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars.
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[Constantine tries to escape in a helicopter]
Constantine : Something's wrong! We're not moving!
[the Muppets have made a ladder out of themselves to stop the copter]
Constantine : You are ruining my getaway!
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Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel
Beaker : [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : Let's give it a shot,
Kermit : All we need now is a half-decent plot...
Gonzo : Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.
Gonzo : [the scenery falls over] I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".
Camilla : [Camilla clucks]
Kermit : Does anybody have any other ideas?
Fozzie Bear : Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!
Kermit : Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?
Miss Piggy : It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!
Kermit : Uh...
Swedish Chef : [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish] How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?
Kermit : I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.
Dominic Badguy : [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself] Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?
Kermit : [Kermit gasps in surprise] That's perfect!
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Dominic Badguy : Have you studied your Kermit tapes yet?
Constantine : Of course not. This is child's play for frog of my talent.
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Constantine : [singing] I'm number one/You're number two/We're criminals at large/But I'm at larger than you/I'm number one/You're number two/I believe in equality/As long as you get less than me/I'm one.
Dominic Badguy : You're one.
Constantine : You're number two.
Dominic Badguy : I'm number two.
Constantine : You may think that you're smarter/But I'm smarter than you/I'm number one/You're number two/You're lucky to be number two/Not number three/I can see by the look in your eye/You want to get a bigger piece of the pie/One day, you'll get your chance/But in the meantime, you've got to dance, monkey, dance!
Dominic Badguy : Really? I hate dancing.
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Dominic Badguy : Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit, just back from his afternoon stroll.
Constantine : Hi-lo! I am Kermit.
Dominic Badguy : He's got a cold. That's why his voice sounds a little bit different at the moment.
[the other Muppets all mutter in agreement, and Constantine fakes a hacking cough]
Dominic Badguy : See? Just calm down. Just relax.
Constantine : You are right. Dominic is terrific!
Dominic Badguy : Aw.
Constantine : From now on, let's do whatever he says. Hmm?
Fozzie Bear : Wow, that walk must have really helped.
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Constantine : [after passing out from stage fright] What is happening? Why am I flying? Whoa.
[the audience gasps as he falls out of his "O" and lands on the stage]
Miss Piggy : What the...?
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Nadya : We have annual lighthearted Gulag Revue coming up. It is that or they riot. I thought you might help me.
Kermit the Frog : Uh... well, the thing is, Nadya, I'm sort of done doing that, but thanks for the offer.
Nadya : This is not offer. This is prison. You are going to help me. Rehearsals tomorrow, 4:00 a.m. Or I put you on the Wall.
Kermit the Frog : The Wall? W-Why would I be afraid of a wall?
[outside in the snow, she licks his back and throws him onto a wall with other prisoners]
Pops : Just direct the show. You'll never escape.
Kermit the Frog : Uh... what time did you say that rehearsal was?
[she yanks him off]
Kermit the Frog : Ouch!
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Scooter : We were all wondering, what's the set list for tomorrow, chief?
Constantine : Mm, I don't care. Do whatever you want.
Miss Piggy : What?
Floyd Pepper : Is he serious?
The Great Gonzo : Um, uh, Kermit, could I do indoor running of the bulls?
Constantine : Sure, Zongo. Who cares?
The Great Gonzo : Wow! Thank you, Kermit!
Miss Piggy : Kermie, if he can do his thing, why can't I sing my five songs?
Constantine : Well... you can. Who cares?
Scooter : We don't have time for all this stuff. We're up to, like, a three-hour show, Kermit.
Constantine : You are forgetting one thing, small man with glasses. I can give you what you want.
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Dominic Badguy : What's wrong? You only ever knit when you're stressed.
Constantine : The bear, the little guy, and their dog, they are onto us. They got away.
Dominic Badguy : How are we gonna spin this?
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Scooter : We've all been thinking, and, uh... well, after you and Miss Piggy get married, what's gonna happen to the tour?
The Great Gonzo : And to us?
Constantine : Well, now you guys have all the freedom you want. You don't need me. I'm done with Muppets.
[they all react in surprise]
Constantine : But, hey, it's been a good run, right? Hmm? Good luck.
Floyd Pepper : [watching him leave] Kermit!
Rowlf the Dog : Did, uh... did he just say what I thought he said?
Scooter : What are we gonna do without Kermit?
Floyd Pepper : The only thing we can do. Pack up, go to the wedding, and head back home.
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[Constantine sees Dominic in an animal suit]
Constantine : Number Two, you look ridiculous! Why are you wearing that?
Dominic Badguy : Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new No 1 Criminal! That's right, this is where I double-cross you!
Constantine : First rule of double-cross: you don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule, because it's so obvious!
[blows up Dominic]
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Dominic Badguy : I'm number two/He's number one/I can't believe I'm working for an amphibian/I'm number two/He's number one.
Constantine : I'm number one!
Dominic Badguy : You know life's gone to the dogs/When your boss is a frog/I can see it's just a matter of time/Before he's gone and I'm at the front of the line/It won't be long 'til I get my chance/But in the meantime, I've got to dance, monkey, dance.
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Constantine : I'm number one.
Dominic Badguy : He's number one.
Constantine : You're number two.
Dominic Badguy : I'm number two.
Constantine : Now, that's it, kid/There you go/Now step aside/This ain't your show/I'm one.
Dominic Badguy : [mimicking] "I'm one."
Constantine : I'm number one.
Dominic Badguy : Yes, we know.
Constantine : I'm...
Dominic Badguy : He's...
Dominic Badguy , Constantine : Number one!
Constantine : [tap-dancing on Dominic's head] That's how it's done.
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Constantine : Once you have stolen the Crown Jewels and framed the Muppets, ring the tower bell five times and we will rendezvous on the roof.
Dominic Badguy : But what will you do when you're married? Because the pig'll know everything.
Constantine : Once she's served her purpose, kaboom. It will be bacon for breakfast.
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Constantine : Comrades, I'm afraid I have bad news. Walter and Fonzie have quit the Muppets.
Lew Zealand : [the group gasps] Wait. You can quit the Muppets?
Rowlf the Dog : Wait a second. Walter quit the Muppets? We just did a whole movie where he joined the Muppets.
Floyd Pepper : Yeah, we sure spent a lot of time on it.
Rizzo the Rat : Ha! I'll say. Maybe even at the expense of other long-standing, beloved Muppets. Come on, Robin.
Robin : [following him out] Coming.
Constantine : Well, as the old saying goes... the show must continue, in a timely fashion.
The Great Gonzo : Wait. Fozzie and Walter are part of our family. We can't let them go without a fight.
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Miss Piggy : Kermit... I'm in the middle of a song here!
Constantine : Miss Piggy. I have very important question for you.
Miss Piggy : Yeah?
[he get down on one knee]
Miss Piggy : What are you doing?
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Beefeater Vicar : Do you, Kermit the Frog, take Miss Piggy to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, so help you God?
Constantine : Yes. Yes, I do.
Beefeater Vicar : And do you, Miss Piggy...
Miss Piggy : Hmm?
Beefeater Vicar : ...take Kermit the Frog to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, so help you God?
Miss Piggy : I...
[one group of attendees gasp and lean forward]
Miss Piggy : I...
[the other group of attendees do the same]
Constantine : Just say "I do." This is what you've always wanted, right?
Miss Piggy : I do?
Beefeater Vicar : I'm sorry, is that a question?
Constantine : No, it was not a question.
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Miss Piggy : Well, there's only one true way to settle this. First Kermit. Will you marry me?
Constantine : Yes, of course, let's go! The helicopter is waiting, my love!
Miss Piggy : And you, the other Kermit... will you marry me?
Kermit the Frog : [stammering] Well, I mean, I... I would. I mean, I could. It's...
Miss Piggy : That's my Kermit!
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Constantine : [breaking into the Irish National Bank] Do you have evidence to frame the bear?
[Dominic holds up Fozzie's rubber chicken]
Constantine : Excellent.
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Sam Eagle : Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume. That's adorable!
Dominic Badguy : I'm not adorable.
Sam Eagle : He *is* adorable.
Constantine : You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?
Rowlf the Dog : The bad guy is Dominic Badguy!
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Dominic Badguy : [searching for Colonel Blood's key] Where is it?
Constantine : It's got to be here somewhere. Keep smashing, Number Two.
Dominic Badguy : What do you think I'm doing? I'm smashing.
Constantine : Where is that key?
Dominic Badguy : [picking up a statue] The last one. It better be in here.
Constantine : He looks a little bit like you, Number Two.
Dominic Badguy : [smashing it] Colonel Blood's key.
Constantine : Hmm. Nice of him to label it.
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[deleted scene]
Miss Piggy : This ring, it's so... so black. It's a little ominous, to tell the truth.
Constantine : It's a very rare black diamond. That ring is priceless like you, my dear.
Miss Piggy : Oh, Kermie, you've never said that to me be...
[Something dawns on her]
Miss Piggy : ... fore?
[Constantine shoves her to the front of the stage. She eyes him with suspicion]
Miss Piggy : What's gotten into you?
Constantine : Love, my dear. Love.
[Miss Piggy looks at Constantine with alarm before turning to face the press once more]