Meet the Feebles (1989)

Peter Vere-Jones: Bletch, Arthur the Worm, Baker, Paperboy, Announcer

Quotes 

• Warthog : This is a lovely golf course, I'm tempted to join the club meself.

  Bletch : No chance of that I'm afraid, Cedric.

  Warthog : You mean they discriminate against Scots?

  Bletch : No, they just don't want assholes in the clubhouse.

• Sebastian : Don't worry if you feel ashamed / It's been around for years / And thousands more that can't be named / Are interested in rears / Don't worry about hell / No harm will come to your soul / We're not a Pentecostal / And everybody's got an asshole / SODOMY!

  Bletch : Trevor...

  Trevor : Yeah boss?

  Bletch : I want that fudge packer eliminated!

• Bletch : [Heading to the golf course]  Hey Barry, how's your handicap?

  Barry the Bulldog : She's at home boss. Baking a cake.

  [All laugh] 

• Bletch : Oh, shit! I was just about to pop my cookies!

• Bletch : Do you really think people are interested in nasal sex?

  Trevor : Sure, boss. It's the next big fad.

• Bletch : Have you thought of a name for it, yet?

  Trevor : I was thinking along the lines of..."Dennis does Daisy".

  Bletch : No. That's lousy.

  Trevor : How about..."Anal Antics"?

  Bletch : "Anal Antics"... yes. It will appeal to the intellectuals. Do you think it will do as well as our last release and win the Hooker Prize?

• [last lines] 

  Arthur the worm : Miss Heidi. I know you're a real star and all that. But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to dob you in.

  Heidi : Could you do one last thing Arthur?

  Arthur the worm : Anything, Miss Heidi.

  Heidi : Play the Garden of Love.

• Trevor : [to everyone in dressing room]  I say, everyone! Who's the dirty person who did the great, big, stinky poo that's blocking up the toilet?

  The Sheep : [disgusted]  God, Trevor! Must you be so disgusting?

  F. W. Fly : [overhearing]  Oh, Joyce!

  [flies off to the bathroom. Entering the bathroom, Bletch grabs him] 

  F. W. Fly : Hey! What's you doing? Let me go!

  Bletch : You've been telling stories again, haven't you?

  F. W. Fly : [frightened]  You've got a problem with the article? Write to the editor.

  Bletch : That won't be necessary.

  F. W. Fly : Help me!

  [Bletch rips his right wing off, Fly screams] 

  Trevor : [watching with interest]  Well, what do you know, boss? A left winged reporter.

  Bletch : We can't have a biased press, can we Trevor?

  Trevor : No, boss.

  [Bletch rips Fly's other wing off, Fly screams, Bletch flushes Fly down toilet] 

  Bletch : Now that's what I call an impartial journalist.

  [he and Trevor laugh and left the bathroom] 

• Heidi : [as Bletch prepares himself a glass of champagne, Heidi appears in his office]  Hello, Bletch.

  [turns on lamp] 

  Bletch : Heidi, what the hell are you doing here?

  Heidi : Congratulations. The show was a wonderful success.

  Bletch : What do you want?

  Heidi : Our encounter this afternoon was so brief! I thought you might like a second helping.

  [takes her dress off] 

  Bletch : Heidi! For Christ's sake, put your dress back on!

  Heidi : Come and sit next to me.

  Bletch : If it's too hot for you, I can turn on the air conditioning!

  Heidi : I'm hot Bletch, but not the way you think.

  [wiggles her body on couch, Bletch looks away in disgust] 

  Heidi : You're not feeling shy, are you Bletch?

  [takes her bras off and approaches Bletch] 

  Heidi : Do you remember that time in Paris? We didn't leave the hotel for three whole days!

  Bletch : I remember all right. I had to go to the hospital with severe chafing.

  Heidi : Kiss me, Bletch.

  [Bletch slaps her away from him] 

  Bletch : Get away from me, you shuddering, mound of blubber! Have you any idea how revolting you look?

  Heidi : [shocked]  Bletch! No!

  Bletch : You disgust me! Look at you! You're old and you're fat, and you smell... BAD!

  Heidi : No!

  [collapses at the door] 

  Bletch : I was going to wait till after the show, but I might as well tell you now. You through with the Feebles! I don't need you! I've got a syndicated series... and I'm grooming Samantha to be the star.

  Heidi : [heartbroken]  No.

  Bletch : I hope you enjoyed tonight. That was your last performance!

  [throws Heidi's dress in her face] 

  Bletch : Now get out of here!

  [Heidi runs out of the office in tears] 

• Trevor : [sees Mr. Big rise from the water in front of Bletch's limo]  Christ! It's Mr. Big!

  Mr. Big the Whale : Hello, Bletch. Where are you going?

  Bletch : I'm taking what's mine. Don't try to stop us!

  Mr. Big the Whale : You're out of your league, little fella! Kiss your arse goodbye!

  [laughs maniacally] 

  Bletch : [to Trevor]  Take him out, Trevor.

  [Trevor drives the limo through Mr. Big's mouth and down his throat, making him choke] 

  Bletch : Change down Trevor, the duodenum's pretty steep.

  [Trevor continues to drive the limo through Mr. Big's stomach, some goo splashes on Bletch] 

  Trevor : Which way, boss? Left or right?

  Bletch : Follow the light.

  [Trevor drives the limo towards the light and out through Mr. Big's rectum. Mr. Big groans and dies] 

  Bletch : Get me back to the theater double quick!

  Trevor : Sure thing, boss.

  Bletch : I'll have to change my suit. I'm covered in ambergris.

• Bletch : [last words]  Oh, shit!

  [Heidi blows his brains out with her gun]