- Bailiff: All rise! Court is in session!
- Coward: All hail our court, the most humane court in the world!
- [Comrade Saakhov is negotiating with Nina's uncle to buy her as his bride. Her uncle demands 25 rams. Saakhov pretests that the region has not yet met the Soviet quota for fleeces]
- Nina's uncle: Aren't you confusing your own fleece with the State's?
- comrade Saakhov: I, among other things, Comrade Jabrial, was appointed here to watch over State interests. You'd better sit down.
- comrade Saakhov: I admit my mistakes.
- Nina: The mistakes should not be admitted. They should be washed off... with blood!
- Rabotnik gostinitsy: My great granddad says: I have a wish to buy a house but I've no means. I've means to buy a goat but I've no wish. May our wishes always match our means.
- Administrator gostinitsy: When the flock flew southward for winter, one small but proud bird said: "I'm flying to the sun." It soared up but soon it singed its wings and fell into a very deep canyon. May none of us, no matter how high we fly, break ties... with the work collective.
- Shashlichnik: The infuriated princess hung herself on her own plait, 'cause he said how many grains were in the bag and how many drops in the sea and how many stars in the sky. Here's to cybernetics!
- Nina: I'm Nina.
- Nina's uncle: She's a student at a teachers training college.
- comrade Saakhov: She'll teach our successors.
- Nina's uncle: An A-student, a Young Communist, an athlete.
- Nina: Uncle knows everything about me.
- comrade Saakhov: An A-student and a Young Communist. Just what we need.
- comrade Saakhov: You have a wrong idea about our parts. As we all know, Kuzbass is... national smithy. Kuban is a national granary. And the Caucasus is a national what?
- Shurik: Health resort!
- comrade Saakhov: Wrong! It's a national smithy, granary and health resort.
- Nina's uncle: Have a heart! You're getting a wife, not a goat. She's a student, a Young Communist, and athlete and a beauty... all for 25 sheep. It's absurd to haggle.
- Nina's uncle: The custom prescribes doing it naturally. The bride will offer resistance, she'll kick, bite, call the police, cry "I'm going to complain to authorities!" You ignore her, it's a fine custom.
- Shurik: I see. Not to worry, it will all be natural.
- Shurik: What is the ritual called?
- Nina's uncle: Abduction of the bride.
- Shurik: Abduction?
- Nina's uncle: Not quite. The bride wants to be abducted. Her parents don't mind. According to our custom, the bride should be stolen before registration.
- Shurik: Stolen? It's a beautiful custom. Where do I come in?
- Nina's uncle: Catch the bride.
- Shurik: Catch...
- Nina's uncle: Shove her into the bag.
- Shurik: The bag? Is it the custom too? Fantastic!
- Nina's uncle: And give her to whom?
- Shurik: The enamoured man.
- Nina's uncle: Nope. Friends of the enamoured man.
- Shurik: Oh, friends!
- Nina's uncle: Such is the custom.
- Experienced: This not your lezginka. This is twist. I show you all over again. Press the butt with the toe of your right foot. The toe of your left foot presses the second butt, now press the two butts at once.
- Shurik: What did he say?
- Nina's uncle: He says if you refuse, they'll knife you. That's a joke.
- Balbes: Joke.
- Shurik: A joke. Okay.