- [first lines]
- Dreyfus: [answers phone] Commissioner Dreyfus... Ah, yes, my darling... I was just about to call you. I'm on my way. I've got the cheese and the beaujolais... What?
- [laughs]
- Dreyfus: ... My love. Kiss the children for me, hmm?
- [intercom buzzes]
- Dreyfus: Hold on.
- [covers phone mouthpiece; answers intercom]
- Dreyfus: Yes?
- intercom: Your wife is on the other line.
- Dreyfus: Tell her I'm out of town.
- Maria Gambrelli: You can have one of my cigarettes.
- Clouseau: Oh, thank you.
- Maria Gambrelli: You have it in backwards.
- Clouseau: Oh... it tastes very bad that way.
- [Accusing a suspect, millionaire Benjamin Ballon]
- Clouseau: And I submit, Inspector Ballon, that you arrived home, found Miguel with Maria Gambrelli, and killed him in a rit of fealous jage!
- Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game.
- [Arriving at Camp Sunshine]
- Clouseau: I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.
- Camp Attendant: Not unless you take off your clothes...
- Clouseau: You, sir, are under arrest.
- Camp Attendant: Arrest? What for?
- Clouseau: For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.
- Camp Attendant: Lewd and suggestive remarks?
- Clouseau: Also for indecent exposure. Doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here?
- Camp Attendant: No!
- Clouseau: What?
- Camp Attendant: This is a nudist colony!
- Clouseau: [steps back in shock] ... a nudist colony?
- Camp Attendant: Right, and nobody gets in unless they take their clothes off!
- Clouseau: What, erm, all of them?
- Camp Attendant: All of them, right down to your mustache.
- Clouseau: And... they were your fingerprints!
- Benjamin Ballon: Well, why not? It's my house. I've often been in that closet.
- Clouseau: For what reason?
- Benjamin Ballon: Last time was moths.
- Clouseau: "Meuths"?
- Benjamin Ballon: [very clearly] Moths!
- Clouseau: Yes, "meuths."
- Benjamin Ballon: Maria was complaining of "murths."
- [frowns at himself]
- Clouseau: "Meurths"? Is that right, Maria, that - that you were complaining about these "meuths"?
- Maria Gambrelli: Yes, I did complain about moths.
- Clouseau: Oh, you mean "meuths"!
- Benjamin Ballon: I admit to the affair. But, to kill for her? Would you kill for her?
- Clouseau: Of course! Eh, not.
- Clouseau: [after getting his hand caught in a spinning globe] Look at that. I have Africa all over my hand.
- Dreyfus: [a car bomb has just killed the killers. Dreyfus refers to four other killings] A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack! And now six more innocent people!
- Clouseau: They were all murderers, except Maurice, who was a blackmailer, Commissioner!
- Dreyfus: [whimpering] Compared with you they were all saints!
- Dreyfus: [chuckles and whimpers] He released her again, and he's taking her out to dinner to dinner. Every paper in Paris has the story, including the Christian Science Monitor, and he gave them the story! You see, he claims she's protecting her lover, and the best way to force him into the open is to make him jealous. Jealous! That nincompoop! That megalomaniac! He's setting the science of criminal investigation back a thousand years, and I can't do anything about it!
- The Psycho-Analyst: Why not?
- Dreyfus: Why not? What if he's right?
- Maria Gambrelli: You should get out of these clothes immediately! You'll catch your death of pneumonia, you will.
- Clouseau: Yes, I suppose I probably will. But it's all part of life's rich pageant, you know.
- [Clouseau has entered a house soaking wet]
- Clouseau: That stupid driver of mine parked too close to the fountain.
- [Hercule enters Clouseau's office after Clouseau summons him]
- Clouseau: What do you want?
- Hercule LaJoy: You sent for me.
- Clouseau: Of course I sent for you!
- Maria Gambrelli: What are we going to do?
- Clouseau: We must do something. We can't leave here without our clothes.
- Maria Gambrelli: But, I'm getting cold. Just look at those goose pimples!
- Clouseau: Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat...
- [snaps his pointing stick]
- Clouseau: You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?
- Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
- Clouseau: What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.
- Hercule LaJoy: How do you know that?
- Clouseau: Instinct!
- Hercule LaJoy: But that facts...
- Clouseau: You are forgetting the most important fact - motive.
- Hercule LaJoy: He beat her.
- Clouseau: He was Spanish!
- Hercule LaJoy: He tore her dress off.
- Clouseau: Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?
- Hercule LaJoy: No, I suppose not.
- Clouseau: No, of course not! No, no. No, there is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, Hercule. Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody. Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer. And I shall find the murderer before the day is out. Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.
- Maria Gambrelli: Promise me.
- Clouseau: What darling?
- Maria Gambrelli: Afterwards, you will not smoke.
- Clouseau: I give you my word as an officer and a gentleman. also a policeman.
- Clouseau: Now, then, there's something that I am very interested to know, this room is - - What happened? What?
- Dominique Ballon: You fell off the sofa, you stupid...
- Clouseau: I know I fell off the sofa, Madame. There's no need to tell me! Everything I do is carefully planned, Madame. I know that! Now then, eh? What was I saying?
- Clouseau: Uh... What was I saying? Uh... Listen, you, you daydreaming fool, what are you doing there? I mean, can't you pay attention when I'm talking? Don't know know what I was saying? You're not listening to me.
- Maurice: With the greatest respect, monsieur, I heard every word that you said.
- Clouseau: Would you be kind enough to tell me what it was that I said?
- Maurice: You were talking about the closet, monsieur...
- Clouseau: Uhhh, yes?
- Maurice: You were saying that when the closet door was open, Maria received a bump on the head, and from that that you inferred that someone had been hiding in the closet, monsieur...
- Clouseau: Yes, she received a bump on - And, listen, monsieur, next time I may test you without warning!
- Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts. Behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule, let us examine these facts:...
- [holding up one finger]
- Clouseau: One, she was found with the murder weapon in her hand...
- Clouseau: [holding up three fingers]
- Clouseau: Two, the murder weapon was fresh with blood... .
- [holding up four fingers]
- Clouseau: Three, there were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other than hers...
- [holding up all five fingers]
- Clouseau: And four, all the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?
- Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.
- Clouseau: You are an idiot, only a fresh faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.
- Hercule LaJoy: But the facts...
- Clouseau: Listen, who even killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now, what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.
- Hercule LaJoy: Well, who do you suspect?
- Clouseau: I suspect everyone.
- Hercule LaJoy: Well... I suppose that is possible.
- Clouseau: Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.
- Clouseau: Now, supposing you tell me what happened?
- Maria Gambrelli: He was having difficulty with the buttons.
- Clouseau: Buttons?
- Maria Gambrelli: The buttons on my dress.
- Clouseau: Well, you know that is very strange. Because, there are no buttons on this dress.
- Maria Gambrelli: Well, that is because he was having difficulty with them. So, he just tore the dress off.
- Clouseau: He attacked you.
- Maria Gambrelli: Oh, no! I would have helped him; but, he couldn't wait. The buttons are probably all over the room. He was so impetuous. A passionate Spaniard, you know.
- Clouseau: It seems a bit stuffy in here.
- Maria Gambrelli: Your coat!
- Clouseau: Yes, it is nice.
- Maria Gambrelli: But, it's on fire!
- Clouseau: What? My coat is on fire! My coat is on fire!
- Dominique Ballon: Well, shall we settle this thing now or do you intend making me late for the recital?
- Benjamin Ballon: We can't just fire her. She's given us no cause.
- Dominique Ballon: Cause? We are up to our necks in dead bodies! What are you waiting for, the last act of Hamlet?
- Benjamin Ballon: If you are going to compare the Ballon household with a Shakespearean tragedy, I suggest that Macbeth would be more appropriate.
- Maria Gambrelli: Clouseau! Over here! Quick. Listen. That's Do Do.
- Clouseau: Do Do?
- Maria Gambrelli: She's dead!
- Clouseau: Dead? Do Do?
- Maria Gambrelli: [the end of a drunken evening] I know this is your apartment; but, that won't help you in the least bit?
- Clouseau: Why won't it help me in the least bit? My question.
- Maria Gambrelli: Question, answered, Mr. Policeman Inspector.
- Clouseau: Jacques Clouseau's the name.
- Maria Gambrelli: I've given up sex.
- Clouseau: Oh, che brutto momento!
- Maria Gambrelli: I've given up sex.
- Clouseau: Careful, Monsieur, with me! Do not tangle with me! I'm a trained expert in karate! My hands are lethal weapons!
- Clouseau: Well, Cato, I'm back on the case. Ah-ha!
- [hits him]
- Clouseau: Now to set the trap, catch the killer and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder. We must accelerate out training program. You must learn to attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it. And you, you must give no quarter.
- Maria Gambrelli: Tell me, why do so many men smoke afterwards? No wonder tobacco companies get rich.
- Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts. Nothing matters but the facts. Without them, the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game. You listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now, then. The facts in this case are... the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second aid. Fact. Cause of death - four bullets in the chest. Fact. The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact. Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact. The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mark you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact. Now, then. Members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat... Careful, you fool. You broken my pointing stick. I've got nothing to point with now... .have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And, now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, what is the inescapable conclusion?
- Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
- Clouseau: What? You idiot. Impossible. She's protecting someone.
- Hercule LaJoy: How do you know that?
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