- Defense attorney: [holding the murder weapon] The action on this pistol is so hard, it would take the strength of a mule to pull the trigger!
- [hands the pistol to Curly]
- Defense attorney: Go ahead!
- Curly: I'm no mule!
- Moe: No! Your ears are too short!
- Court clerk: [as Curly come up to him] Take off your hat.
- [Curly does with his right hand]
- Court clerk: Now, raise your right hand.
- [Curly put his hat back on and does]
- Court clerk: [points to the Bible] Now put your left hand here.
- [Curly goes to do so but can't because his cane is in that hand, so he switches it to his right hand then does so]
- Judge: [to Curley] Take off your hat.
- [Curly does again with his right hand]
- Court clerk: Raise your right hand.
- [Curly put his hat back on again and does so]
- Court clerk: [Points to the Bible again] Now put your left hand here.
- [Again, Curly switches hands with his cane to do so]
- Judge: Please take off your hat.
- [Curly does again with his right hand and the same charade happens]
- Court clerk: [Getting increasingly impatient] Raise your right hand! Now put your left hand here.
- Judge: [Getting annoyed] Will you please take off your hat!
- [Again, the same charade happens]
- Court clerk: [Through clenched teeth] Raise your right hand!
- [Curly shows annoyance as well as he does so this time]
- Court clerk: Now put your left hand here!
- Judge: [Yells] Take off your hat!
- [Curly does so this time with his left hand and sticks it on top of his cane]
- Court clerk: Raise your right hand!
- [Curly does holding the cane and hat, the clerk grabs the hat and shoves it back at Curly]
- Court clerk: Will you get rid of that hat?
- Curly: [Hangs his cane on the pocket of the clerk, then puts his hat on the clerk] Raise *your* right hand.
- Court clerk: [He does, then realizes what he's doing, takes off the hat and places it under the Bible, then to Curly] Raise your right hand.
- [Curly finally does]
- Judge: Take the stand.
- Curly: [picks the chair up] Where'll I put it?
- Judge: No, no, take the stand!
- Curly: I got it! Now what'll I do with it?
- Court clerk: [angrily sets it back down] SIDDOWN!
- Moe: [after Curly picks up all the jacks on one bounce of the ball] Hey! What's the idea of spoiling the game?
- Curly: I was for onesies.
- Moe: Well here's twosies.
- [eye pokes Curly on "twosies", and Curly responds in pain]
- Larry: [sounding cute] He did a onesie, you give 'em to...
- [stops when he sees Moe looking at him angrily]
- Moe: [to Larry] Here's fivesies.
- [smacks him]
- Juror: [to the defense attorney after he inadvertantly hugged her after the bullet from the gun used as evidence grazes his backside] Broadlane-9972! After 5 o'clock.
- Moe: [after Curly falls over while taking the witness stand] You're in a court, not in Clancy's pool room.
- [bonking Curly on the head]
- Moe: Sit down.
- Curly: I'm a victim of soicumstance.
- Larry: [slapping him] Sit down.
- Moe: [grabbing Larry by the hair] Who are you hitting?
- [he eye-pokes Larry]
- Curly: Nyuk, nuyk, nyuk.
- Moe: [slapping him] Shut up. Be quiet.
- Curly: Well, me and my pals, we're musicians. We were tearin' up some hot swing music in the York Esther. Gail over there was swingin' her fans. Her sweetie Koik Robin was inhalin' a bottle of hooch at a table. And a hoofer by the name of Buck Wing was gettin' ready to shake his tootsies.
- Defense attorney: Kindly speak English and drop the vernacular.
- Curly: [holding his Derby hat] Vernaculah? That's a doiby!
- Defense attorney: Drop the vernacular!
- [Curly drops his hat]
- Defense attorney: No, no, not that! Talk so the jury can understand!
- Curly: Is everybody dumb?
- Defense attorney: Mr. Howard, kindly tell the court what you know about the murder of Kirk Robbin.
- Curly: [to the Judge] Well, it was like this, Mr. Court...
- Defense attorney: Address the judge as "Your Honor".
- Curly: [to the Judge] Well, it was like this, my honor...
- Defense attorney: "Your honor", not "My honor".
- Curly: Why? Don't you like him?
- [With Curly taking the oath, the court clerk is speaking rapidly]
- Curly: Are you trying to give me the double talk?
- Larry: [while playing violin, he picks up the defense's black hairpiece on the end of his bow and sees it] A taran-tela!
- [Moe screams, Curly tries hitting it with a hammer, and Moe steals the bailiff's gun and shoots]
- Curly: Oh! A field mouse!
- Larry: [with it attached to his bow] Watch out, it'll bite ya!
- Moe: [sees it] Taran-tella? Shot five holes in a divot!
- Moe: Now Gaily's dance was over. *I* stuck my head in the office door, and I saw Koik Robin and Buck Wing ahgyin' over by the parrot cage!
- District Attorney: What were they arguing about?
- Moe: I dunno! But Buck Wing was sizzlin' like a hot hamboiguh! He grabs Koik by the neck like that, see, and drags him over to the letter press, see?
- [Demonstrates on Curly]
- Moe: Then he smacks him on the head like that!
- [Continues demonstration on Curly]
- Moe: Then he pokes his coconut into the letter press, see? Like that! Then he says, "I'll squeeze the cider outta yer Adam's apple!" Then he gives him the woiks, like this! Then he keeps toinin! And twistin'! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the...
- [the grind of the letter press suddenly starts spinning counterclockwise, flying into the air and landing on Moe's head]
- Curly: [He pulls himself out from under the letter press, and is making moaning sounds, then while looking at Moe is pointing to his jaw indicating it's stuck. Moe puts one fist under his chin then bonks him on the head with the other, and that seems to unlock it] What's the matter with you? You wanna kill me?
- Court clerk: [speaking to Curly rapidly] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
- Curly: [confused] Huh?
- Court clerk: [rapidly] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
- Curly: Are you trying to give me the double talk?
- Court clerk: [rapidly] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
- Judge: [exasperated] Why don't you answer him?
- Curly: He's talking Pig Latin. I don't know what he's saying.
- Judge: He's asking if you swear...
- Curly: No, but I know all the words!
- Judge: He's asking if you'll swear to tell the truth!
- Curly: Truth is stranger than fiction, judgie wudgie.
- [titters]
- Judge: [impatiently] Kindly address this court as "your honor" and take the oath!
- Judge: [rapidly] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
- Curly: Certainly. What have I got to lose?
- District Attorney: [on the brink of madness regarding the courtroom's disorder] I object, your honor! These proceedings, this courtroom!
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