Джонатан Свифт

… there is hardly to be found through all nature a greater difference between two things, than there is between a representing commoner in the function, of his publick calling, and the same person when he acts in the common offices of life. Here he allows himself to be upon a level with the rest of mortals; here he follows his own reason, and his own way; and rather affects a singularity in his actions and thoughts, than servilely to copy either from the wisest of his neighbours. <…> But when he is got near the walls of his assembly, he assumes and affects an entire set of very different airs; he conceives himself a being of a superiour nature to those without, and acting in a sphere, where the vulgar methods for the conduct of human life can be of no use. He is listed in a party, where he neither knows the temper, nor designs, nor perhaps the person of his leader; but whose opinions he follows and maintains with a zeal and faith as violent, as a young scholar does those of a philosopher, whose sect he is taught to profess. He has neither opinions, nor thoughts, nor actions, nor talk, that he can call his own, but all conveyed to him by his leader, as wind is through an organ. The nourishment he receives, has been not only chewed, but digested, before it comes into his mouth. Thus instructed, he follows the party right or wrong through all his sentiments, and acquires a courage and stiffness of opinion not at all congenial with him.

But a broomstick, perhaps you will say, is an emblem of a tree standing on its head; and pray what is a man but a topsy-turvy creature, his animal faculties perpetually mounted on his rational, his head where his heels should be, grovelling on the earth? And yet, with all his faults, he sets up to be a universal reformer and corrector of abuses, a remover of grievances, rakes into every slut’s corner of nature, bringing hidden corruptions to the light, and raises a mighty dust where there was none before, sharing deeply all the while in the very same pollutions he pretends to sweep away. His last days are spent in slavery to women, and generally the least deserving; till, worn to the stumps, like his brother besom, he is either kicked out of doors, or made use of to kindle flames for others to warm themselves by.

Though Diogenes lived in a tub, there might be <…> as much pride under his rags, as in the fine spun garments of the divine Plato.

After which, laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

There is nothing in this world constant, but inconstancy;..^[4]

This distinction excludes arbitrary power, in whatever numbers; which, notwithstanding all that Hobbes, Filmer, and others have said to its advantage, I look upon as a greater evil than anarchy itself, as much as a savage is in a happier state of life, than a slave at the oar.
<…> whoever argues in defence of absolute power in a single person <…> in all free states to be treated as the common enemy of mankind.

the first springs of great events, like those of great rivers, are often so mean and so little, that in decency they ought to be hid…

… am I altogether convinced, that this habit of multiplying secrets, may not be carried on so far, as to stop that communication which is necessary, in some degree, among all who have any considerable part in the management of publick affairs: because I have observed the inconveniencies arising from a want of love between those who were to give directions, to have been of as ill consequence, as any that could happen from the discovery of secrets. I suppose, when a building is to be erected, the model may be the contrivance only of one head; and it is sufficient that the under-workmen be ordered to cut stones into certain shapes, and place them in certain positions: but the several master builders must have some general knowledge of the design, without which they can give no orders at all.

It will no doubt be a mighty comfort to our grandchildren, when they see a few rags hung up in Westminster-hall, which cost a hundred millions, whereof they are paying the arrears, to boast as beggars do, that their grandfathers were rich and great. <…>
We have been fighting to raise the wealth and grandeur of a particular family; to enrich usurers and stockjobbers, and to cultivate the pernicious designs of a faction, by destroying the landed interest.

Proper words, in proper places, make the true difinition of a style.

… reasoning will never make a man correct an ill opinion, which by reasoning he never acquired…

The Swearers Bank, or Parliamentary Security for Establishing a New Bank in Ireland. Wherein the Medical Use of Oaths is Considered

The holy Scripture is full of expressions to set forth the miserable condition of man during the whole progress of his life; his weakness, pride, and vanity; his unmeasurable desires, and perpetual disappointments; the prevalency of his passions, and the corruptions of his reason his deluding hopes, and his real, as well as imaginary fears: <…> and the wise men of all ages have made the same reflections.

You have but a very few years to be young and handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few months ro be so in the eyes of a husband, who is not a fool;..

As little respect as I have for the generality of your sex… <…> in a separate club entertain each other with the price and choice of lace and silk, and what dresses they liked or disapproved at the church or the playhouse. And when you are among yourselves, how naturally, after the first compliments, do you apply your hands to each others lappets, and ruffles, and mantuas; as if the whole business of your lives, and the publick concern of the world, depended upon the cut or colour of your dress.
<…> as it is the usual custom, and consult with the woman, who sits next her, about a new cargo of fans. <…>
I know very well, that those who are commonly called learned women, have lost all manner of credit by their impertinent talkativeness and conceit of themselves;..

"You are as innocent as a devil of two years old."

"Faith, that's as well said as, if I had said it myself."

Write your own name and your sweetheart's, with the smoke of a candle on the roof of the kitchen, or the servants hall, to show your learning. <…>
Oil the tongs, poker, and fireshovel, up to the top, not only to keep them from rusting, but likewise to prevent meddling people from wasting your master's coals with stirring the fire.

Vive le bagatelle!^[13] или Vivent les bagatelles!

Abi Viator
Et imitare, si poteris
Strenuum pro virili
Libertatis Vindicatorem

The common fluency of speech in many men, and most women, is owing to a scarcity of matter, and a scarcity of words; for whoever is a master of language, and has a mind full of ideas, will be apt in speaking to hesitate upon the choice of both; whereas common speakers 'have only one set of ideas, and one set of words to clothe them in; and these are always ready at the mouth: so people come faster out of a church when it is almost empty, than when a crowd is at the door.

When somebody was telling a certain great minister that people were discontented; "Pho, said he, half a dozen fools are prating in a coffeehouse, and presently think their own noise about their ears is made by the world."

It is in disputes as in armies, where the weaker side sets up false lights, and makes a great noise, to make the enemy believe them more numerous and strong than they really are.

We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.

The latter part of a wise man’s life is taken up in curing the follies, prejudices, and false opinions he had contracted in the former.

Princes in their infancy, childhood, and youth, are said to discover prodigious parts and wit, to speak things that surprise and astonish; strange, so many hopeful princes, and so many shameful kings! If they happen to die young, they would have been prodigies of wisdom and virtue: if they live, they are often prodigies indeed, but of another sort.

If a man would register all his opinions upon love, politics, religion, learning, etc., beginning from his youth and so go on to old age, what a bundle of inconsistencies and contradictions would appear at last!

Complaint is the largest tribute Heaven receives, and the sincerest part of our devotion.

As universal a practice as lying is, and as easy a one as it seems, I do not remember to have heard three good lies in all my conversation…

When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign; that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.

Physicians ought not to give their judgment of religion, for the same reason that butchers are not admitted to be jurors upon life and death.

When we desire or solicit anything, our minds run wholly on the good side or circumstances of it; when it is obtained, our minds run wholly on the bad ones.

Most sorts of diversion in men, children, and other animals, is an imitation of fighting.

It is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles: the less they have in them the more noise they make in pouring it out.

… few know their own strength. It is in men as in soils, where sometimes there is a vein of gold, which the owner knows not of.

Some men, under the notion of weeding out prejudices, eradicate virtue, honesty, and religion.

No wise man ever wished to be younger.

Kings are commonly said to have long hands; I wish they had as long ears.

The reason why so few marriages are happy, is, because young ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making cages.

Religion seems to have grown an infant with age, and requires miracles to nurse it, as it had in its infancy.

To be vain, is rather a mark of humility than pride. Vain men delight in telling what honours have been done them, what great company they have kept, and the like, by which they plainly confess that these honours were more than their due, and such as their friends would not believe, if they had not been told: whereas a man truly proud, thinks the greatest honours below his merit, and consequently scorns to boast.

Superstition is the spleen of the soul.

The Stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes.

I never knew any man in my life, who could not bear another's misfortunes perfectly like a Christian.

I forget whether Advice be among the lost things which Aristo says are to be found in the moon; that and Time ought to have been there.

I must complain the cards are ill shuffled, till I have a good hand.

Sometimes I read a book with pleasure, and detest the author.

All panegyrics are mingled with an infusion of poppy.

The two maxims of any great man at court, are, al ways to keep his countenance, and never to keep his word.

If the men of wit and genius would resolve never to complain in their works of critics and detractors, the next age would not know that they ever had any.

Since the union of divinity and humanity is the great article of our religion, it is odd to see some clergymen, in their writings of divinity, wholly devoid of humanity.

A footman's hat should fly off to every body; and therefore Mercury, who was Jupiter's footman, had wings fastened to his cap.

Men of great parts are often unfortunate in the management of public business, because they are apt to go out of the common road by the quickness of their imagination. <…> the clerks in [Lord Bolingbroke's] office used a sort of ivory knife with a blunt edge to divide a sheet of paper, which never failed to cut it even, only requiring a steady hand; whereas if they should make use of a sharp penknife, the sharpness would make it go often out of the crease and disfigure the paper.

Arbitrary power is the natural object of temptation to a prince, as wine or women to a young fellow, or a bribe to a judge, or avarice to old age, or vanity to a woman.

Eloquence smooth and cutting, is like a razor whetted with oil.

Elephants are always drawn smaller than life, but a flea always larger.

A copy of verses kept in the cabinet, and only shown to a few friends, is like a virgin much sought after and admired; but when printed and published, is like a common whore, whom any body may purchase for half a crown.

Topick of great use to these weekly inflamers, is, the young Pretender in France to whom their whole party is in a high measure indebted for all their greatness; and whenever it lies in their power, they may perhaps return their acknowledgments, as, out of their zeal for frequent revolutions, they were ready to do to his supposed father; which is a piece of secret history, that I hope will one day see the light <…>. But at present, the word Pretender, is a term of art in their profession. A secretary of state cannot desire leave to resign, but the Pretender is at bottom; the queen cannot dissolve a parliament, but it is a plot to dethrone herself and bring in the Pretender; half a score stock-jobbers are playing the knave in Exchange-alley, and there goes the Pretender with a sponge. One would be apt to think, they bawl out the Pretender so often, to take off the terrour; or tell so many lies about him, to slacken our caution, that when he is really coming, by their connivance, we may not believe them; as the boy served the shepherds about the coming of the wolf; or perhaps they scare us with the Pretender, because they think he may be like some diseases, that come with a fright. Do they not believe, that the queen's present ministry love her majesty, at least as well as some loved the church?

All great changes have the same effects upon commonwealths, that thunder has upon liquors, making the dregs fly up to the top; the lowest plebeians rise to the head of affairs, and there preserve themselves, by representing the nobles, and other friends to the old government, as enemies to the publick.

Mr. Harley had the honour of being chosen speaker successively to three parliaments. <…> Yet, with all these virtues, it must be granted, there is some mixture of human infirmity. His greatest admirers must confess his skill at cards and dice to be very low and superficial: in horseracing he is utterly ignorant; then, to save a few millions to the publick, he never regards how many worthy citizens he hinders from making up their plumb.
<…> Mr. St. John from his youth applying those admirable talents of nature, and improvements of art, to publick business, grew eminent in court and parliament, at an age when the generality of mankind is employed in trifles and folly. It is to be lamented, that he has not yet procured himself a busy, important countenance; nor learned that profound part of wisdom, to be difficult of access. Besides, he has clearly mistaken the true use of books, which he has thumbed and spoiled with reading, when he ought to have multiplied them on his shelves: not like a great man of my acquaintance, who knew a book by the back, better than a friend, by the face; although he had never conversed with the former, and often with the latter.

A political lie is sometimes born out of a discarded statesman's head, and thence delivered to be nursed and dandled by the rabble. Sometimes it is produced a monster, and licked into shape: at other times it comes into the world completely formed, and is spoiled in the licking. It is often born an infant in the regular way, and requires time to mature it; and often it sees the light in its full growth, but dwindles away by degrees. Sometimes it is of noble birth; and sometimes the spawn of a stock-jobber. Here it screams aloud at the opening of the womb; and there it is delivered with a whisper. I know a lie, that now disturbs half the kingdom with its noise, which, although too proud and great at present to own its parents, I can remember its whisperhood. To conclude the nativity of this monster; when it comes into the world without a sting, it is still-born; and whenever it loses its sting, it dies.

There is one essential point, wherein a political liar differs from others of the faculty; that he ought to have but a short memory, which is necessary, according to the various occasions he meets with every hour of differing from himself, and swearing to both sides of a contradiction, as he finds the persons disposed with whom he has to deal.

Few lies carry the inventor's mark, and the most prostitute enemy to truth, may spread a thousand without being known for the author: besides, as the vilest writer has his readers, so the greatest liar has his believers: and it often happens, that if a lie be believed only for an hour, it has done its work, and there is no farther occasion for it. Falshood flies, and truth comes limping after it; so that when men come to be undeceived, it is too late; the jest is over, and the tale has had its effect: like a man, who has thought of a good repartee, when the discourse is changed, or the company parted; or like a physician, who has found out an infallible medicine, after the patient is dead.

… archbishop [Boulter] <…> charged the Dean with inflaming the mob, "I inflame them?" retorted Swift," were I to lift but a finger, they would tear you to pieces."^[18]

Being one day at a Sheriff's feast, who amongst other toasts called out to him, 'Mr. Dean, The trade of Ireland!' He answered quick: 'Sir, I drink no memories!'^[19]

One day Swift observed a great rabble assembled in a large space before the deanery door in Kevin street, and upon inquiring the cause of this, was told it was to see the eclipse. He immediately sent for the beadle, and gave him his lesson what he should do. Away ran Davy for his bell, and after ringing it some time among the crowd, bawled out, "O yes, O yes, all manner of persons concerned, are desired to take notice, that it is the dean of St. Patrick's will and pleasure, that the eclipse be put off till this hour to morrow. So God save the king, and his reverence the dean." The mob upon this notice immediately dispersed; only some, more cunning than the rest, swore they would not lose another afternoon, for that the dean, who was a very comical man, might take it into his head to put off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them a second time.^[21]

To o get angry is like to revenge yourself for the guilt of others.